i KNOW im being unreasonable but i cant cope with my three year old.

[nightowl]

she's like a tornado. she wrecks my house and cannot leave anything alone. she's constantly climbing, falling, touching things she's not supposed to, rooting through cupboards, throwing things around. she tantrums at anything and everything (always has done), is generally difficult. even when playing she screams at the top of her lungs all the time. i really needed to get some papers sorted out today, i'm in deep trouble with money, council etc etc which i am trying so hard to sort out. dd and ds went to play upstairs, i don't usually let them do this for more than half an hour but i was desperate to get things sorted out and if i do it while she's downstairs she grabs my papers, runs off with them, tears them to pieces etc etc. when i went to put her to bed, her bedroom floor was full of clothes. she had taken every item of clothing she possesses and thrown them around the room, (room is tiny, around 7 by 7 so floor completely covered), yet again. yesterday she ripped all her books to bits. i am so tired of this. dont tell me this is normal and i have to just put up with it because my ds never did any of these things. im really beginning to struggle. i dont know what to do with her. she cannot leave anything alone.

[steinermum]

So so sorry for you, Nightowl. You must be at the end of your tether. Her behaviour does sound extreme and you are NOT being unreasonable to find it so! Do you have any idea why she is so different to your DS?

[pucca]

Nightowl...I feel your pain

My dd (was 3 in Jan) is also a complete nightmare atm, hitting and kicking her 8 mth old brother for no reason, completely defiant with everything, laughs at me if i tell her off, i have even smacked her bum (not hard) in desperation of trying to gain some control...she laughed!

I think it is just a phase (well i hope) and a test of wills tbh, i love my dd to bits, but i don't particularly like her much atm i know it is terrible to say that and feel awful most of the time, because all i feel i do atm is tell her off.

[fatbottomedgirl]

i wish i could add something helpful, just know, we are all there with you. don't lose your temper, be firm, she is a child and you are the grown up- she will learn eventually- does she behave like this at nursery, or at playgroup?

[nightowl]

i think sometimes ive been overprotective of her or maybe... oh i just dont know but its only been the last few weeks that the stairgate has been left open (we have wooden stairs, its a hard fall, have done it myself!). i thought i would give her a little trust, she's now allowed to go upstairs to get things..not usually to play but like i said, i did let them play up there today. her brother is 9 1/2 and usually all they do is fight so it was nice in a way that they wanted to spend some time together.

she's been difficult since day one (ok, i know a baby cant deliberately be difficult but ds was a breeze to look after compared to her). she's always had fantastic tantrums but now it's not so much that. she goes into the fridge, gets food out and drags it around the floor, she tries to order me about and yells at me, she throws things, she kicks the doors, she tears things apart.

i dont know where im going so wrong, ive brought up both dd and ds on my own more or less (ds was 1 1/2 when i split with his dad, dd has never met hers). i have no idea why they are so different but they certainly are. ds is very placid, he's a good boy and 99% of the time he knows his manners, he's helpful, sensitive and kind. dd is like a bull in a china shop!

[steinermum]

Would you consider having her assessed (could be arranged through your HV), so that you could see whether she really has problems or, for example, she might be extremely bright and is just frustrated. A psychologist might also be able to give you some strategies for handling her.

Try to keep your surroundings as simple as possible and have a nice play area just for her with things she likes. Try to reduce her access to all the things to which you have to say 'no' and ask her to help you as much as possible so that you have moments where you can really praise her.

[nightowl]

thanks steinermum too, its a great idea but our house isnt the biggest and its virtually impossible to keep everything away from her!

[Mumfun]

Hi

So sorry you are having this. Am having different problems with DS atm but just know its hard - especially on your own as I am in week.

Nothing really to suggest - just that it can help if someone else looks at your situation with you and can take a step back and suggest things. Is there any experienced mum friend who could suggest anything. Possibly the HV route as previously said. She does sound destructive. Have you thought aboit what she eats - does she eat stuff with colours or e numbers that might affect her or any foods that have a bad effect on her?

Is she the same in all environments or does anything make her behave better?

Im sure someone will be able to suggest more . Hope it gets better

[carameleggsauce]

I have similar probs with ds, who's also 3. Dd(6) was a dream baby but ds has been hard work from day one! I so look forward to his naps - he sleeps for 2hrs every afternoon. I don't suppose your dd goes down for a rest at all, does she?

[MadamePlatypus]

In many ways I sympathise with you - three year olds can be incredibly frustrating. (see my thread re: hitting). However, these are the things that help me.

