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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My mum died

40 replies

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 18/11/2012 08:51

My brother found her last night. He's 18, she was only 57. waiting for the coroner to call today, but don't know what to do. None of us had seen or spoken to her since Thursday.

Have had to call family members and most of them have said "It was to be expected." What are we supposed to say to that? Actually it really wasn't for us. we knew she was ill, diabetes, depression and alcoholism, but it's not like we ever thought about it or planned anything. Maybe that was stupid of us, but you know she's my mum.

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mrscog · 18/11/2012 08:52

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, I don't have any practical advice for you but take care. How is your brother coping after such a horrible shock?

PavlovtheCat · 18/11/2012 08:56

I am sorry to hear of your loss I hope you have some support around you.

KermitTheFrogIsNotAVeggie · 18/11/2012 08:57

Oh i am sorry. What an awful shock.

How are you doing? Really? Hows your brother?

My mum was in hospital when she died. I had thought she was getting better. She had been quite ill, but to me it was still unexpected, a huge huge shock.

Are you going to be making arrangements?

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 18/11/2012 08:59

He's holding up, but he keeps wanting to talk about it which is understandable but I don't know what to say. He lives with our sister and he went round to mum's at about 11.30pm to pick up an argos catalogue! There was no answer but all the lights were on so he looked through the letter box and saw her lying on the floor. He got in through an open window at the back of the house and said he knew as soon as he saw her. He rang 999 and the operator had to tell him to turn her over, he said he couldn't/didn't want to but obviously he had to. When he saw her face he said he almost ran out of the house with fright/shock.

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MissAnnersley · 18/11/2012 09:00

I'm so sorry.

That is just the worst possible news and a horrible, horrible shock.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 18/11/2012 09:03

I probably will be making arrangements as I'm the oldest but I don't know what to do. I expect my MIL will be able to help with all that.

Ds is bouncing around the room, my mum loved him so very much and he adored her. He's too young to understand which in a way I'm grateful for but he won't remember her.

Every family member I speak to I have to tell them not to tell my nan. She's 94 and very frail and confused. Her baby has died and we can't tell her.

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AddictedtoCrunchies · 18/11/2012 09:04

I'm very sorry for your loss,

whattodoo · 18/11/2012 09:04

Oh, i'm so sorry for your loss.
I hope you and your siblings can comfort and support each other. What a terrible shock for you.
I hope you have plenty of RL love and support to help you through the formalities.

MonaLotte · 18/11/2012 09:08

Really sorry for your loss. Don't know what else to say. That's good that MIL can help with the arrangements. That must have been a terrible shock for your brother :-(

3littlefrogs · 18/11/2012 09:10

Oh I am so sorry.

I have experienced something very similar. It is a terrible shock.

I am sure that you will find the coroner's office very helpful. They will tell you what to do.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

There will be an inquest; you won't be able to plan anything until the coroner tells you you can.

You are going to have to tell your nan at some point. Are you geographically near other family members? You will have to talk to each other and work out how to do this.

So sorry for your loss.

NorthernNobody · 18/11/2012 09:21

stickem - you don't have to find the right words with your brother -you just have to listen. He'll just need to talk. There are no right answers. Listening will do
I'm so sorry for your loss.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 18/11/2012 09:23

I hope the rest of the family will tell me what to do.We're not very close to them, it feels very strange having to speak to them now. My brother told our dad, I haven't spoken to him in about 7 years and he and my mum have been divorced for about 15 years. I feel like he should be here, for us, but he probably won't bother. I'm worried she doesn't know how much we love her, and that she was scared or in pain and alone.

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RockPaperScissorsLizardSpock · 18/11/2012 09:23

I'm sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself x

ajandjjmum · 18/11/2012 09:26

So sorry.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 18/11/2012 10:01

I need to call my boss, is it too early to call her now? I'm expected in work at 7am tomorrow.

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CiderwithBuda · 18/11/2012 10:07

I am so sorry for your loss. And for the shocking way it has happened. Your poor brother.

As regards the "it was to be expected" comments, I think people just have a need to say something. I think I would just reply with "possibly but we are never ready to lose a parent, are we?". Because we are never ready. No matter how certain the outcome is. And this is such a shock.

I would say it's not too early to call your boss as she will maybe need to make alternative arrangements.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 18/11/2012 10:21

Oh my love, I am so, so sorry :(

I am so very sorry for your brother too, that must have been such a shock for him and having to see her like that will stay with him, poor kid. In time try to make sure he gets some counselling x

Please don't feel bad that no-one had seen her since Thursday, it's really not a long time.

I don't know how to say this really, but, your relatives don't sound very nice. No-one nice says 'it's was to be expected' - not even if the person was dying with a terminal illness, let alone when not, it's just not what you say is it?! I'd give them a wide berth if I was you and talk to your MIL & friends, they will want to help you and sadly, plenty of them will have had experience too.

As others have said, you need to speak to the coroners office - they will help you. Then you will need to choose a funeral director and they will help you too.

I am sure your Mum knows how much you love her - they just do! Just as you know how much your DS loves you. I am sorry for his loss too, I know how sad it is when you know that they wont remember, but if you keep talking to him about her and about how much she loved & adored him and keep her photos around the house, he will know he was special to her and that his Gran loved him - it does make a difference.

I really am sorry, 57 is no age :(
x

LaTrucha · 18/11/2012 10:29

I'm sorry for your loss.

That it was expected doesn't make it any less. My mum's death was expected too under somewhat similar circumstances. Being 'prepared' doesn't prepare you. I did think about maybe having to find her, and though in the end she died in hospital, it doesn't make a difference.

For what it's worth, I think you're right not to tell your mother's mother.

She was your mum and you loved her and she loved you and that is all that matters.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 18/11/2012 11:11

My nan is just so small now iykwim? Cant think of another way to describe it. She's not like the way she used to be. I don't think it would be worth upsetting whatever time she has left.

I'm being nice to extended family because I think my mum would have wanted it. She never got on with her brothers and sisters but she desperately wanted to.

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StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 18/11/2012 15:52

My dad just called me, he said if we need him to come and see us he will. He lives at the other end of the country. He's been invisible for 15 years. Now I have no idea what to do.

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ChippingInLovesAutumn · 18/11/2012 18:32

Sweetheart, I think you would be better to rely on your friends for support and be with your brother & sister at this time. Be polite to family, but it doesn't sound like they supported your Mum when she needed it and they aren't supporting you now. As for your father, he's been out of your life for years, obviously for good reason, I can't see that him being around is going to help you right now, only complicate things :(

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 18/11/2012 18:32

I'm going to have to go into her house later tonight. Never wanted to anywhere less I think.

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StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 18/11/2012 18:33

Sorry, x posted. I think you're right Chipping.

Thank you to everyone who has posted.

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ChippingInLovesAutumn · 18/11/2012 18:35

Why do you have to go to your Mum's late tonight?

Who is going with you?

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 18/11/2012 18:41

My brother, sister and my husband will be there too, obviously only if my brother and sister want to go in. I'm sure dh will do it if none of us feel up to it. Just need to wait for the babysitter for ds.

We need to go to try and find her cats and make sure the house is secure, after the police left last night. I'm sure it will be but we just need to check. As we don't know when she died (except that it was between about 9pm Thursday and when she was found last night) we don't know when the cats were last fed.

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