Feeling really sad tonight - Could somebody tell me if this feeling will ever end?

[Coathanger]

Not sure if I am posting on the right board, but really need to talk.

A very close and wonderful friend had her baby yesterday. I went to see them both this evening. Baby is beautiful and perfect in everyway and I am so, so pleased for friend, and wish her every happiness.

But I am in a real state now. I had a miscarriage in August and I have been feeling so much better in the last couple of weeks. But after seeing my friend in hospital holding and feeding her baby, combined with the fact I should be 20 weeks tomorrow, I am a complete wreck again. I found myself driving back from the hospital, sobbing and begging for my baby back - its like I have gone back tot the same way I was months ago.

Don't get me wrong, I am not "nasty jealous", I don't begrudge my frinds her happiness, in fact I am over the moon for her. But at the same time I am so sad...

Sorry its so long. Just really need to get this off my chest...

[lucycinco]

i have no experience of this but i'm sure how you are feeling is entirely normal. It's still very early days

[Shazzler]

I feel for you although I have never been there myself.

It was the other way round for me. My friend had a miscarriage just when I found out I was pregnant. She did drift away from me around the time my baby was due but I told her I understood and that I would let her do what she felt was right for her.

Take care of yourself, it's OK to grieve.

[blueteddy]

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[marthamoo]

Oh coathanger - I'm so sorry, it is so hard Of course you're not "nasty jealous" - you're just desperately sad that you don't still have your baby too. I hate to say it and it's such a cliche - but it is still very early days and it will take time, lots of time, before you feel a bit less sad. I don't know your story - but I know you've said you used to only frequent the TTC boards - do you have any children already?

After I had my miscarriage the whole world seemed full of pregnant women - even bloody news readers were pregnant (even some of the men, I think). I walked out of Monsoon in tears because the girl on the till was taking about baby names and patting her tummy - just couldn't cope.

Be kind to yourself, and don't feel guilty - what you are feeling is completely understandable.

[Coathanger]

Sorry BT posted on other thread...

[notasheep]

good you got it off your chest,its positive to have all these feelings and if u want to cry do.
The feeling of sadness is so powerful.I have had 2 miscarriages myself and then went on to have 2 healthy babies,do not know your full circumstances but do wish u well.
Thinking of u

[Coathanger]

Thanks...

Yes I do have 3 sons already. Thats another reason why I am so sad, because I feel sometimes I don't have reason to be so sad as I am a lucky one (I know its irrational to think that coz losing a baby is hard however many you already have, but its how I feel).

If I had hope of having another baby, it probably wouldn't be so hard either. But DH isn't keen on another baby now, and just to add insult to injury he now has a problem that could render him infertile, or at least with reduced fertility

[blueteddy]

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[soapbox]

Yes it does go in time. I never had a replacement for my miscarriage - time ran out for me

I have watched my friends have babies and have enjoyed all of their experiences. Sometimes there is the odd bittersweet moment still, but in the main I am happy for them all. Some of them struggled badly for their bundles of joy and only the truely stonehearted could have failed to share in their joy!

I hope that you can soon move on from the pain you are currently in

[Coathanger]

Thanks everyone for your kindness. I do have a complicated situation which makes all this so much worse.

Not only is DH not keen on having another baby, but he has a suspected varicocele (think thats the spelling). This causes reduced fertilty if not complete infertility. (DH will kill me if he find sout I've told you all!) It is fixable but I'm not sure if DH will have it fixed as it might serve as a contraceptive in his view

[Coathanger]

Okay, I'm off to try to sleep. Not banking on me dropping off but I will try.

Thanks for your help xx

[hunkermunker]

Coathanger, couldn't leave your thread without sending you a huge hug - it's hard, too hard for words - of course you're not nasty jealous, but you're bound to feel raw.

Be kind to yourself and I hope you do sleep well, sweetheart x x x

[Coathanger]

Thanks hunker xx

[Coathanger]

Thanks everyone, for your kind words last night.
I managed to get some sleep last night, and I have woken a bit more positive, but still struggling.
I'm sure things will et better, just such a disappointment to go backwards after doing so well.

Thanks again xx

[hunkermunker]

Glad you slept - have been thinking of you.

You are bound to feel sad at different unexpected times. Grief's like that - it sneaks up and chokes you in the middle of a perfectly happy time. It can be triggered by the most seemingly unconnected thing.

