My mum is about to die

[alfiesmum]

My mum has ovarian cancer which has now spread throughout her body, she is only 54. She was moved to a hospice last night, she is very weak and may die at any time. I went to see her today and was shocked to see how bad she has got so quickly, its been less than a week since I last saw her and she was sitting up and talking normally then. She can now hardly talk or breath and is drifting in and out of consciousness.

I think mum dad wants me and my sister to be with her when she dies, but I can't bare to see her like that. I can't stop crying and i'm in floods of tears all the time but can't stop myself. I have not slept in days and to make things worse i'm pregnant and due in eight weeks.

Will I regret it forever if i'm not there? I am not someone who shows my feelings easily and I don't think I have ever told my mum that I love her. I wanted to today but she kept drifting off and didn't know what I was saying. I have left everything to late, I wanted her to know that I am having a baby boy but she was too confused to understand.

[bundle]

oh alfiesmum, i'm so sorry

most people say they were glad they were there at the end, but everyone handles this differently. hope someone else has better advice for you, x

[stitch]

spend as much time with your mom as you can. let her know you love her. i am so sorry for you, and your family. hope she doesnt suffer too much pain.
and hugs.

[fairyfly]

Tell her you love her while you can or you will think you should have for the rest of your life.
I'm so very sorry for you.

[jessicaandbumpsmummy]

Im so sorry to hear this and big hugs for you.

My mum collapsed at home last summer (aged 47) and by the time we all made it to the hospital, it was basically time to turn the machines off and let her go. I couldnt bear to see her like that, and chose not to see her. My dad sat with her while they turned the machines off and once all the tubes etc had been removed my brother went in to say "goodbye". I couldnt do it. Jessica was exactly 2 weeks old and I wanted to remember her the way she was. I dont regret my decision in the slightest, but do sit and wonder what she looked like that night and whether she would have been upset with me for not going in to say "goodbye".

It is such a personal choice, and you have to do what you feel is right and not be pushed into anything by your other family members. Luckily my brother and dad totally understood that i couldnt see mum like that, but i know some families wouldnt be so good.

Sorry if this is such a ramble, and if i can help in anyway, please let me know x

[Distel]

I don't really have any advice. All I can say is 10 years down the line I am glad I diddn't see my grandad near to death. I can only remember him well. I am so sorry this is happeneing to you .

[tribpot]

So very sorry for you. My grandma died of ovarian cancer some years ago - like your mum, she deteriorated very quickly, which in retrospect I think was probably a blessing.

In your place I would want to be there as much as possible, I think if you keep telling her you're having a boy she will understand. But equally you have to take care of you and your little boy, only do what you feel you can.

[cori]

You poor thing, it is so sad that you have go through this now.
My mother died 15 years ago when I was 19. I wasnt there at the end. TBH i dont think I would have coped, I dont regret it. I dont think I would have coped sitting by her bed waiting for her to die. It has taken me many years to come to terms with her death and its legacy, but that doesnt have anything to do with not being there at the end. I am glad however that I was able to view the body after she did in the funeral parlour

[lou33]

Only you can answer if you will regret not being there, but for me i was glad i was. I stroked her hair and held her hand and told her i loved her, even tho i knew she probably couldn't hear me, and told her not to be afraid.

It was extremely emotional, obviously, but for me it was the right thing to do.

I'm so sorry to read this news, I hope you find a way of coming to terms with this over time.

[puff]

alfiesmum, I'm so sorry you are going through this .

As others have said, this really is your very personal decision, but reading between the lines of your post, I get the feeling that you do want to be there and tell her how much you love her.

Thinking of you.

Puff xx

[Lonelymum]

If I were you, I would go and tell her you love her and tell her about her new grandson, whether or not she appears to understand you or hear you. You never know what may get through to her and you will feel better later on that you siad it.

I am so sorry for your situation.

[Flossam]

Oh AM, how horrible for you. Can you try and think about it the other way round? Do you think she would like you there? If yes, then perhaps you might be able to overcome some of your misgivings about the situation as you are doing it for her. IME patients often 'hold on' to die alone/with family. It can be most strange.

I would say though, go and tell her you love her. Even is she is drowsy and even unconcious. None of us really know how much is understood in these states, and you will be so much more at rest within yourself to be able to tell your lovely mum this too. Tell her you are having a baby boy. Discuss with her what you might like to call him. If you have to repeat it all when she is more lucid, repeat it.

I looked after a lovely lady recently who wasn't able to communicate (temporarily) with anyone. Her family came in and she had the most lovely granddaughter. She chatted away so freely to her Grandma, telling her about her day, her plans what other people were up to, how her garden was doing... It was by no means certain this lady would ever get home and I was so touched.

It's hard to talk to relatives when they are as you mother is. But this will, unfortunately be your last chance to talk to her and be with her before she passess away. I think you should try and overcome your fears. Cry, as much as you want. Cry in front of her. She will know you care. Perhaps if you feel you are doing all you can with her, you will sleep more peacefully. I think it sounds like you are battling within yourself atm.

This is all my opinion and I really hope I don't cause offence. As you are pregnant, you need to do what any relative of an ill person needs to do, take care of you, extra special care for you! If you're feeling well cared for, you'll be much better able to care for mum and offer more of yourself. I hope that makes sense.

I am so sorry for this at what should be such a happy joyous time.

How far away is she?

[jampots]

i agree with what hte others have said alfiesmum.

The night my mum died she asked me to stay a while longer. Ds was 1 the next day and Id been at work all day and was run ragged. I stayed as late as I could but eventually went home about 11pm and cried all the way home through emotions, exhaustion etc. About 1am we got a phone call to get back to the hospital and she died about 10 mins before just into ds's first birthday.

