For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

(362 Posts)
mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 21:50:04

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

ssd Wed 07-Nov-12 22:06:58

hi mummylin, thanks for doing this x

mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 22:12:15

I hope nobody will mind changing threads but last night and today my comp has been awful.Its ready for the knackers yard but until i get a new one this one will have to do.If this breaks down completely i will use dh's pc but that is slow as well, but he dosent use it anymore cause he has a laptop now.I do hop that everyone comes over here now.So why were you on your own tonight ssd ?

ssd Wed 07-Nov-12 23:02:37

because dh and the ds's were at the football! x

mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 23:05:06

Ah you were in the same position i was in last night ! i like having an evening to myself actually.i wouldnt like it every night but i dont mind a couple of nights a week.Its so peaceful without dh wittering on !

ssd Wed 07-Nov-12 23:16:16

same here!!

and their team won against Barcelona so they are all in a great mood for once grin

Ha found you!smile Well done for organising this mummylin - don't want to lose everyone...

Sorry it seems to have been such a tough few days for so many of us. I wonder if the cold Winter like weather isn't helping?

mummylin - your Mum's garden is beautiful, daffodils will look great on itsmile

I really think that unless you have experienced losing a parent you have absolutely no idea of the complete new world it puts you in. I fear I maybe haven't been as supportive of others in the past, just unthinking, not realising how deep and profound the grief issad I have really found out who my true friends are since Mum became ill - my best friend arrived a few weeks after Mum died (she lives miles away) and just held me, no words needed. I sobbed and sobbed and actually felt better for it. But Dad's family came to the funeral and then expected us to want to go out on a day trip with them the next dayshock Haven't heard from then since either...

GurlwiththefrothyCurl try not to beat yourself up - guilt comes quite commonly after bereavement, but it wasn't your fault, and worrying will make you feel worse I promise you. Try to remember the good times with your Mum, when you were there for her, shared a deep bond which many others don't seem to experience. Be kind to yourself x

This run up to Christmas is incredibly tough - the gap seems enormous. Also it is Mum's birthday on the 16th which is definitely hanging over me...

t875 Thu 08-Nov-12 00:51:51

Gurlwithafeather - I agree with mummylin, this wasn't your fault hun and you will seriously beat yourself up and really bring your self down. I also get the mind playing tricks on me too, saying i should have went to her that night but at the end of the day i really didn't think there was anything wrong. Take each day as it comes and go with the emotions, there are days i get bitter, angry, sad, annoyed, a whole roller coaster and when im feeling like that i avoid everyone in rl. x

Ssd - {{hugs}} i know what you mean too, my friend doesn't get on with her mum and since losing my mum i try to say to her you will regret it and try to bond with her, but she says yeah but i don't get on with her as much as you got on with your mum. But i know she will regret it though..blimey i regret some things but i just have to think we were/are devoted.

I also know what you mean about others, i really have had a lot of the immediate family not really check in on me but like mummylin said i don't think they understand unless they walk my shoes..so to speak.

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 10:55:58

I am so glad that you have found this new thread.The first thing i look at is this thread.I def think the horrible weather dosent help to lift anyones mood.But on the other hand when its a bright sunny day i think its not right to have a beautiful day when my mum is not here to share it and im feeling so sad.Really whatever the day is like i will always find something wrong with it lately !
I think its hard to live with regrets and im sure we all have a few.But we musnt dwell on them ,they would drive us all crazy.We have to think of all the positive things ,like how close we were ,how much we loved them and they loved us,how they always gave their support when things went wrong,How hard they worked through their lives to give us what we needed and things like that.Its a very rare family that dosent have some hiccups along the way.My mum had to do everything and there were six of us children.She had a drinker for a husband who did nothing.My mum worked,did all the gardening and decorating ,was kept short of money etc.But we had a good childhood thanks to her and we have all grown up to be decent human beings.But its all down to my mum.She was an inspiration.
As we all got older and had our own children ,mum was the one who knitted all our little cardigans, and when they started having children she was still knitting for them.Thanks to my mum ,i am who i am now.But yes we did have disagreements sometimes,but it didnt detract from the love we shared as mum and daughter.For the last few years,maybe 14 we always took my mum on holiday with us ,if i didnt go she wouldnt go either ,even if it was with one of my brothers.I know for some they would not like to do this ,but mum was fine and if she wanted to stay in the hotel in the evenings that is what she did.Her Favourite place to go was Gran Canaria and we went there several times.I have so many happy memories of all the holidays and i thank god that we had one just before she died so i have recent photos.I have no idea what i am trying to say here but its nice to be able to share my memories of my mum with you all.maybe thats what we need to do to get us out of our negative feelings and put us on the road to more positive ones.I dont know what the answer is.

