'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

(773 Posts)

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

KateUnrulyBush Tue 20-Nov-12 04:48:15

Sending love and a hand to hold in the dark. You are so brave, but it is good to make space and time to take that mask off, they are exhausting to wear. xx

trumpton Tue 20-Nov-12 04:58:22

Oh sweetheart how I wish that we could help you through these dark and hopeless days . Everything that I try to say seems so trite. But know this, whenever you cry in the dark there will be one of us thinking of you, and holding out a hand of support .
You and your darling girl are in my thoughts .

ChippingInLovesAutumn Tue 20-Nov-12 09:22:49

Oh my love, it is so very very hard isn't it sad You and Bea made each other so happy and to have her physically taken so soon is so unfair. For all of your pregnancy and for 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day you put pretty much everything you had into Bea - her being taken away is bound to leave the most enormous hole in your life - in your head, your heart & your arms.

All you can do right now is look after yourself & hang in there - grieving is really, really exhausting, it drains you completely. Please trust everyone when they say it does get easier to cope & you find a way of living alongside it. Right now you probably don't believe that, you probably can't see how it's possible and you probably feel that it's wrong to stop feeling these intense feelings - that in someway that would mean you miss her less or love her less, that's not true. You wont ever stop loving or missing Bea, but it wont always be this raw.

There aren't so many posts now because it's so hard to know what to say - so many of us are still here though, still hurting for you, still thinking of you, Bea & the whole tea set, we haven't abandoned you & we wont. There are still candles being lit, prayers being said, love being sent xxx

MNP Tue 20-Nov-12 11:24:37

Oh Cup, she was a very lucky girl and didn't want to leave you but other plans had been made for you both. It doesn't go away but it just becomes easier to continue with the special memories you have.

Everlong Tue 20-Nov-12 11:35:33

Oh cup I wish I could take that pain away for you and me and all the other mums without their children. I so wish I could. There aren't any magic words that help, nothing anyone can do but I just hope you know how much we are behind you, holding you up. Thinking about you when it's dark at night. Thinking about Beatrice.

fluffypillow Tue 20-Nov-12 12:35:15

Still thinking of you Cup, and your little Beatrice. Life is so unfair.

Take it easy, and look after yourself. I don't know what to say, nothing can make it better, but just wanted you to know that you and your gorgeous girl are in my thoughts x

Oh cup

There will be so many more 'firsts' when you will realise over and over again what has been taken from you.
I really having nothing to add to what others have said. Look after yourself. And the Teaset. And allow them to look after you in whatever ways they can.

Thinking of you often x.

Lilithmoon Tue 20-Nov-12 23:47:12

Thinking of you and your family. x

trumpton Wed 21-Nov-12 02:57:29

I am awake and thinking of you .

FannyAddams Wed 21-Nov-12 03:20:38

Also awake and saw the thread title, thinking of you cup.

Also your title made me wonder if this had been mentioned to you, maybe for DC next summer? You may well have come across them already. butterfly garden

trumpton Wed 21-Nov-12 11:41:55

I am away for a few days and dont know what internet access I will have ( on stupid Island tariff for roaming ) but if I dont post in the wee small hours its not because I am asleep but because I can't get a signal. But, Darling, I will be thinking of you and yours everyday and night.

pearlgirl Wed 21-Nov-12 22:39:58

Thinking of you and your family.

cup just thinking of you, and please know that I am around if you need me. xx

trumpton Thu 22-Nov-12 03:27:17

Have got logged on to wifi and am wide awake and sending love during a night of loud street noises and sirens . Sleep well Cup .

zebrafinch Thu 22-Nov-12 04:02:56

Cup, thinking of you, Beatrice and all the teaset. Sending you a hug in the dark hours of the night. Take care of yourself Cup, you are an amazing Mum.

twojumpingbeans Thu 22-Nov-12 15:15:56

Thinking of you too - my DD1 and I lit a candle for you all the other day..

trumpton where abouts are you, sounds like an adventure...

I'm having up and down days. Today I went to her grave and was terribly upset with myself- her flowers had all died and looked awful. I just hadn't felt like going there before now. Her grave doesn't hold much importance to me yet. I feel like she's still with me, I don't feel the need to go to a windy grave to talk to her, I talk to her in my head all the time and I carry her in my heart everywhere with me.

Nevertheless, I know other people won't understand that, so I went and took away the dead bouquets and replaced them with pretty little garden ornaments- shiny toad stools, a large wicker one with solar lights threaded into it, and a heart wreath made of brightly coloured metal bells hanging from her cross.

It looks pretty, but I still feel 'meh' about it. She's not there. She's in the breeze and the stars and my memories. She's not in the ground.

KateUnrulyBush Thu 22-Nov-12 21:43:39

You are so wonderful, Cup, I hope you know that. Every word you write is filled with love, honesty and truth. I doubt I will ever have your patience and selfless devotion but you inspire me to try harder.

I do so wish I could help you, I can't say how much. The ornaments sound lovely, very fitting for beautiful Bea.

xx

thewhistler Thu 22-Nov-12 22:48:32

Cup, what a lovely thing to do.

Remember, " love, like starlight, never dies."

She is wherever you are.

It is only the outer crust that is elsewhere, that she didn't need any more.

ExitPursuedByMarieAntoinette Thu 22-Nov-12 23:46:58

Bless you Cup.

MNP Fri 23-Nov-12 01:27:26

Sounds lovely Cup.

HollaAtMeBaby Fri 23-Nov-12 02:25:00

Thinking of you. Glad you have been signed off work, for what it's worth I thought you had gone back very, very soon after what you've been through. Be gentle with yourself. thanks

trumpton Fri 23-Nov-12 03:03:59

I am in London for a few days to see my brother and family. Yesterday I managed to find Postmans Park . It's an old churchyard in the City with a collection of tiled plaques commemorating brave acts. I sat for a while and thought of you and said a prayer.
There are many different types of bravery it's not always dashing into a burning building sometimes it's getting up in the morning to face another day.

You are so brave darling and should be proud of yourself . Night night

Bea is with you, nestled safely in your heart. Feel her love for you, it will always be there. X

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 07:55:50

Cup, please don't feel you need to do anything for anyone else. If people want to pass comment on Bea's grave then you just walk away. Whatever you want to do is the right thing and what you should do.

I don't post as much as I never know what to say but I think of you all often.

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