You're still in the relatively early stages - you're doing brilliantly, IMO - just make sure you look after yourself, and remember, there's no "should" with grieving.

x x x x

[Coathanger]

Hunker, you summed it up perfectly. It does feel like I'm being choked. I have never felt like this before. It is a different type of grief. I really didn't think I would ever have another baby, so when I fell PG I was over the moon. Then to have the one thing you want so much taken away, it's like having your heart ripped out. I knwo I'm not alone in feeling like this, its the same for all women who suffer the uncomparable loss of a miscarriage. I have never experienced heartache before this.

Thank you for thinking of me, Hunker. I'm not sure I'm doing brilliantly. I was until yesterday, I was so pleased with myself as I was beginning to see the light at the end of this very long tunnel. But since last night I have been draggd back. Its taken me weeks, months even to feel like I did, and in the space of 2 hours I'm back to square one.

I'll be fine in the end, I'm sure. I just have to start again

[hunkermunker]

It's not starting again, it's not going backwards, it's a natural thing. You might feel like you've been taken right back to the beginning, but remember, you know you can feel happy again, so hang onto that.

You didn't think you'd ever smile again when you lost your baby, I'm sure - however bad you feel now (and I know you do, sweetheart and I wish I could do something to make it all better), you will feel better again. And no doubt it won't be the last time you are achingly sad, but each time, it will get a bit less painful and raw x x x x

[Coathanger]

Hunker, I can't wait to see you at the meet up, so I can give you a big hug You are so right. I know I will be happy again, and I know that really I have not gone back, its just a new situation I am faced with and life is going to throw many more of those my way. I will get through this, especially when I have good people like you to help me out

[Bibiboo]

Coathanger, your feelings are perfectly natural. I have felt jealous of pregnant womena nd new babies since my m/c in September. I would have been almost 5.5 months now and regularly burst into tears when someone in work announces a pregnancy or gives birth. I'm not "nasty jealous" either, and am happy for them, just a bit bitter than it's not me y'know?

thinking of you and hoping you feel better today. xxx

[Coathanger]

Thanks Bibiboo! I am feeling a lot better now, with thanks to everyone on MN

Have talked to DH regarding the fertility problem and we have decided to ditch the contraception and go au natrelle! So we will see what happens. After all it only takes one swimmer to do the job. might take a while though so have decided to focus my energy elsewhere.

[slinkstah]

coathanger- im sorry your feeling down babe, i have some news to cheer you up though, my dp has a varicocele too, he has had it years and the dr told him it could make him infertile but there was no need to do anything about it until he wanted to ttc.
because of this i expected it to be a problem ttc, but got pg first month trying- twice! according to the tinternet most men with varicoceles are not infertile. when infertility occurs because of the varicocele its because the blood might warm the thingys up too much.
hope this makes you happier hun, not many men are infertile with varicoceles. so fingers crossed for you

[carly82]

CH i wish i could see you know to give you a huge hug i just had some bad news my dp says he isnt sure whether to keep ttc cos he hates seeing me so sad i didnt realise what you were going through but just wanted to say that anytime you feel like a chat or a moan feel free to contact me xxxx

[Stockinghanger]

Aww thank you Slinkie and Carly. Will CAT you both xxx

[munz]

awwwwwwwwww honney ((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I've been there with the longing to have baby back. (althou not the additional probs as with ur DH) there will be good days and bad days honney - please don't expect too much from urself. you're not a bad person/nasty, your grief is a natural process. the important thing is to recognise it and not run away from it. we're all here for you (((((((((hugs))))))))).

fingers crossed ur DH won't be left infertile - but if and when u find out he is then we'll all be here for u - but until then u need to believe that he's not going to be. medicines a wonderful thing these days they can fix most problems so fingers crossed for u honney.

[BeachedWhale]

Coathanger, you are absolutely right - it only takes one good little swimmer so don't give up hope. We suffered infertility for many years. DH suffered from testicular cancer.It was like a knife through the heart every time a friend has a baby (and there were many of them).We were told it would be virtually impossible to have a baby naturally. We now have 3. IVF twin boys and one DD conceived after ONE good liitle swimmer got through after ONE night of too much wine!
Thinking of you so much. The pain you are feeling is horrendous, I know. Wishing you the very best pesent in your Xmas stocking. XXX