4 year old DS crying for his lost baby sister

[nickiey]

But the problem is she was stillborn before my i had ds.
We have alsways been very open about our lost little girl with him, we have her picture on the sideboard and we take her flowers at xmas and on her Birthday, ds helps with this.
Recently he has been getting upset and asking for her, that its sad about her and he hates heaven cos it keeps her away from him!
Has anyone else ever experienced this? atm i am just consoleing him and not making a big issue about it-sort of there there never mind no what shall we do this afternoon kind of approach, is this ok?

[lrkids]

I delivered my baby girl very early back in april when my ds was 4 and a half, as he knew I was pregnant I had to tell him that his sister wasn't coming home.
I spoke to him about what we would have done together etc. He would look at my scan pictures and ask where her head, legs were etc. He hasn't seen an actual picture of her as it was distressing for me to see her.
This seemed to help him, and as I was very upset I knew I couldn't just pretent it all had never happened. He still asks about her and gets upset now and I will normally talk to him about her.
Don't know whether this helps, I hope it does, I think you just need to carry on talking about your little girl to him.
Another thought is maybe that he is beginning to realise about death and could be scared about that and scared of losing other members of his family.

[Enideepmidwinter]

I think its a bit much to expect him to take the flowers tbh

honestly? I am so sorry for your loss but I wouldn't have the picture up either. I would have made my grieving private until he was a bit older.

[Hulababy]

I think you are probably doing the right thing for now with him. Let him talk and answer him hoestly and with care. It's is nice that he knows about his sister. She was, and still is, a very important part of your life and there is no reason, IMO, for her to be hidden away and a secret. Just be sensitive to your DS for now and listen to his concerns and fears.

I think many children go through a phase of worrying about death and grief at this age.

[Amyjade]

I think you are doing the right thing and the fact he is getting upset about the sister he never had is quite normal. He has probably seen other children with their big sisters and felt a bit jealous.

I lost my Dd1 in April aged 19 months to meningitis and only 8 weeks later gave birth to Dd2, it is so important to us that Dd2 knows all about her wonderful, big sister and knows that she is and always will be part of our family. We show her pictures, we take her to the churchyard every time we visit Dd1's grave and she is only 6 months old. These things will be something she grows up with and will help her understand that Dd1 was a real person and is part of her, we will obviously keep some details from her untill she is much older, we will tell her that her grave is somewhere the angels come to collect presents and flowers for her.

Just let him talk, ask questions, never keep anything from him.
It's nice that you do these things with him as like i said your Dd is part of your family and will never be hidden away.

Hope everything is ok with Ds and he wasn't too upset x

[majormoo]

I agree that you are doing the right thing by being open about this. All you can really do is be honest and try to make your son feel loved and secure.

Different situation, but my half sister was killed in a fairground accident when she was 12 (while my parents were on honeymoon) This was in 1972 and I was born in 1974. I have always felt sad that I had a sister that I never got to meet, but I am glad that I knew the whole story. My dad would not have photos up in the house because it was too painful, and I remember secretly hiding a photo of her away that I found when we were going through stuff in the loft. We visited her grave every year on her birthday, and again though it is painful, I have always been glad and /that we went.

So I know it is a different situation, but I think all you can do is be honest with him anda= answer his questions as best you can

[majormoo]

I agree that you are doing the right thing by being open about this. All you can really do is be honest and try to make your son feel loved and secure.

Different situation, but my half sister was killed in a fairground accident when she was 12 (while my parents were on honeymoon) This was in 1972 and I was born in 1974. I have always felt sad that I had a sister that I never got to meet, but I am glad that I knew the whole story. My dad would not have photos up in the house because it was too painful, and I remember secretly hiding a photo of her away that I found when we were going through stuff in the loft. We visited her grave every year on her birthday, and again though it is painful, I have always been glad and /that we went.

So I know it is a different situation, but I think all you can do is be honest with him and answer his questions as best you can

[eemie]

At this age my dd became sad and cried for her grandfathers who died many years before she was born. Worrying about death is something they have to go through as they begin to understand more. It must be much harder for those of you whose losses are so recent, but it's normal and it helps the children to see that you can talk about death and be sad too.

