Do you ever get over losing a loved one?

[alfiesmum]

I am back for more advise as you were all so helpful and kind when I posted about my mum dying of cancer in September.

I am finding it impossible to talk or think about my mum without bursting into tears, I am still crying at some point every day and my main worry is that if I still feel this bad then how is my dad coping?
My dad and I are very alike, he seems fine whenever I speak to him as long as he is busy. Me, my husband and children went to his house last weekend for Sunday dinner, my sister and her boyfriend still live with him, since my sister moved back home to care for mum when she became ill.
All was fine as usual until my dad mentioned what we were doing at christmas, he could not get his words out and ate the rest of his dinner with tears running down his face.
My mum and dad were the closest couple I have ever known. They did everything together, and were so in love even after more than 30 years of marraige.
I spoke to him last night on the phone and tried to ask him how he was, without getting upset myself, he choked up again and just said what has he got to look forward to. My mum was his whole life, he said he thinks about her every minute of the day.
How is he ever going to move on, nothing is ever going to make it alright as nothing can bring my mum back. What can I say or do to help him? If I were in his situation I can't see how I would carry on.
I'm sorry to waffle on but I can't say these things outloud to anyone as the words just wont come out.

[alLIOluia]

It's not waffling, it's heartbreaking. It gets better but not completely and it takes ages and even when you think you are doing well you will suddenly have a day when it just knocks you sideways all over again.

Any GP worth his/her salt will refer you and/or your dad for counselling if you decide that you're really not managing. I'm so sorry I can't make it better, I don't even want to imagine how dreadful this is for your poor father especially.

Lots of love.

[bakedpotatohoho]

Oh, how sad. I am sorry about your mother.
If it's any consolation, I imagine that your dad is in a better situation than some, because he has got you, and he is at least sharing with you how he feels rather than bottling it up. (How is he with your sister and her boyfriend?)
I'd guess that he takes consolation from the fact that he is not alone in this. You sound like a lovely daughter; he must be so glad that he has you.
If he gets very low, and stays low, make him see the GP. It's good that you say he is OK if he is busy.
This time of year won't be easy for any of you . What are your plans for Christmas, will you all be together?

[puddle]

Alfiesmum I am so sorry to hear about your mum. I don't know how long it has been since she died but the first year after you lose someone is the hardest, especially all the milestones - birthdays, christmas etc that you have to get through without that person. It does get better but it is very gradual - my dad died suddenly over three years ago and I can still get upset about it. But the feelings of overwhelming sadness do fade.

Has your dad thought about getting counselling? My mum is the least likely person to do it I know but she contacted Cruse and they were fantastic. She had a person assigned to her - similar in age who had also lost a husband - and they visited her every week to talk about my dad and how she was coping. She then moved on to a group who met weekly to support each other.

It's very hard I think because you are so aware of having to support your dad and this means you don't give yourself time to grieve. You need to. Can you talk to your partner? It's a big burden to carry on your own - try and find someone you can share these feelings with.

[alfiesmum]

Thank you for your replies,
My mum and dad have always spent every christmas with my mums sister and he is doing the same this year. He is going to the cemetery on christmas morning and my sister and I are going also to leave my mum some flowers.
I really don't think my dad would ever agree to councelling as he is quite a private person.
I have lots of people I could talk to about it, but I just can't speak about her without choking up.

[gravity]

alfiesmum, i am so sorry for you and your father.
it chokes me up to read your thread. i lost my dad also in september. but i remember when mum died, after so many years together, his gp put him onto ad's. that was ten years ago. has he anyone he would even open up to?
it is going to be such a hard day for you all. are your children his only grand children? children bring such joy and happiness which is what i keep remembering for this christmas day.

[gravity]

alfiesmum, i am so sorry for you and your father.
it chokes me up to read your thread. i lost my dad also in september. but i remember when mum died, after so many years together, his gp put him onto ad's. that was ten years ago. has he anyone he would even open up to?
it is going to be such a hard day for you all. are your children his only grand children? children bring such joy and happiness which is what i keep remembering for this christmas day.

[almostachristmasangel]

//[hugs] i lost my dad last year and it does get better the tears get less ..but what gets me you can go for weeks ok then ...like when we were on holiday in august i was standing at a counter getting phone credit and behind the counter was cigs and tobacco and i thought oh they dont sell old holbourn which my dad smoked ..and i was in tears..as for a split second i had forgotton he had gone

[EEYORE552000]

have cat u

[gravity]

alfiesmum - i hope you are doing better..... hugs x