has anyone else lost a twin?sorry,this is long!)

[stephanie21]

when i was 7 weeks pregnant,i started to bleed.after being told by the emergency doctor to let nature take its course,i spent what felt like the longest weekend of my life worrying.on the monday i went into hospital for a scan.i laid there facing my dh,i didnt want to see the screen.the lady doing the scan was lovely,and asked me how many weeks i thought i was.i told her 7.for a brief moment i thought maybe i was wrong,and that i wasnt at all pregnant (despite doing 5 tests!!)she told me i was almost 13 weeks pregnant,and told me to look at the screen.there,with a beating heart was my baby.my heart leapt and i started crying with relief.she took the internal scan out of me and put one on my belly.as she moved it around,i saw something to the side of my baby.i asked what it was,and she gave me a pityful look,stopped the scan and told me to go to the ward to see the doctor.my dh and i went to the ward,and the doctor came in,looked at the papers the scan lady had given us,and gave me the same pityful look.he told me that i had been carrying twins,but one had died.all i kept asking was 'is the baby ok'.it just didnt sink in.i had a really bad pregnancy (i had spd)and when my dd was born,i felt just so lucky to have such a beautiful healthy baby.when she was 2 weeks old,we had her christened.the vicar said a prayer and blessing for our lost baby.when dd was 6 weeks old we got the next big shock,she was diagnosed with cf.she is now 18 months,but i just cant stop thinking about her twin.we never knew if it was a boy or a girl.all we got told was that it was in a seperate sac and that dd would more than likely be ok.i know its 18 months ago,but i cant stop thinking about him or her.i saw the vicar that christened dd the other day,and she said i maybe feel like this because i didnt get to grieve for the baby.i just concentrated on dd.will i ever stop feeling so low?dh said we could have another baby,but i think i'd still 'miss' dd's twin.and my other worry would be that it would happen again (also theres the cf risk).i know i'm not the only one that has gone through this,but i havent spoken to anyone about it or how i feel.i even find myself avoiding my pregnant friends.someone help,please

[mancmum]

I lost my DDs twin at 12 weeks -- my DD was born fine and healthly after a pregnancy that I worried my way through... I thought I had come to terms with it until I checked her birth bands and they had written Twin 1 and Twin II on them and then crossed out twin II which hurt like hell... they had no bothered to read my notes to see that I had lost her twin.. it was only mentioned on the 2nd b line...

I do feel a pang when I see twins but I am so grateful for my DD, I feel that if we had had twins, I would not have her as she is now (if that makes sense) and I would not swap her for the world..

In a way I find it easier not to know the sex as that would make me build an identity for the lost baby and that would probably make it worse to deal with...

I know how you feel... but I have learnt to take the glass half full approach to this and celebrate what I have and not to dwell too much on what I lost...

[chjlly]

Hi I had a heavy bleed at 10 weeks I had a scan and baby was fine but was given no explanation as to why I had the bleed. We did ask about the possibility of it being a twin pregnancy and losing one but was told no. I then had ds at 33 week as my placenta had stopped working which why I now believe that it was a twin pg and the bleed and damaged the placenta. I also feel that I lost one as there was a problem with it & it was my bodies way of dealing with it.
I had a second pregnancy which went fine and dd was born term with no problems weighing 10lb 5oz where ds weighed just 2lb 15oz
It may sound bad but I have never felt anything for this as I have never had it confirmed that I was carrying twins and also that there must have been a reason for it not developing.
I talked to my doctor about whether it could happen again and was told that there should be no reason for it to happen I felt that if it did I had been through it once and would be able to cope again.
Hope this helps

[stephanie21]

that must have been so hard seeing that on your babys band.i know what you mean though,my dd is so loving and funny!and if the other baby had lived then i dont think she would be like this.she gets so much attention,and is really spoilt.but its when she does certain things like comes for a cuddle,or gives kisses,i start thinking about the other baby.i do appreciate what ive got,and i know that i'm lucky to have her.but i just cant stop feeling like this.

