help me to help my friend....urgent

[lucykatie]

hi, my best friends dad died 10 days ago and his funeral was yesterday and it was heartbreaking for me let alone my friend.
the thing is my friend [who is male] and i are so close as we have been like brother and sister for over 20 years and it is breaking me in two to watch him cry.

he has a 1 year old son and a girlfriend who he loves dearly but since losing his dad so suddenly my friend had rejected them and is pouring his heart down in the pub.

yesterday was his dads funeral and yeah he had a good drink but then went missing and was later found at his dads graveside fast asleep......breaks my heart.

how can i help him, and get him on track with his girlfriend and son, i would hate for her to be pushed away so much that it makes her angry and leaves him. she feels all alone and is so upset for him, but there is only so much she can take.

please help me to find a solution.

[pooka]

I have a friend who's dh went through something similar. He went completely off the rails for about 3 months, though was susceptible to alcohol/drugs but was in recovery before his father died. He got back on track by having bereavement counselling - visited GP and was referred.
CRUSE is a charity dealing with bereavement issues, but I think that they tend to ask that a certain period passes before they step in, in order to allow the natural initial grieving process/shock etc to pass. It's still very early days for your friend.
Sorry I don't have much practical advice, but I just wanted to say that the support of friends like yourself, and his family is so important.

[lucykatie]

what is so hard is that i have never lost someone so close to me.

his dad was his best mate and would stop the earth for him if possible, so i really do not know this grieving process and how long to give him.

dont suppose you can put a time on grief.

trying my best to be there for them both really, but i struggle with seeing the family hurting so much, just wish i could wave a magic wand and make the pain go away.

[lucykatie]

bump

[Nemo666]

aww hun hugs to you and your friend. It does sound like he may need bereavement counselling, however it is only 10days since he lost his dad so it is very very early on. At the moment all you can do is be there and listen. I know its hard but he has to try and get his head around things before he goes to the counselling etc.

[lucykatie]

i am just so scared that he will end up losing his girlfriend and son as there is only so much they can take, that will really send him over the edge.

last night he got drunk but he did make it home, he has told his girlfriend that he will be staying in bed all day untill its time to go out again.

she has decided to take her and her son to a friends for the night.

[Nemo666]

maybe she needs to speak to someone as personally if dhs dad died I would expect him to go off the rails.

[lucykatie]

i just want everything to be ok, i cant stop crying and have had no sleep worrying about them all.

dont know wether to go and find him today and have a chat, i know where he would be, at the cemetry or local pub.

what would i say, sympathetic or a honest talking to?

[lucykatie]

BUMP...PLEASE

[Whizzz]

Can maybe you and his girlfriend get together to help him together ? So she doesn't feel pushed out or threatened

[baronessbee]

Message withdrawn

[lucykatie]

HIS GF AND I ARE GOING TO TAKE THE KIDS FOR A DAY OUT ON MONDAY, SO I WILL HAVE A GOOD CHAT WITH HER AND TRY AND CINVINCE HER THAT IT WILL PASS.

JUST TEXT HIM TO SEE HOW THINGS ARE AND HE SAID IT HURTS AND HE JUST WANTS THE PAIN TO GO AWAY....THINK ITS GOING TO TAKE HIM A LONG TIME TO GET THROUGH THIS.

I HAVE BEEN TO THE CEMETRY TODAY TO ASK HIS DAD TO GIVE HIM STRENGTH TO LET GO....YEAH I KNOW HE'S DEAD BUT I BELIEVE HE CAN SEE AND HEAR ME....AS SOON AS I GOT TO HIS GRAVE SIDE THE HEAVENS OPENED AND IT REALLY RAINED DOWN ON ME.....A LITTLE SPOOKY REALLY, BUT I STILL SAT THERE HAVING A 'WORD'.

AM I CRACKING UP?

[waterfalls]

I was also going to suggest getting together with the GF, Your friend is grieving the best way he knows how, before long he will realise how important and how much he needs his GF and DS, The pain he is feeling is still very raw and is blinding him to anything else in his life.

I hope the Gf is strong enough to see it through, he will need her desperately before long.

[lucykatie]

I TOO HOPE SHE IS STRONG, SHE IS ONLY YOUNG, DONT KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY SAYING THAT, SUPPOSE IT CAN GO EITHER WAY.