What a lovely post mummylin I agree maybe the way forward is to share our memories of our parents - happy or sad- so they are 'known' to others and remembered.

My Mum was a force to be reckoned withsmile She was such a strong woman, very determined and with high morals, high expectations of others too. If anyone fell short in some way, then they were told! But equally she was a bag of nerves at times, hated staying away from home, very caring about others in need. She became a bit of a sounding board for many who would turn to her for a boot up the backsidegrin

The hole she leaves is massive. I thought she would go on for ever...

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 13:20:54

I can also think back to about three years ago when my mum said to me that her club was having an easter bonnet competition,then added she had never in her life had a bonnet.So i went to one of the cheap shops,bought loads of little chicks,eggs and flowers and made her one !! She won second prize She was so chuffed and so was i.I will put a pic of it up soon.She won £1.50 !!smile Took me ages.
maybe I thought the same as you ,my mum would always be here.She was so distressed when my sister died and it was awful to see her like that ,but eventually she carried on and enjoyed life again.She did enjoy having a good laugh.I can certainly say that she enjoyed life to the full until the day before she died when she was taken ill.
Sometimes my brothers would show me a joke on their phone and of course we never showed mum as they were usually rude.She got in a huff because she said we always left her out.I told her its because they were rude but she said she could make her own mind up.So i showed her and she laughed ,will never know if she actually got the joke though.! im off to search for easter bonnet pic !!

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 13:40:16

Have put up the pic.My mum never swore ,smoked but she did once get drunk when i was a child ,i can remember it as plain as can be.It was xmas and she had something at her friends house who lived at the bottom of our house.Mum fell over the garden fence and my grandad had to come over.I always used to tease her about that.She never ever had another drink. Im afraid, i have the first two traits but dont really like drink too much.i do have a drink if im at a party or something but only a couple because it just goes to my head. But i do have a lot of her other traits, i am very very strong willed,and very opinionated.But i have a huge compasionate side to me and will help anyone that i can.That is from my mum.Oh its so good to be able to talk about her.

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 13:41:19

isnt it nice to have a couple of smiles on here !

Fab hat smile yes am glad to see some smileys on here - in amongst my sadness I am finding things to laugh at again. Sometimes I feel guilt for enjoying things, but I know Mum would want me to live my life...

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 18:52:41

I find i can be doing just general things and not even thinking about it ,then all of a sudden it comes back into my head again and my stomach sort of gets knotted up and i feel sad all over again.I guess this will go on for quite some time,but the time between will start to get longer.I have also noticed that i dont really have any enthusiasm for anything at all.I really dont care if i do this or that at all.

NotActuallyAMum Thu 08-Nov-12 19:13:23

Hope no-one minds me joining in, I can see you've all been talking for a while

"I really think that unless you have experienced losing a parent you have absolutely no idea of the complete new world it puts you in"

^ nail on the head there

We lost Mum at the end of May, just 5 weeks after she was diagnosed with cancer. It really does feel as if one minute she was fine, the next she was gone. Totally unexpected, we thought she'd have a few months of chemo and she'd be OK again

Dad hasn't helped - just 5 weeks after we lost her (we hadn't even buried her ashes) he started 'seeing' their next door neighbour, despite the fact that she has a husband. I got a pasting on here though when I started a thread saying how devastated I was about it

Some days I do feel OK, but other days I could just sit and cry all day. People keep telling me it gets better in time, but I'm still waiting. I still can't believe she's gone, I miss her so much

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 19:24:34

Oh NotActuallyAMum thats a very sad tale indeed.I quite understand actually how you would of felt about your dads situation especially being so close to your dear mums death.yes we have another thread where we all met up with a title almost the same as this one if you want to go and read through and find out about us.We are all at different stages of our grieving,but we all have one thing in common.We all miss our mums / dads so much.Its like a physical pain.It has helped me to speak to other people in the same situation.I hope we can help you too. You are still in quite early stages of your grieving and yes it will get better with time ,but no-one know how long that time will take.It will be different for all of us.I had my mums 1st anniversary last week ,but it still feels like only a few weeks ago.Others may be ok after a few months ,for some of us it may be a couple of years.No-one knows.

