help me help my dd

[bubbles2904]

my neighbour was murdered on xmas eve and the police found her on boxing day. my 6yr old dd is very upset and having nighmares that someone is coming back for her. how do we get through this?

[followthestarlover]

that's awful!

[SackAche]

OMG! Have they caught who did it??????

[busybusybee]

Oh my goodness that is dreadful
Could you try something like victim support - Although you are not directly the victims - I would be terribly upset this - would probably give me nightmares too

[7777777]

the police must know something i would have thought as its not been on the news yet

[Nbg]

What exactly does your dd know?

Does she know that someone murdered them? Could you sort of cover up a bit and say they died unexpectedly or something?


God, this must be so awful for you.

[bubbles2904]

she was sat there when the police came in asking us questions, so she knows quite a bit. she was strangled and they thinkit was her husband who has also been found dead, it has only been on the regional news

[Nbg]

Christ!

I would think long and hard and try and backtrack as much as you can to cover it up IYSWIM.

Like busybee says, maybe you could call victim support and get some advice. Maybe even your GP could put you in touch with someone or give you an idea of some people to get in touch with?

[followthestarlover]

have to say, i'm surprised you let her sit there and hear it!!!

but agree with nbg, backtrack and try and cover it up

[bubbles2904]

tbh, i never really thought much of it at the time as we didn't know what had happened. she knows that they're both dead but i'm thinking of trying to cover it up by saying she died of natural causes, she doesn't know that she was strangled. the councelling is a good idea thanks

[foxinsocks]

I don't know if you need to backtrack - it may be that she will over hear other conversations and wonder what on earth is going on. I don't think you need to tell her all the details - just that they died.

There was a fire in our street last year (think it was last year!) and an old man died going back in to the shed/garage to try and put the fire out (he had caused it by accident). We told the children he had died because it was all over the local papers and everyone was talking about it (and they didn't see him around any more) - also, we were in the street when it all happened so they saw the fire and the firemen looking for this man.

We told them that bad things happen and it was very sad but there was nothing that could be done and then told them about dialling 999 in an emergency and always getting away from fire. My eldest could not understand why his mummy and daddy couldn't have rescued him from the fire so we had long conversations about how when you are much older you look after yourself etc.

I think you have to be honest but not go into too much unneccesary detail. Say that they died, it is very sad but that this is the end of it and the policemen are not looking for any bad people. Maybe tell her that they came to speak to you just to make sure you were all OK and to find out what you knew.

[Nbg]

I've just remembered. Years ago I used to babysit a young boy who was probably the same age as your dd is now.

They were broken in to one night and he was so scared of people coming back in to the house. His parents went through a bedtime ritual with him, like letting him lock the doors and shutting the windows before he went to bed. It made him alot more at ease.


When I say "backtrack", I mean go over in your head what the police said infront of your dd so you know exactly what she knows then whatever you explain to her won't make it more confusing IYKWIM.

[foxinsocks]

it's horrible explaining death to children at around that age because I think they still can't fathom how life could end so abruptly.

[bubbles2904]

thanks so much for all the advice, tbh, i'm totally shook up by it all myself, it's only really hit me today. i don't want her to know the whole truth as when you're a child you should be oblivious to all the hurt and badness in the world, you have to deal with it enough in the adult world. it is a truly devastating thing for my community as it's so lovely and very quiet where i live, you wouldn't expect it, and to think i used to say hello to this man, it's true when they say you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

[nannyme]

I really and truly wouldn't lie or try and cover anything up. You are right, children need to be protected but not from the truth. Children always need to know the truth.

Fear in children is often borne out of a lack of knowledge or understanding and out of feelings of not being in control.

By retelling the story in what, to you, is a less scary way you run the risk of a conflict of information which will mean your children lose faith in you, they wonder whether they can trust you and, ultimately they lose confidence in your ability to protect them.

Tell them the facts as you know them. Tell them the parts you do not know or understand, express your disbelief, your sadness your concerns and together formulate plans to help keep one another and yourselves safe. These plans should be general and not directly related to what has happened.

If you do all this you remain in control of your lives, the children see you coping with disaster and gain strength and courage from this. Most importantly they will see their parents as people that are honest and reliable and dependable and this will give them the ability to feel safe in the knowledge that there are at least one (or two) people in this scary world they can trust and rely on.