AAAAHHHH I COULD SCREAM FOR ENGLAND.
WHY IS LIFE SO PANTS?

[cori]

I dont think there is much you can actually do to help him, you can only be there for him. Its way to soon for him to snap out of it. If he carried on getting drunk every night for months though I would think that intervention, counselling etc would be required. His girlfriend also needs to be patient with him, assumming he is not be aggressive or hurtful towards her, she needs to be strong for him too.
The grief will lessen over time, it cant be rushed.

[lucykatie]

dont think he is aggresive etc, he isnt like that.

i think he is just not talking to them and going out all the time....losing interest with them, and that hurts doesnt it?

but when i am stressed i always want to be alone so what he is going through is major so can understand totally.

[cori]

Grief is such a personal and lonely state. He may feel that no one else can possibly understand what he is going through so distancing himself from them. I still think that his GF needs to let him know that she is there for him, may be a card or a letter.

[gravity]

lucykatie, that is the same day my dad died.
i hate to admit it but i feel like i am pushing my dh away. not my kids though. i havent turned to drink or drugs. but i lash out at dh unfairly. i hate it. but i hurt so much.
i hope your friends gf can endure the pain your friend is causing.
men handle things so much worse than us though. they bottle it up. you know, the macho man thing. be patient with him. if only he could look at his son and find some joy.
my heart goes out to his gf. try to support her. good luck.x

[cori]

Gravity, sorry to hear that you are going through this too, I hope you are OK.

[lucykatie]

oh so sorry about your sad loss too gravity.

he is a little better, he turned up at our house at midnight on sunday and had a good cry and we ended up having a real good talk and a laugh, strange as it may seem....we laughed at stories of his dad etc....hope it helped but he led the way if you understand me.

went out with his gf and son yesterday and things are not that great, but she is hanging in there and is giving him space.

thanks for all your support, and gravity i hope things soon seem a little clearer and you can rekindle your relationship with dh.

BIG MASSIVE HUGE TIGHT SQUEEZE HUG FOR YOU.

[gravity]

hi guys. thanks for your support.

men can be such a worry in this situation. they handle loss quite differently from us. i am so glad he had a good cry. it can work wonders.

lucykatie - tell your friend that my dad will probably be talking his dad's ear off that day as they headed for the pearly white gates!!!

his gf is a good woman. try to maybe remind your friend is is also a daddy. his little boy doesn't need to lose a grand dad and a dad.i stand by what i said earlier. children are he best healers in this situation. they give you hope.

i hope my words has been of some help.

[lucykatie]

gravity - i can asssure you that when your dad and my friends dad headed for the pearly gates that thet where having a right old laugh, knowing my friends dad they stopped off at the local pub for a drink!!!

we have tried so much to remind him of his son and responsibility to him, but he just cannot handle it at the moment.

its nice that we can talk about his dad and have a laugh on his behalf, some amazing things we talked about.

[Springchicken]

I can sort of understand his girlfriends point of view as I have been in that situation.
My DP's beloved dad died in 2001 (4 years ago), my DP was 17 and i was 16.
My DP turned to his 3 bothers for the support he needed, not necessarily to talk or cry but just to be with them helped him get through it I suppose. It wasn't particularly nice for me as I loved his dad dearly and all I wanted to do was make my DP talk, laugh, smile, be happy, think about his dad but he didn't want that from me, he wanted it from his brothers!
Even now, 4 years on, although we will spend time together on his dad's anniversary or birthday, DP is with his brothers 75% of the time, it still hurts in a way as we have a DD together, are getting married etc but I still don't seem to be able to give him what his brothers can.

Personally, I would never say that your friends girlfriend will only take so much, I have taken a hell of a lot from my DP and have never once thought about jacking it all in and i'm sure I will take alot more - granted he didn't turn to drinking etc but he still turns away from me and DD and that hurts pretty bad.

I really do hope they work through this awful time.

[lucykatie]

springchicken - thanks for sharing your sad story, its exactly how it is, he turns to his friends and family i.e sisters and brothers for help etc but not to his gf.

he has called tonight as he wants to take them both out on friday as he says he owes her big time for letting him be 'free'. i just hope he delivers. she would love that.

[Jemma7]

I hope he delivers too I'm sure his gf would love that, I would've when we were going through it.

[Jemma7]

It's Springchicken btwe, going to change name now!