What is the 'best' age to lose a child?

[bubble99]

There's a woman who I've known on 'speaking to each other at playgroup and getting on well' terms for the last seven years. Her DS1 is the same age as mine. She went on to have a DS2 and a DD. Last summer I met her, having not seen her for a while, and she was pregnant with twins. I was pregnant with my twins too, but five months behind her. We were laughing about the fact that she'd gone for baby number 4, to balance the family and ended up with 5 - and I'd gone for number 3 (odd number) and ended up with a nice even 4.

A couple of months after Bo died, I saw her from a distance around town with her twins. I avoided her as I couldn't face the inevitable conversation.

I saw her again on Sunday. She was out with her twins and was walking straight towards me. She saw Elijah in his pushchair and asked me where his twin was, did I have two boys? Or girls? Etc.
I told her what had happened and she started to cry. I wasn't too surprised, as she is a mum of twins and knows how special they are to each other. She then said that she'd lost her five year old DS2 in May. He'd gone to bed and not woken up in the morning. He'd died during the night from Myocarditis (infection of the heart) no signs or symptoms, apart from a nasty cold which she'd assumed was a normal winter to spring thing.

We had both been a bit 'oo-er!' about being pregnant with twins. The prospect is a bit scary, wonderful, but scary. And here we were, eight months later, both bereaved.

In some sad way I feel that our family has had the 'better' result. We lost a perfect little boy, not through natural causes, but due to under-staffing and the inevitable resulting fk up by the hospital. The needlessness of his death, and the anger we feel, will stay with us forever. But she lost a child who she knew, who she'd spent five years with. My eldest brother died aged 32. He was an RAF pilot and died during his last tour of duty in a plane crash in Cyprus. He would have then gone on to 'fly a bus' with BA. Another 'cutback' and another death. On board navigational controls were not working properly, he was flying at 1200 miles an hour and the piece of equipment which determines where the horizon is ie. sky or sea was not working, he and his navigator ended up dead in a plane 3 miles below the ocean bed. The ground crews to check planes were reduced by half and workload increased. I'm wandering a bit here but it is relevant. My parents lost a 'baby' they had known for 32 years. All those memories.

So, in a sad way, I suppose I should count myself 'lucky.'

[startingtobehalloweenylover]

another way to look at it is that she got to spend those 5 years with her little boy... you didn't get that with Bo

that's maybe not a very nice way to put it.. but i can't think of another way of saying it.

the situations are both so very, very different that it's very hard to compare and say which would be "better"

She may be thinking to herself "i got off better, because at least i had those 5 years" iyswim?

[nappybaglady]

nothing to add but a

[misdee]

poor lady and little boy. i almost lost peter due to heart infection thats how he is so ill now.

i dont know which of you is 'lucky' the pain must be so raw for each of you.

[LadyTophamHatt]

I wish I had something to say......

[Eeek]

they're all awful, in their own ways. Different but all tragedies.

[bubble99]

Elijah's personality is developing. I see him doing his crazy baby routine and I wonder what Bo would have been like. Also, a woman came to our nursery today to register her twins (boy/girl) for nursery places. I know I'm going to find it difficult seeing them together.

But....but. I'm grieving and wondering. She's grieving and clearing out drawers and finding crappy spiderman figures stashed in his school trousers. And his 'I Love You Mummy' cards that he'd made. All so real. The cremation certificate for Bo upset me a lot, it had 'address' and our address and I was struck by the thought that he never saw his home.

[expatinscotland]

It's always a tragedy to lose a child. At ANY age. For ANY mother.

[Pixiefish]

Nothing to say- just a hug. xxxx

[kid]

as expatinscotland said, thre isn't a best age to loose a child but I can see what you mean. Your friend knows what she is missing where as you will never know what Bo would have been like. Its a terrible tragedy that you were robbed of that though. I am amazed at your ability to carry on. I honestly do not know if I would have that strength.

[RTKMonherBROOMSTICK]

I don't know really

I do wish that DT1 lived long enough so he had been able to play with DT2

But really I wish that DT1 had not died at all really

[handlemecarefully]

I'm just sad for both of you.

Loss is loss - difficult to compare, measure etc.

[starshaker]

my boss and i were talking about my friend who lost her baby. the baby was born with both genders (didnt know this when he was alive) and was very badly brain damaged. she told me she had a fried with a 3 year old boy who woke up said mummy then just died. no reason they can find or explination really just said his heart gave up. basically we were discussing how sad it was for both and i thought my friend would find it easier (not really what i mean but cant think of another way of putting it) than the mum who had no explination or warning.

