Not getting through my grief - gone on for 4 yrs now in severe depression.

(7 Posts)
mulranno Sun 28-Oct-12 07:16:27

I had a unique, complex and deep relationship with my mother as she was suddenly widowed at 27 with 6 young children. I was the oldest aged 6 at the time and took on the other parent role thru my childhood and adulthood....since we lost her 4 years ago aged 63 very suddenly and horrifically to cancer we have all been devastated. I lapsed into a 3rd ssucessive severe depression (the two before had been PNDs) and have been told from friends and family that I should be making progress and not have this sadness about me still. I have been told to "deal with my grief" and get some specialist psychological help. Has anyone else been through this where grief doesnt shift - what does dealing with it look like? I am currently already on ADs and now a tranquilliser - and on my 3rd visit to a counsellor - what else should/could I be doing?

mulranno Sun 28-Oct-12 07:22:04

http://blogs.abc.net.au/allinthemind/2010/02/grief-depressiondifferent.html

this is an interesting review about grief by a prof of psychiatry following personal experience.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Sun 28-Oct-12 07:34:47

I don't want to leave your post unanswered, but I don't think I can give you any answers. Just a big hug and a squeeze of your hand.

Tbh I'm not sure there is an answer to your question. What has your counsellor said?

My son died 5 years ago and I still grieve for him everyday. My grief is no longer overwhelming me, it's more like it lives alongside me. But it still has the power to overwhelm me. But, there is no right or wrong with grief. You feel what you feel.

Are you now unsure of your place in the family/world? I imagine having such a close relationship with your mum was like a long and enduring friendship. Also you were probably like a second mum to your siblings.

When ds (my firstborn) died, apart from the huge grief, I didn't know my purpose anymore. I had become a SAHM, but had no baby. I still felt like a mum, but had no child. That part of my grief only got better when I had ds2.

Does any of this make sense?

Sending you love and strength x

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 28-Oct-12 07:43:30

I've spoken to many people who have received bereavement counselling and all of them have said that they found it very beneficial, I've never heard anyone claim it was a waste of time.So please give the counselling time to work.I don't think 4 years is a particularly long time in terms of healing it takes years and years for the soul to cope with the loss of a loved one.I'm in the very early stages of grief haing lost my lovely Mum in February and the pain is still very intense,whereas with my Dad who I lost 6 years ago the pain is similar to a dull ache.
It's ok for people to say pull yourself together but sometimes it just isn't physically possible.I think exploring what different help is available is a good step forward, so well done you.

Everlong Sun 28-Oct-12 08:40:30

I'm sorry about your mum.

I think the suggestion of specialist pyscological help is actually spot on.

What's happened in your life is deeply traumatic.

Losing your father at such a young age and then supporting your mother help bring up 5 siblings along with all their grief would have been beyond hard on you.

My mum died when I was 4 and my son died 4 years ago, so I have some clue what you are going through.

How is the counsellor? Is it a specific grief counsellor?

mulranno Sun 28-Oct-12 09:13:42

Thank you for your support especially from your places of deep sorrow;
There is a lot going on in my head. My mother never really recovered from the death of my father and we as children did not grieve - it blighted our lives and my first thoughts when my mum died was "I am not going to let this define my life like my fathers death defined my life" -- but this is just niave - I suppose I meant not overwhelm me and of course being a child in those tragic circumstances I was always going to be defined as the child with the dead daddy, sufffering mother, the one parent tragic family,

I think I have grieved over my mother -- I have shed many tears and been distraught. I thought I was actually through it, or had turned a corner at least earlier this year - but the pressure of the background dramas in my everyday life which have been prolonged and at their most intense recently (major money issues and signifcant debt, child with sen & behavioral problems, having to move childrens schools and house, disappointment in my marriage, working full time with 4 children and a 3-4hr daily commute, challenging teenage son, major family fall out with siblings over mother will) has made me tip into a severe depressive episode...where I tear up and choke at the mention of my Mum. Maybe I am still raw and these latest setbacks are inflicted on an open wound.

I did 2 sessions in the early months on with a cruse counsellor - but gave up as I felt I was wasting her time.

The counsellor is just general/private which I found on bacp but I have said I need to deal with my grief -- where would I look for a specifc grief consellor.

ClareMarriott Sun 28-Oct-12 10:56:44

Dear Mulranno

I lost my father at aged 11 which is 45 years ago and I entirely understand what you say about assuming an adult role when you are only a child. When someone dies, friends and family can stumble over what to say, they want to say kind things but whatever they say can seem to be wrong as your mind is too numb to take it in. However, I would say that friends and family are wrong to say that you should be progressing as each person deals with death and the grieving process differently. You have and will go through all different emotions and there is no timescale when you should be over it. Don't beat yourself up about not complying with someone else's opinion of where you should be in your life. I was going to suggest approaching BACP to find a counsellor but you have done that already. Perserve with going to counselling ( can you arrange free sessions via your gp ? ) as nothing you say or don't say will go outside the four walls. You won't be wasting their time and you will be helping yourself. Also, do little things for yourself if you can to look after yourself. You will find your own ways of coping

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