My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

How do I tell my friend I'm pregnant?

19 replies

robin3 · 12/12/2005 09:58

I have a friend who recently suffered a miscarriage....she's a fairly distant friend so not someone I can just turn up at the doorstep and give a hug to.

I'm now pregnant and our other mutual friends all of whom have just had babies or have just announced their pregnancies and they have advised me to wait before I tell her because she is still very upset. I've now waited as long as I can and feel the fact that everyone else knows is also unfair to her. So what I can I do to tell her before she finds out and knows I've avoided telling her?

I thought I would write a note telling her the news but acknowledging the fact that if I were her I'd be pleased for me but also very sore and angry about what has happened. I figured this way she doesn't have to deal with faking a live reaction of joy when I know she will be very upset. Is that a bit patronising though?

Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
Report
XmasAngelCrimboKat · 12/12/2005 10:03

As a mum and a woman who's suffered m/c's, that's a great idea.
It'll give her a chance for it to sink in, as you said without having to feign happiness.

Report
NewBethlehemGirlwithsparkles · 12/12/2005 10:03

Or maybe an e-mail.

I normally think that sending notes and messages is a bit, well- not on IYKWIM but in the circumstances I think it might be a good idea.

Or is one of your other mutual friends closer to her than you? Could she tell her and explain that you didn't want to say anything for fear of causing upset?

Report
GizmoHoHo · 12/12/2005 10:05

It would work for me, Robin. I think that is a good way of dealing with it.

Report
robin3 · 12/12/2005 10:11

My mates are closer....it's a mothers group situation so friends but only as mums IYKWIM. I don't like to ask them to tell her because it's putting them in a situation of having to deal with the reaction and it seems cowardly in a way.

I suppose I feel I don't know this person well enough to know what to do for the best whereas if it was a best friend I'd know. Our mutual friends have also said tell her in the evening when her husband is with her and so that means knocking on her door at night and breaking the news almost as if I expect them to open a bottle of Champagne.

OP posts:
Report
mincepee · 12/12/2005 10:40

What you could do is ask one of the mums to say something like' have you heard the news etc...' but not to direct the info to her only just to say it as a general comment when they are in a group and you are not there. That way there would not be too much enphesis on the fact that she has had a m/c. I have suffered 5 m/c and that is the way I would prefer to hear. I would be too upset if someone told me straight out and a note would make things awkward as I feel that it may make her feel uncomfortable around you when you next see her. Hope this makes sense and helps.
Oh, by the way CONGRATULATIONS

Report
throckenholt · 12/12/2005 10:42

I would send her a note - say you are hoping it won't upset her, but if it does by you telling her in this way it gives her a chance to deal with it before having to face anyone.

Report
HaveaMerryChristmas · 12/12/2005 10:53

I think the note is a fab idea - but also add a comment saying it would be nice to see her again soon and that you will call her... (because wouldn't want her to wrongly think that you are so paralysing uncomfortable about the whole thing that you are studiously avoiding her in person - hence the note)

Report
desperatehousewife · 12/12/2005 12:18

I wouldn't make a special trip round to her house. I think you are worrying unduly to be honest. She is going to have to accept that people around her will get pregnant/have children and I'm sure she does accept this.

I would either ask a friend to tell her or drop in a low key note - just a short one explaining that you don't want to rub it in, but needed to let her know that you are preg.

I would be mortified if I was her that you are worrying so much about it. Just do it in a low key way and don't patronise her.

Good luckx

Report
jinglediddle · 12/12/2005 17:33

I would definitly tell her yourself, she will appreciate the honesty and the fact that you sympathise with her. Although it is hard, i'm sure she will be happy for you, and would much ratehr hear it from you than anyoen else.

Report
rummum · 12/12/2005 17:48

I liked mincepee's idea about someone mentioning it casualy to her..
I don't know about anyone else but after my miscarriage I hated hearing pregnant women moaning about how ill they felt... how tired they were...

Congratulations by the way...

Report
hana · 12/12/2005 17:49

I think it's lovely that you are concerned, you must be a lovely friend!
I was in this situation a few years ago, except I was the friend who wasn't pregnant - I had a note from someone who was and I thought it was really thoughtful. It took the awkwardness out of seeing her the 'next time' - and I was able to deal with the news of her pregnancy on my own
lots of luck and congratulations on your pregnancy!

Report
robin3 · 26/01/2006 10:35

Just an update on this one. Did what I thought was best and wrote a little note....two weeks later I've heard nothing so I guess it wasn't received well.
Feel sad about this and it's really blighting my pregnancy even though she's a very distant friend. Think it's one I'll just have to let go.

I suspect someone else told her before I did and she felt excluded but I don't know for sure.

Thanks to everyone who helped.

OP posts:
Report
katycakes · 26/01/2006 10:53

I think thats really sad robin3 that she hasn t been in contact with you,you went out of your way to tell her in a way that you hoped wouldn t upset her it would have been been nice for her to acknowledge this and be happy for you.
I have a friend who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at 21 weeks pregnant and fo the sake or her dd1 she decided to terminate the pregnancy and give her self the best chance of survival to see her little girl grow up.
She can t have any more children but is always very supportive when she hears that a friend is pregnant as she says that life goes on,of course it doesn t make her stop being jealous and wishing it was her who was pregnant but she always puts on a brave face and says the right things it would have been nice if your friend could have found it in herself to say she was happy for you

Report
robin3 · 26/01/2006 11:00

Thanks.

Just wish I was less sensitive about all of this stuff. I hate feeling like I've upset people and it really eats away at me. Some people seem to be able to shake it off but I've been thinking about this for two weeks now. I know DP will say I'm just being rediculous and he thought I should have just blurted it out anyway.

OP posts:
Report
fireflyfairy2 · 26/01/2006 11:00

My SIL fell out with me when I was pg with DD (4) she then spoke to me again when DD was born.. fell out with me again when I was PG with ds(1) and now she doesn't talk to me at all. She has PCOS and is having fertility treatment to help conceive.. non of which is my fault, but thats how she sees it and I just have to deal with....

Report
katycakes · 26/01/2006 11:07

I know what you mean robin3 i hate people to think badly of me too but don t let it cloud what is a really wonderful time,try not to worry about it, these things always have a habit of sorting themselves out and it will priobably be when you least expect it

Report
Portree · 26/01/2006 15:33

Robin,

This has obviously been playing heavily on your mind and it's wonderful that you have been so thoughtful. However maybe you are expecting too much from your friend, especially as she is a distant one, to have heard from her already - 2 weeks isn't that long a time when you are grieving and the world seems to be pregnant and you are not. I had a m/c myself around the same time as your friend and it is still very, very raw, though everyone's response is unique to them.

Perhaps she will acknowledge it when she sees you next and perhaps she has no idea that you are expecting her to be in touch with you. She may very well be so consumed with dealing with her own grief that getting in touch is the last thing on her mind. Just give her some time.

Report
robin3 · 26/01/2006 15:38

Portree...that's good advice. I guess the whole point is that I can't imagine what she's feeling and yet I've already decided what her next move should be.

I feel better now. Thanks

OP posts:
Report
Portree · 26/01/2006 15:52

Robin,

Glad to have been of help.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.