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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

1 2

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My son's birthday

28 replies

WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre · 03/01/2006 00:45

Just wanted to tell someone that my son, our first child, was stillborn 4 years ago today (well yesterday as it's past midnight; Jan 2nd 2002)
Had a pretty tough day and just felt like sharing and remembering him with you all
Thanks for reading

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Pixiefish · 03/01/2006 00:45

xx sympathies with you at this hard time xx

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TheholyGHOSTY · 03/01/2006 00:46

Oh, WtlbofOare ... so sorry ... thinking of you {{{{}}}}

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WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre · 03/01/2006 01:09

Thanks Pixiefish and TheholyGHOSTY,

Can't believe how bad I feel today. Am off to bed now and to kiss ds2 and dd to make me feel better. Actually just writing and telling people helps, I don't get to talk about him enough really.

Thanks again

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Pixiefish · 03/01/2006 09:26

that's what we're here for WtlbofOare. you're never alone and if you want to talk about your son then here is a good place to do so xxxx

hope you're a bit better this morning xx

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WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre · 03/01/2006 21:13

Thank you so much Pixiefish.

I do feel a little better today. Was feeling a bit sorry for myself as a few friends forgot (most people do but they have also lost babies, and all are buried in same cemetery)
Spoke to one today and feel a bit better. Found it hard this year, now have 2 living children it's as if people think I am ok now about the one I lost.
Also 4 years seems so much longer ago than 3

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compo · 03/01/2006 21:15

I'm so sorry to hear this. Would you mind if I ask you a few questions (feel free to ignore my post). It's just that one of my best friends had a still birth a month ago and I wondered what is the best way to remember it each year? A card perhaps? I'm seeing her soon and wondered if it would be insenstive to ask questions or best to leave alone?

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bubble99 · 03/01/2006 21:18

Thinking of you. It's a dark place you're in at the moment. I hope some light comes through for you soon.

XXX

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colette · 03/01/2006 21:24

Hope you are getting lots of love and support to get you through . xx

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Hulababy · 03/01/2006 21:24

So sorry.

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Roobie · 03/01/2006 21:28

So so sorry that you lost your baby ... I can only begin to imagine what you must feel. It's coming up to the 1st anniv of my friend's baby's death during labour and we still talk about her little lost baby all the time (happily she is pg again due in March). I have her ds's anniversary in my birthday book and plan to send a card each year as I do with all my friends children.

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CaptainDippy · 03/01/2006 22:13

Wethreelittlebabiesoforientare - Thinking of you and praying for you at this sad time - Take so much hope from your other two children and thank God for their little lives - I cannot even begin to imagine how much pain you must be in right now, but be assured that even people you do not even know - care deeply - your little son MATTERS.

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bubbles2904 · 03/01/2006 22:50

really don't know what to say i'm so sorry, thinking of you xxx

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WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre · 04/01/2006 00:27

compo, I think your friend would appreciate a card in memory of her baby, or maybe some nice little keepsake, for the grave if they have one?

I would also let her know you are there for her to talk if she needs to, and don't be afraid to mention the baby to her. Let her know you have remembered her special day. I think a lot of people don't mention Joseph because they think that doing so will somehow make me feel worse, or "remind me"! As if I could forget. I personally love talking about him, and my ds2 aged 3 knows all about him, includes him as part of our family etc. which helps a lot. On Mon we sang Happy Birthday and ds2 blew out a No.4 candle and released 4 balloons for him, which we watched until they disappeared.

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WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre · 04/01/2006 00:30

Thanks bubble99. I know you understand how I feel, and don't want to make you think it will always be like this for either of us. Obviously birthdays and Christmas are hard for us, but my ds2 and dd do a lot to help us, as I am sure you know the feeling. Wanted to say I read your other thread and completely understand your feelings about another baby and wish you well. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

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WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre · 04/01/2006 00:33

Hi colette,

I know in my heart that no one has forgotten him, though they may not remember his birthday, but we, his family will always think of him, and that's what counts. DH has been really good the last few days, it's been a while since I had a big "wobble" like I am having now. Think it has surprised us both.