[sweetkitty]

My friend who lost a baby in February due to medical negligence said "well at least I never got to know her that would have been harder"

I do think it's generally accepted that losing a newborn is not as bad as a child you've been raising for a few years, I don't know why.

Bubble your case sounds so similar to my friends I just don't know what to say to her sometimes, her pain is so raw, she's ttc again though. It's hard for me too being pregnant with a girl as well.

[handlemecarefully]

I shouldn't read these threads - they terrify me. The sudden infant death situations....

[swedishmum]

Before Octavia (dd2's twin) was born, we spoke to everyone possible about operations, life expenctency etc for her heart condition. She was too ill for operations and I knew from 20 weeks into the pregnancy that she would die. Odd as it sounds I feel that in many ways her death shortly after birth was the best outcome given the awful situation.
She stayed alive in the womb so her sister could be born safely. We saw her and cuddled her, if only for a very safe time. It was hard to explain to dd1 but easier for her to come to terms with than a sudden death a few years down the line.
Three weeks later her twin nearly died. That was really scary. It made me realise how lucky I was to have those 4 months to prepare for it. And to write all my feelings down. She was a very important part of our lives, especially her surviving twin's life, but I don't have all those shared memories to mourn every day. I hope this doesn't sound heartless - it's certainly not meant to. Ds, who wasn't even born at the time, feels it hardest. He feels something happened he had no shared experience in. Ok, the others were young but we have pictures. Hope this makes some sense to you.

[HuggyBear]

((((((( hugs ))))))))

[morocco]

((bubble99))
I have always found counting blessings is such a good theory and so cold in practice. hugs

[sha11]

i found when people spoke to me about my 4 1/2 yr DS, they said so and sos was 15, 20, etc at least u didn't have to go through with that. it made me mad to think they thought it was easier for me because he was 4 1/2 compared to 20e.g i had him with me 24/7 for those 4 1/2 yrs compared to older children at least becoming independent at some stage(sorry iykwim)no age is a good age our children shouldn't go before us....

[mimi1uk]

i lost a baby at 37 weeks gestation, stillborn, and i would have so loved to have some more time with him, as many memories that i could build which time brings etc, i did not have that much time with him and i would give anything for another moment, of him in my arms, another second to touch and feel him, i would think my self lucky for every second i got to spend with him, etc, and thas how i feel towards my ds now i treasure every day moment second with him, because i know how it can be taken away so easily, a loss is a loss and i think the time makes no difference,

[izzybiz]

I have a friend who lost her 10 week old daughter to cot death.
My Sil lost her 19month old daughter to meningitis.
They met at mine for a chat when my niece died to give my Sil someone to talk to who had lost a child.
My friend even said it must be worse in some ways for my Sil, because she lost a little person, with a personality, just learning to talk etc. She has got more to mourn for.
I think the pain of losing a child must be the same, but you lose different things depending on their age, iykwim.
Also the circumstances of the death is different, my friend had no time to say goodbye, woke to find her dead.
With my niece we had 2 weeks of sheer terror, not knowing weather she would make it and in what state, then her parents had to let her go and lay with her till she was gone.
Which is worse? I hope i will never know..

[hulababy]

I don't know if any age is easier. They are all heartbreaking and life changing. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child, at any age. Our children shouldn't leave before us

[amyjade]

I agree Sha11 the loss of a child is totally devestating whatever the age, it's not the order of things you shouldn't have to bury your children but to lose a child who is totally 100%dependant on it's mother leaves every aspect of your life shattered. I lived and breathed for my daughter she was my whole world, everything i did everyone i knew was part of my life with Freya. So when she died i lost not just my daughter but my whole existance.I could no longer see my friends as i found it too painful as their children are the same age as Freya, no more toddler groups, no more parks, no more being greeted every morning by a smiling face looking at me from her cot, all that was left was a shell of my old life and a broken heart.
In a way having Dd2 8 weeks after Freya died gave me a kick back into the real world, i now had someone else who was dependant on me and i couldn't let her down, it wasn't her fault that her sister died so i was forced to do things no matter how painful they were. This is where the grief of losing an adult child is different i have a chance to hold another child in my arms, for my other children to forfill the dreams i had for Freya if you lose an adult child mostly parents are of an age where thay are too old to have more children so their only dream is the day they are reunited with their dead child can you imagine that.
I will never get over the loss of Freya but i know i only feel this pain because i loved her so much!! i heard i saying the other day from a woman who's 26 year old daughter was killed in a car accident she said "I loved my daugher from her first breath and i will love, morn and miss her until my last." and i'm sure every bereaved parent will agree with this.

[Northerner]

I just feel so so sad for anyone who loses a child, no matter how long you had them for.

There is no sliding scale when it comes to grief. One is not worse than the other.