'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

(790 Posts)

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

sassythebloodFIRSTy Wed 07-Nov-12 21:05:00

Cup - just wishing you well tomorrow. As a fellow teacher, when you are ready, it's a great job to give your grief a rest for a while - it's so full on you find that 10mins has gone by and you haven't thought about it, then 20 mins, then an hour...

But if you're not ready, there is no shame in saying so during tomorrow or later. No one would expect you back at work yet.

Thinking about you xx

eightytwenty Wed 07-Nov-12 21:06:39

Hi cup. I also had panic attacks when I tried to return to normal life after my father died in an accident. I wonder if this is a physiological reaction to grief.

Good luck for tomorrow.

X

Oh cup my lovely. You are doing so much, is it helping to be busy? I found some days it was but other days were just for bed in the early days. Make sure you are getting enough rest.

I wrote a very similar post about having a panic attack in sainsbury's - I remember thinking if I tell all these people my baby died maybe they'd be a bit quieter, a bit more gentle.

Good luck at work tomorrow - you are doing amazing. You did everything you thought was right at the time cup and no-one can do any more than that.

Lots of love and light xx

Four4me Wed 07-Nov-12 21:46:03

I will be thinking of you at work tomorrow ((((cup))))) Bea will be smiling at her wonderful mummy x

Cup, what a horrible day. You must know that Beatrice left when she had to; not earlier, and not later. I hope are going to have a restful night.

I felt like you after 'mere' MCs - how on earth can the sun still shine/the birds still thing/people chatter nonsense when I have just lost this baby? And my losses were v early prednancy losses; not babies I had held and cared for and loved. I know there is no Gradient of Grief or any kind of competition of loss, but I cannot begin to imagine how it must feel for you sad.
That teacher sounds like she has an empathy bypass angry...

Very best of luck for your return to work. I am sure you won't let the children down, even if you are not your usual self (how could you?). If it is right for you to return to work now, you will know. If it isn't, you will know.

Much love and strength x.

expatinscotland Wed 07-Nov-12 23:37:21

Thinking of you, cup.

And never, ever feel guilt about any of Bea's life or death. You did all you could and there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep her.

OrangeChicken Wed 07-Nov-12 23:46:14

Your words Cup at the beginning of this thread - they are lovely. You really are so very eloquent.

You know, Bea went when she was ready as the others have said. She obviously worked hard, yes - that was Beatrice through and through - she was no quitter that girl (!), but she wasn't hanging on against her will, she was waiting for the moment that was right for her. Don't feel guilty about family maybe not having said goodbye in person. In person is not the only way to say goodbye and goodbyes of the heart can be felt through space and time. Bea knows who loved her and cherished her, whether they made it to say it in person or not.

Good luck for returning to work tomorrow. It is different for everybody and only you can work out what is right for you. Take it as it comes and don't set yourself up to have expectations in anything - either what you can manage or how you feel or how long you stay for. One thing is sure and that's that a little butterfly will be with you the whole day through, smiling and now taking her turn to hold your hand! She will be proud, no matter what!

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Wed 07-Nov-12 23:51:00

Will be thinking of you tomorrow - good luck. Those children are lucky to have you. All of them.

xxx

I know somebody who had a panic attack in the supermarket too. It was after her father had died.

Cup - I think Beatrice stayed as long as she could and then she went home to God. Nothing you did could have changed that and you shouldn't feel guilty. Your loving care kept her alive for those 13 months. Nobody could have done more.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow too. See how it goes but if you need to stop and go home people will manage. The children will manage. You aren't letting them down. You'll be showing them what a good woman and a good mother looks like.

pearlgirl Thu 08-Nov-12 00:57:43

Thinking of you tomorrow.
I had a panic attack in the dentists around the time of my mum's death - it was as if I couldn't cope with another thing in my head that I had to control and order.
As another fellow teacher I also found work a place I could put my grief to one side at times as work is so full on and I found that for me it helped - but that isn't the same for everyone. You will know what is right for you and if that is just to do part of the day or not do any of it people will manage and find a way forward, just as you will.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 08-Nov-12 01:22:29

I would guess that Bea stayed as long as she possibly could, which was much longer than expected, because she had your love and strength.
If she'd had any choice at all, I think she would have stayed forever.
I'm worried about you tomorrow too, it's very soon.

trumpton Thu 08-Nov-12 03:51:56

I just woke up and am posting to say my thoughts are with you tonight and every dark night .
I hope work goes well for you . Love to all the Teaset x

Everlong Thu 08-Nov-12 06:55:39

Sending love this morning cup
We are all with you.

sassythebloodFIRSTy Thu 08-Nov-12 06:57:05

Love to you this morning cup x

Thumbwitch Thu 08-Nov-12 07:05:58

Ah Cup (((hugs))).
Sorry to hear about the tyres, that's a real PITA and just feels so unnecessary.

Where Bea is concerned, you have nothing with which to reproach yourself - you and she were a team, doing the best for her, fighting the good fight as long as her strength held out. Sadly she was finally overcome - but you and she did everything possible to give her the best chance and the best life she could have - she would have stayed longer if she could have, I'm sure. xx

If you find work is too much for you tomorrow, make your excuses and leave early. I am sure that no one could blame you if you need to.

Somersaults Thu 08-Nov-12 07:33:31

Thinking about you today. Much love xxx

MorningPurples Thu 08-Nov-12 08:07:11

I just wanted to send you good wishes for returning to work today. I hope it goes well.

janey68 Thu 08-Nov-12 08:11:38

cupoftea - hope today goes well and offers some smiles amid your heartache. You sound such a lovely person; your pupils will love to see you again I'm sure.

FairiesWearPoppies Thu 08-Nov-12 08:18:04

Good luck today cup xxxxx

DottyDot Thu 08-Nov-12 08:21:20

Thinking of you today Cup xxx

ohmeohmy Thu 08-Nov-12 08:29:05

Hope you find what you need from working today. As others have said Bea went when she was ready, it wasn't up to anyone else including the drs. You are an amazing mum and I suspect a pretty good teacher too.

fhdl34 Thu 08-Nov-12 08:29:21

Thinking of you today cup. Please don't feel guilty, you did so much for Bea, I hope in your heart you know that. Be kind to yourself x

thewhistler Thu 08-Nov-12 08:57:02

Thinking of you.

MNP Thu 08-Nov-12 10:32:47

Oh Cup, yesterday was a rough day but I firmly believe didn't leave you a minute sooner than she had to, fly Bea.

Hope today is smooth running.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Thu 08-Nov-12 12:42:39

I saw a beautiful butterfly today & it made me think of you Cup & of precious little Bea. I hope today has treated you kindly.
Love & hugs xxx

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