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WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre · 04/01/2006 00:36

Roobie, thanks for your message.What a lovely friend you are. I know your friend will appreciate you remembering.I have a couple of friends like that, don't know what I would do without them. They remember his birthday and I feel able to talk about Joseph with them, knowing they will not feel uncomfortable.

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WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre · 04/01/2006 00:37

Thanks Hulababy

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Janh · 04/01/2006 00:38

Four years really isn't very long when you have lost your baby like this, is it? It sounds as if you are doing a great job at keeping Joseph's memory alive in your family - his brother and sister will always know about him, as they should, and you and DH are allowed the odd wobble - god knows how I would cope with a loss like yours. XXX

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WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre · 04/01/2006 00:39

Oh CaptainDippy that made me cry! What a lovely thing to say, just what I needed to hear. I feel so lucky to have ds2 and dd, and for the most part my life is a happy one- happier than I ever thought would be possible after losing Joseph, but also at times sadder than I could ever have imagined. Thank you.

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WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre · 04/01/2006 00:41

bubbles2904- thank you. You don't need to know what to say, just replying is enough. Thanks for listening.

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WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre · 04/01/2006 00:46

Thanks Janh, you have also set me off with your kind words, but in a nice way. You're absolutely right- 4 years isn't a long time, I wish other people in RL would sometimes realise that. Even FIL doesn't mention his grandson, and he was one of the only people to see him. Needless to say he didn't remember his birthday either but I am used to that. The things we do in Joseph's memory are really important to us. I know you are right about ds2 and dd, already ds2 talks about him, and sad times and hard days are generally outweighed by memories and a happy place in our family for Joseph. Thanks for replying.

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swedishmum · 04/01/2006 00:58

Lots of sympathy to you - it's still such a short time ago for you. Donn't know if your in laws are anything like my parents but they can only cope by being practical not talking, for eg dad's first comment when we told him our baby had died was right I'll get on with organising the funeral, any idea about readings?? (He's a retired vicar btw) Both parents were painfully inadequate to me.
Things that I liked for presents - a star named after her (mil) and a rose with her name (mil) on different anniversaries.
My thoughts are with you. It's hard I know.

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gravity · 04/01/2006 05:57

i read these with tears pouring down my face - you ladies are the strongest people on the whole of mumsnet - it makes me realise no matter how bad i think my 2005 was, it doesnt come close to what you all have been through.

i thank my lucky stars for my two beautiful healthy babies.

swedishmum and wethreelittlebabiesoforientare, my love and thoughts are with you, i wish i could say something that could make this better, there isnt.

The nicest thought i like to think when a special loved one has passed is that although they are no longer with us they can now be our very special guardian angels looking out for us and our children from up above.

xxxx

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throckenholt · 04/01/2006 08:28

grief is an odd thing - it strikes randomly, often at times when you least expect it and over things that you think should not bother you. Time does help - but you can still be very upset about it years later - have a good cry and don't bother what anyone else thinks.

Also - not everyone remembers dates (I am often unaware of what date it is !) - it does not mean they have forgotten. But it is inevitable that he more means more to you and your immediate family than to anyone else.

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Amyjade · 04/01/2006 11:13

I find grief does strike randomly, like a wave crashing into you when your not expecting it, as time goes on things go calm but the waves still come not as often but just as big.

It's only been 9 months since i lost Dd1 aged 19 months to meningitis and the pain i feel inside is no better than the early days i just hide it well.

A loss of a child is the hardest thing in life to deal with, i find the thing that gets me through it every day wtlbofoare is like you remembering and sharing their memory.

Thinking of you on your sons birthday, these days are always so hard, full of 'if only's'.

Here is a little verse i found.

AS LONG AS I LIVE YOU WILL LIVE
AS LONG AS I LIVE YOU WILL BE REMEMBERED
AS LONG AS I LIVE YOU WILL be LOVED.