[monkeynutsroastingonanopenfire]

I agree with Enid I think. It's not that you shouldn't grieve but that it might not be appropriate for ds to grieve for someone he never knew. I say this because my dad died when I was a baby and his death cast a constant shadow over the family - one I wasn't really part of as I never knew him and I felt bad because of it, though I couldn't make sense of it myself at the time. I grew up thinking about death an awful lot, thinking it was always a possibility. It led to panic attacks..I dont know really - it will be difficult for him understanding and articulating a loss that he's only ever felt vicarioulsy, do you see what I mean? It's your loss (and you have my sympathies) but it isn't his..

[mrsdarcy]

I think there is a difference between expecting your DS to share your grief (which you don't seem to be doing IMO) and maintaining your daughter's presence in your home and your life. It reminds me of that lovely prayer people are often sent when they have been bereaved: "...let my name be the household word that it always was..."

I think your approach sounds fine, and if you want to take it further it really depends on your beliefs about heaven etc. I think some people talk of their lost children as being angels, looking down on their families. Obviously at 4 your DS is too young for anything but a very simple discussion about it but I agree with you that being open is much the best appeoach.

[Amyjade]

There are some useful websites and books which help in how to explain death to a child.
child bereavement trust, compassionate friends and winstons wish are good ones.
I bought a book the other day called 'The Next Place' by Warren Hanson it really is beautiful, just a lovely poem about heaven, probably not for a 4 year old but maybe when he is a bit older.
Hope these ideas can help.

[Amyjade]

MrsDarcy

How lovely, our Daughter's name is FREYA and her name brings music to my ears, she is part of our life as much now as she was 8 months ago we just can't see her.
Her name is certainly the household word for all our family.
I'm sure every bereaved mummy feels that keeping their memory alive within the family is a very important step in the healing processs.(if you ever do heal?)

[mrsdarcy]

Amyjade, the whole poem is here

Off-thread, sorry...

[Feistybird]

Fell compelled to say I agree wholeheartedly with Monkeynuts.

Sorry, not sure it helps.

[Amyjade]

Death is not a swear word you know your child, you know his level of understanding, be gentle but don't hide the fact that she existed from him.

[nickiey]

Thanks for your replies guys, I do believe I have been handling this the right way and will continue but as recently he has been crying over her i felt I should just check and see if this is normal-which it seems to be!
I do feel it is far better for him to grow up having always known about dd rather than keeping it secret-when would ever be the right time to tell him that.
As for it not being his loss i disagree.
I'm not going to go down the justification route as I really dont need too, I needed to establish if this is common behaviour for children who have "lost" family, It seems to be so we shall just carry on!

[GoodKingWestCountryLass]

My DS is 4 and he knows I lost his brother before he was born and he would have had a big brother. He too come sto the cemetery with me and helps me with the flowers and he is totally fine with it. He knows my baby was very poorly and it is very sad but he is not sad himself iykwim?

I personally feel it is right for our family to be open about these things and to include our DC in remembering my firstborn.

We have a fwe pictures of DS1 in my bedroom and DS is ever so protective of these photos and when DD who is a toddler tries to grab them he takes them off of her and tells her they are Mummys special pictures and she can't touch, bless him

[wishingchair]

Nickiey - just wanted to add that I think you're doing the right thing. My mum had a miscarriage between me and my younger brother and when he found out at about age 7 or 8, he was devastated. Firstly because we would have had a brother or sister that we didn't have and secondly because if he/she had survived, there was a chance he would never have been born. My mum's miscarriage was at about 10 weeks so not the same and therefore not as appropriate to have talked to us about it when we were little, but I do wonder if she had've introduced him/her earlier whether it would've hit my brother so hard.

I lost a baby at 19 weeks earlier this year and certainly didn't keep it a secret from dd. He is a part of our life and I'm not ashamed of that. We sometimes go to where we buried his ashes and dd knows that is a special place and why.

Take care

[nickiey]

Truly, thankyou it is reassuring to know that im not alone in this, and that others seem to be handling things in the same way.
Ive not posted a great deal about these things, been very weary of being flamed for an opinion which is in itself a shame but each to their own I spose.
I must also stress to Enideepmidwinter that whilst the loss of my DD is obviously still felt, the raw grieving of fresh loss was over by the time DS arrived, he being a huge part of our healing process. As for grieving privately,why would that be preferable? Is it best for children to be wrapped in cotton wool away from any sadness or upset-crumbs even disney has death. Whilst I wholeheartedly respect your opinion I do think you are wrong on that one.