Wow, cory, good point!
<hides in bunker with small DCs hoping to keep teenage years at bay>

i agree with cory even if she does sound like she just swallowed 'how to talk'!

I used an approach very similar to bonkerz when they were little. Now that they are older, I would try to probe a bit deeper to see what they really mean.

When dd (13) said it to me the other day, it turned out that there was a massive problem underneath which is going to need a lot of help from all sorts of adults. So in her case "I hate you" it didn't mean that she hates me; it meant "I hate the fact that you haven't seen that I'm not coping and come to my help". Having a tone in the house where she wouldn't dare to speak like that to me, like ItsAllABitNoisy, might have been very, very dangerous in her case.

Otoh if it was just a bad habit they'd got into, I might respond with a "yes dear, quite".

I use the same line as bonkerz. Sometimes I add that I love him/her soooo much I have plenty of love for both of us. (mostly hear it from DD, though... DS is a real softie)

I have a 9 year old, and I really don't know what I would do if she said she hated me.

Not very helpful I know, but she just wouldn't dare. Ever.

I get this from ds at his tender age of four. My favourite responce " of course you do. Just wait till your a teenager and you'll really hate me" other responses "you're entitled to your opinion. I am not changing my mind"
"go hate me from your bedroom"
"nice of you to share that with the whole street. do you feel better"
"ok if you hate me so much would you like to cook your own tea, wash and fold your clothes, and buy all your own treats and clothes from your pocket money"

Basically anything that recognises his frustration and shows no emotion in its response. Anything nice like I love you would send him into a complete meltdown. so you will have to try what you feel is best and see what works.

drat. i should have used new-fangled biccie face.

well that is what you should do lms. could you resemble the biscuit in expression?

try not to get wound up by it, what will happen when she is 13 eek.

Don't ever tell her you hate her too.
She doesn't have the same understanding as an adult, and she will believe you mean it.

When I used to say this to my mom, she would shout back 'And I love you!' But in tone as agressive as mine.

I'd do something like this, or try to ignore it. She doesn't mean it, she doesn't understand what it means.

I just say 'So?'

Do not say - I hate you back, please ever they may think deep sdown you actually mean it...

Please ignore it or say quitely its really not a nice thing to say, even in an argument.