I hope you do what you feel best for you and that your mum suffers no pain

[clary]

alfiesmum I am so so sorry about this.
It is worth telling your mum you love her, please do it if you feel you can and want to.
But don't feel you have to be there at the end. It's how we are to people we love while they are here and livign that matters, not who was there when they knew nothign about it.
My father died at 59 and although my mum tried to contact me on the last day, she couldn't get hold of me (in the days before mobiles) but TBH I am not sorry I didn't see him go.
The memories that matter are the ones when he was happy and caring and there for me. And he is not forgotten, so he will never really be gone.
hth
Cxx

[Springchicken]

Oh Alfiesmum, I'm so sorry

Only you can decide if you want to be there or not. My Grandad, whom I was incredibly close to, died in April. We all knew it was a matter of days so when my mum told me he was having a good day i decided to go and visit him (prior to visiting him every single day), say goodbye, tell him i loved him. i took DD with me (she was only 9 months so didn't knew anything and he was so pleased she was there.
I can honestly say it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do as the 3 days afterwards, it was totally gutwrenching not going to see him, i thought maybe I should make the most of his time left, he died on the 4th day, and I am so glad I had already said my goodbyes and loves you. I don't regret it for one minute.
My mum and dad were with him when he died and they were the best people to be imho.

Whatever you decide, do what is best for you.
Thinking of you x

[SherlockLGJ]

When my MIL started to fail, (Bone Cancer) we had a call at 5 in the morning, MY DH was in Dublin on business and thankfully staying at my parents house. I rang the house, my DDad took DH to the airport, and he took the first available flight.

MIL was dropping like a stone, but we kept her informed of every step of DH's journey.

X has left Dublin

X has touched down in Stansted

X has been picked up and is on the M11

X is on the M25

X is 10 miles away

X has just pulled up


DH came in and kissed his mother, told her that it was Ok he was there and that he loved her. Not something they ever said to each other. She died 20 minutes later.

I truly believe that she held on for him, and that she could hear right up until the last minute.


If you feel you have the strength, I would reccommend going to see her and whispering in her ear as you leave, how much you love her.


HTH

[Flossam]

The reason I asked how close she was is because if its feasable and it's important to you to tell her you love her, perhaps you should pop back there and tell her tonight. Don't want to sound dramatic.

[bundle]

hearing is the last sense to go, I think

[Flossam]

bump.

[WideWebWitch]

I was there when my father died and I can honestly say it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. But I am glad I was there because he didn't want us to leave him alone. He kept saying, when he could still speak, that it meant so much that we were all there all the time and could hold his hand. I think it must be very lonely, dying. While only you can decide whether or not to be there, I do think you should tell her you love her, definitely. I am sorry, it's very very hard, I know.

[zippitippitoes]

I found this thread very emotional to read, I tried posting on it earlier but dissolved in tears.

Alfiesmum, there is no answer as such...follow your own feelings and you will be doing the right thing

I wasn't with either of my parents when they died, my mother was in hospital and I had gone away for the night..one of my brothers was with her at the end but I went with the rest of my family to see her at rest shortly after she died. It just wasn't possible to be with her all the time in the final days. I did find it harder at the end because saying I love you felt like telling her it was the end...

My father died as a result of an accident and he was in a coma for four days and never recovered consciousness. I never went to see him in hospital as I wanted to remember him as I'd known him, he was only 48. I never saw him at all following his accident, I don't regret it but I did and still do find it hard to come to terms with the loss.

Take care of yourself, and try to sleep, you can't be with your mother all the time but if you can tell her about the baby and your love for her take the opportunity but if it doesn't come naturally it doesn't mean you love her any less. We are all different.


Thinking of you and your family
xxx

[jamiesam]

I'm so, so sorry alfiesmum. I wish that I could somehow send you some strength to do this. It is going to be very hard, but you can do it.

My mum died when she was 55, 18 years ago. I can hardly believe that she's been dead nearly as long as I knew her - I was 19 when she died. She had a massive stroke and there was nothing anyone could do. We sat with her and talked to her until everyone got to the hospital (my big brother had to fly back from Germany) although we knew that she couldn't hear. Then everything was switched off and she died.

You'll never really know what your mum can hear - whether she could maybe hear that it's you even if she couldn't hear the words. If you do have time to tell her you love her, you'll never know if she heard. But to be honest, I know that she knows you love her - all mothers do really don't they.

Sorry, I can't type much more because I'm crying so much. I do feel for you so much, I hope you can do this.

[carriemumsnet]

I too am in bits reading this. My mum died at 50 from breast cancer. I do believe that hearing is the last thing to go so don't be put off telling her everything you want to tell her. Everyone is different. When we knew my mum would die in the next 48 hours they they kept telling us to go home and get some rest. I couldn't imagine leaving her and didn't - for my sake not hers - but my dad and sister did go home although we were all there at the end. Your mum's probably on a lot of morphine which does make communication difficult but my mum did have moments of lucidity right up the the end and I'm glad I was there to catch the last few things she said.

So don't feel bad if you can't be there all the time, but I would say for your sake at least as much as hers do spend some time and just talk - tell her about the baby and make sure that you tell your dad to tell her again if she has a lucid moment. The thing about good mothers is they always worry about their children and want the best for them even if they're dying (my mother's last words to me were - it's worse for you - ) so whatever happens know that she wouldn't want you to make yourself ill and she would want you to do whatever you think is best for you and the baby. Your dad may want one of you there with him at the end for his sake as much as yours or your mum's and if you sister feels more up to it than you maybe she could take the longers shifts.

Sorry I'm rambling. But my heart goes out to you and your family
xxx

[dejags]

My thoughts are with you are your mum, Alfiesmum.

God bless you both.