1. Remember that although your 3 year old may sound all grown up, alot of their adult speech is 'parroted' and they still find the world a very confusing place. Your 3 year old also thinks they are very grown up, but really is still very much struggling to make sense of the world. My 3 year old can sound like an 11 year old and thinks he is a 'big boy', and I have to remind myself that he is less than 3 years older than my 5 month old. (I think that teenagers and three year olds have alot in common).
   
   
2. Expect good behaviour. Sometimes this requires alot of faith, but when it works it is great. Also, set your 3 year old up for good behaviour, e.g. helping you put washing in washing machine, helping to sweep floor. Treat them like they are a good child. My 3 year old's nursery teacher is great at this. She uses the same techniques on the parents (I know you are good at x so you will want to do y), and that works too!
   
   
3. I am a great believer in natural consequences. E.g. throwing clothes on floor means clothes are removed because 'dirty' therefore she has to wear what you choose - something she doesn't like? - No shouting, no punishment, she just has to learn why throwing her clothes around is a bad idea.
   
   Anyway, hope some of that helps, but the main thing is YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MUM! You are doing a very tough job and its not surprising you feel frustrated and in need of a break. It sounds like there is nothing wrong that a fortnights holiday in the Maldives with 24 hour nanny service wouldn't solve, but in the meantime remember you are doing a very difficult job - hooray for you!

[princessmelTingChoccyEggs]

Hi nightowl,

I had some really tough times with ds when he was 3. It was hard and I posted on here about it. Luckily he wasn't violent but he was 'challenging' as my neighbour put it!

I've not got any new advice really.

I just did the usual things. I was consistent with my disapline and always followed things through. eg 'if this happens again then no xxx' and I stuck to it. Even though the strops could go on for 40 mins.

I prasied the good behavior and gave lots cuddles. It was difficult because when dd was asleep and I wanted to have 'me' time, I knew I should spend it with ds giving him the mummy attention he wanted. Even though as he'd been so awful it was the last thing I wanted to do.
Also I tried to fit in 1-1 time. Just us. If possible on the weekends dh would have dd and we'd go to the cinema. That really seemed to help. Or sometimes just the shops/town just us together.

We did get some remedies from the homeopath which I believe helped him to be calmer.

He's 4 now and loads better. I hope some of this helps. xxxx

[hebetalbot]

Hi nightowl, I know exactly how you feel. My DD is 3.3yrs old and is so much more challanging now than when she was 2yrs. Alot of the advice already posted is good advice. The only other thing I can suggest is a reward chart. If DD gets 7 stickers for listening (that is the main issue with her) then she is allowed to choose a 'prize' from the prize box. We have put the box in a place where she can see it but not get to it. We then try and praise good behaviour and remind her how many more stickers she needs to get before she can choose. We have also enrolled the help of her nursery and pre-school to reward good behaviour whilst there and this also goes towards her tally for winning a prize. It has not changed anything over night - the last prize she got was 10 days ago but the message is slowly getting through. I am sorry for you but please remember that you are not alone! This is my very first post so I hope i've done it right! Good luck.

[MellowMa]

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[hebetalbot]

What is it with 3yr olds and ripping paper? My DD will sit on the sofa with sissors paper and cellotape and just obbessively cut and stick! It keeps her quiet for five minutes so I just let her get on with it grin.

[MellowMa]

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[hebetalbot]

She loves water. Have to put water in her toy kitchen with washing up liquid to do the washing up. However it very quickley degenerates in filling many recepticles and the foam becomes egg that you have to pretend to eat! Fortunately she goes to nursery so the choas is just limited to one full day during the week!!

[MellowMa]

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[hebetalbot]

Mine does 2 days a week plus two mornings. Gives me time with 9 months DS and time to catch up!!

[JodieG1]

My ds1 is the same. He shouts a lot, screams when he plays, has started hitting dd, went through a phase of climbing up cupboards in the kitchen and getting chocolate out at about 4-5am every day, goes in the fridge, puts toothpaste all over the sink in the morning, he also empties all his clothes from his wardrobe onto the floor, pulls all his toys out of boxes in his room (just tidied it all up again this weekend), and many other things too. I just try and accept that that's his personality, I do love the way he's so lively and boisterous and he is very confident and outgoing. I conentrate on his good points and gradually it's helping. He needs to get out every day for a good run really lol but haven't been able to recently as the kids have all been ill. The difference is marked when he's stuck indoors. Now the weather is better the garden is great for him. I also think natural consequence is far better than punishing, we don't smack and try not to shout here and no punishments as such.

[Socci]

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[JodieG1]

We've actually been wondering is ds1 had adhd and am going to speak with the gp or hv about him as he's on the go constantly no matter what we do. When we're out he runs away, seems to have a hard time listening and is very hyper. If we go out a lot he is slightly better but is still very up all the time.

[MellowMa]

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