NotActuallyAMum Fri 09-Nov-12 13:19:03

Thank you mummylin

I'm having an "OK" day today, I can think about her and smile, so I'm making the most of it. Tomorrow I may feel completely different, there doesn't seem to be any pattern to it, and when I'm having a "bad" day there isn't ever a specific reason for it. Doesn't really make any sense, but then again lots of things don't make sense since we lost her

I hope you're all doing OK-ish

ssd Fri 09-Nov-12 15:49:28

hi NotActuallyAMum , sorry to hear about your mum...I agree about there being no pattern to it all, I was doing well for a few days last week and thought I'd cracked it, now I'm back at square one again

what I find hard is the speed it was all done and dusted here...my siblings live 100's of miles away and I realise now it was all done quickly to suit them..at the time my head was up my bum and I couldn't tell if it was New York or new year

mum died, we had the funeral the next week, scattered her ashes the very next day, family all left immediately afterwards, I then cleared her flat by myself.....this was all done in a 4 wk period

its just too soon, I'm reeling by the speed of it all

everyone went home to their normal lives and I'm left to grieve alone....I feel like ringing them up and saying "do you know my mum died, did you hear", then I remember they are my siblings...its strange how unaffected they are/were

I keep going over things that happened in my head, round and round it goes, with no one to share it with, except people it didn't affect too much, dh, dsis, db....its turned me inside out but they aren't too worried..........

Hi NotActuallyAMum (fab name BTW) I'm so sorry about your Mum, it's such a hard thing to go through and then to cope with the news about your Dad... Really hard - I can only imagine how tough that must be. As mummylin says, we're all at different stages of grief. Also the emotions come and go - again I often can't see why one day is worse than an other...

This thread is fantastic - to make us realise our feelings are 'normal' and to be able to talk with others who understand.

ssd you have been through a whirlwind! Talk to us if others are no good smile

mummylin I know what you mean about not having enthusiasm for things. I'm a member of two book groups yet I'm struggling to readsad I'm reading trashy magazines, somehow novels aren't holding my interest and I drift off thinking about Mum again. I'm also watching rubbish on TV!

ssd Fri 09-Nov-12 17:07:19

I do maybeyoushoulddrive smile and thank god you're all here!!

funny, I was just thinking I don't have any enthusiasm for anything either, I just want to sit on the sofa with a blanket thinking of mum and going through it all again

I've just been to her favourite garden centre and seen the xmas card I would have bought her, I said in my head "there's your card mum", also seen one to mum and dad, its been 15yrs since I bought one like that, for so long its been mum cards

guess this xmas is going to be very hard for us all

my dsis is visiting next month, she days we can all go out for dinner and it'll be lovely!!....cant imagine anything worse or anything I have less enthusiasm for

ssd Fri 09-Nov-12 17:08:46

says not days

mummylin Fri 09-Nov-12 22:26:33

hello all.ssd put up a photo of your mum ,get a pretty little pot plant and buy her a card and put by it !! i bought one for my mum last year and took it up the cemetery.There is no reason we cant still buy them cards and as i have already said ,i got an old one that mum had sent me in a previous time and put that up .I did this for my birthday and xmas.It made me feel better. Its all such a weird experience,and it seems we all go through mixed feeling of being ok one minute ,then very down the next.And others dont seem to realise that although we appear to be ok ,inside we are so upset and broken.A bit of compassion wouldnt go amiss sometimes would it.I was out today with my brother and niece when we were chatting and i said " on monday i am going shopping with mum" it just came out .I meant to say my friend.How i wish that what i said was true.
I do hope the others from the previous thread will find us here and not think we have deserted them !
I cannot believe its only a few weeks to xmas and i know for some of you it will be your first.It will be an emotional day for you all, but you will get through it.xx

LollopyBear Fri 09-Nov-12 23:59:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummylin Sat 10-Nov-12 11:33:04

Oh dear LollopyBear what a terribly sad post from you.I hope that by chatting to us all on here we can help you in some small way.You have undeniably gone through such a conflict of emotions.I think we have all found it so hard to accept that our loved ones have gone .Sometimes it feels like its not real and we will just wake from this nightmare and find that its not true.It sounds a bit odd to say welcome to this thread,but i hope you know what i mean.It is sometimes very difficult to speak to people in R/L as you get the feeling they dont really want to talk/ listen after a while.So nothing gets said and it all gets bottled up inside.All of us on here have found it helps to be able to discuss our worries/ fears.and especially when we have felt so low, It realy helps to be able to speak to people in the same position.

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