[stephanie21]

thanks chjlly,i too thought that maybe it was my body telling me something was wrong.dd has cf,and if her twin had lived,then that too would probably have had cf,which would have been so hard.dd is my 5th baby.my 2nd was a twin pregnancy aswell,and i lost one at 11 weeks,but didnt feel anything like i do this time round.

[mancmum]

I am sorry that you still feel like this I do grieve for my baby especially on the day I lost him (am sure it was a boy but obviously can never prove it) I have planted a tree for him in the garden and do think about him a lot .. there is still some pain there and a lot of sadness, esp when other people give birth.. I feel cheated that the last pregnancy I will ever have was so spoilt and yet feel guilty feeling this way as it gave me my perfect dd... I am happy to talk more to you about this I am always very open about my loss as it makes me feel that my baby is being recognsied and acjknowleged...

[stephanie21]

mancmum,i want to plant a tree.but we arewaiting to move.dh says we will do it when we are in new house.i've never been able to talk about it to anyone,as everyone says i'm lucky to have my children.one of my friends is a midwife,and when i told her that i had lost one,her exact words were 'bloody hell,i bet your glad,think how hard that wouldve been'.i burst into tears in the street!and that came from a midwife!dh also says we should give the baby a name or at least a sex.i feel that it probably was a boy,but dont want to think of it as aboy if it wasnt!(sounds daft i know)one of my neighbours is expecting,and she plans on giving her baby to its father when its born as she doesnt want it.i got so angry with her,and havent spoken to her for weeksnow.i do feel cheated but i also feel guilty for feeling cheated!i'd love to have another baby,but dont want to do it just to try to replace the baby i lost.i think i probably need counselling tbh.

[mancmum]

you have lost so much - no wonder you hurt so much... to have lost 4 babies is heartbreaking and so much more than I could imagine... maybe counselling is the best way forward for you.. my friend lost her baby after birth and she found bereavement counselling hugely helpful... might be appropriate for you... maybe you did not feel it as much at the time with the others but now with your more recent twin loss and the "loss" of your DDs health (if that makes sense) you are now carrying round a huge amount of emotion that you need to work through....

I have had similar said to me by the so called caring professions - guess they are trying to move us to better places but it is still inappropriate and until you have lost you have no idea at all of what it feels like... I think the loss of a child whether born or before is the worst thing you can ever go through and you have lost 4 so don't be hard on yourself for avoiding pregnant people or crying... you are grieving and you need supporting through this process...

[swedishmum]

One of my twins died at 24 hours - we found out at 20 weeks that it was a twin pregnancy and then found she had a lethal heart defect and wouldn't survive. Although given the option of a partial abortion I carried her to term. After losing her, her surviving twin nearly died at 3 weeks of a very severe chest infection. It was a horrible time. I got the most comfort from writing all my feelings down and still occasionally look at my diary from that time. My twin baby is 10 now and it's still special to us, though for the first time this year I didn't particularly think of her on the day she died, luckily the next day from the birthday. Mil bought us a rose with her name and also had a star named after her and her twin. It's not something we talk about regularly but it is very important to her surviving sister. She's very intuitive, but has a fantastic time with her other 3 siblings.

[jamsam]

i konw im going to have to stop crying long enough to post this.
when i was 15 i was told i couldnt have kids ( a complete mis diagnosis!!). when i was 19 i went to the doctor with severe food poisening and he did a full blood test to rule out any major problems, when it came back he rung me ( Mum took the call) and he told her i was pregnant.
so you can imagine the atmosphere at home, after about 3-4 weeks of trying to figure out what to do i went to the midwife and discovered i was bleeding..so i went straight to the early screening clinic and was told i was almost 5 months gone and losinga twin. it was agony, both physically and emotionally. i was sent home that night and i never spoke about it t the familiy. only two friends and the dad know. the other twin ( ds1) was very early but ultimatly healthy and i dont think ive evere faced it...untill now.

[Helenemjay]

jamsam that must have been so hard! i was a twin and my sister was lost at about 28 weeks we dont discuss it really as it was obviously a huge shock and a big issue for my mum and i dont like to bring it up in case it upsets her, but like so many people have said, you cant truly begin to come to terms with some things until you sit and share with someone - anyone, to get it all out in the open can sometimes do wonders! - honest!