DS, 6, doesnt play with anyone at playtime.

[bunny3]

My ds in yr 2 has come home from school for the last month or two saying he spends each playtime sitting on his own. He says this every day and I have checked with his teacher who verifies this. I have tried to discuss this with ds many times and I get different answers each time ie "I'm too tired", "I'm too cold", "the games are too babyish" etc. He also avoids ay extra-curricular activities and wont even go to the park after school. He seems to have opted out of playing with his peers and I dont understand why.

The school dont seem to have done alot to help and we are seeing his teacher this evening to discuss it.

Any ideas???

[Twiglett]

is he happy sitting by himself?

does he have friends? do you have playdates? could you arrange some?

[slowreader]

Would he be allowed to take in toys that would encourage him to play and other children to join him, eg a new football, little cars etc? Sometimes our lunch time staff organise playground games and this helps the quiet ones too.

[bunny3]

hi Twiglett, how are you?

Ok, this is what I cant work out. He has friends over for tea and is invited to tea at other houses too. He is also invited to parties (ofter when many other boys in his class have NOT received an invite)so I suppose he must have some friends. I dont know if he is genuinely a loner who enjoys his own company or if he finds the playground environment overwhelming.

[bunny3]

slowreader, all the boys in his class love football but he wont join in. If he did I am sure he would enjoy himself. I think he finds it intimidating and the school seems to have done very little. I have never heard of the lunchtime staff trying to organise anything. I wish they would.

[slowreader]

Do they have a playground 'buddy' scheme? Class 6 children playing with younger ones- organising games eg tig, goal shooting? Both primary schools my children went to/go to do that? My son was just the same at 6 about football, said he was rubbish (true) and didn't dare try. I used to hate to think of him at playtime- he used to plod gloomily around. However lunchtime staff did help, and so did the 6 new football sized sponge balls I donated to the school- sometimes bribery does work.

[admylin]

My ds is 8 now but he sat by himself by choice for along time, he would sometimes take a book out to read, other times he would just walk around. He never liked football either which is why he didn't join in. It's only been in the last few months that he has started to play with the other boys in his class.He evn plays football now and then. Maybe your ds just needs time to find some boys he really likes. My ds always said he didn't join in because they played stupid stuff or were too cheeky but he's slowly coming around and joining in and having a laugh.

[DumbledoresGirl]

God, have I been here before with my two sons! If they don't like football, that sometimes seems to put a complete stop on relationships. I struggle very hard with that concept.

If it helps at all, my ds1 had no-one to play with at all until he was in Year 3, and then only one boy. The we moved when he was half way through Year 4 and in the new school, he was quickly accepted by a group of boys and now (Year 6) has regular friends - about 6 in all which is plenty IMO. The don't play football at all (or if they do, I don't hear about it). They have other things in common - mainly gameboy and computer games.

Ds2, OTOH, was very popular in the first school, moved half way through Year 2 and has been lonely ever since (now in Year 4). It is not that he has no-one to play with, but the relationships come and go. Perhaps it is normal for some boys to take a few years to work out their relationships?

[MorocconOil]

My DS year 2's group of friends seems to be dwindling as the boys are spending more and more time playing football. It seems hard for them to suddenly break into playing football in the playground as the ones who have been playing for a while have much better skills, and get annoyed with those who aren't as good. I am not keen on boys being obsessed by football, but do think after a certain age boys who can't play at all get a bit left out. I have found a 2 day football course at easter and my ds seems keen to go on it.

[alison222]

My DS too hates football and so is often to be found alone at playtimes with his class. Although at lunctime when all the infants are out he plays more with others he knows.
I think it can be really hard if your DS just doesn't like the games the others are playing. Unless you have a really dominant personality it can be difficult to persuade them to playing something different that you would like to.
How is he when he has friends back from school - just so you have something to compare it to when you see the teacher.
Good luck for this evening

[3monkeys]

My DS1 also in year 2, has had me worried sick for years! He took ages to make any friends at all when in reception, now he has a group of 3 friends but will NOT play with anyone else! He loves footbal and plays 3 times a week out of school and all the time at home but won't play at school

What worries me is that he never gets invited to his friends' houses for tea, and I worry that he's been awful before, or they don't want to invite him. And we never get party invites either. So at least you have some reassurance there that he is wanted at things. Hope school helped last night

[MorocconOil]

This all sounds familiar. My ds doesn't get many invites to parties either. They don't seem to be many at his school, although he wasn't invited to one all his group of friends were and it was really upsetting for him and me. DH couldn't see what all the fuss was about. I tried not to be bothered but couldn't stop wondering what exactly he had 'done' to be excluded.

It's reassuring to find that it is quite common. Maybe it's just part of being a 7 year old boy??Or a certain kind of 7 year old boy.

[beckybrastraps]

Ds went through this. He wanted to play witht eh others, but only if they played what he wanted to play. And I explained about compromise, turn-taking etc, but no dice.

So I sent him to football club, to learn the rules and what have you (Dh utterly useless in this respect, as am I). And now he plays football if no-one wants to play his game, and his game if he gets takers. He seems happier.

But he doesn seem to spend all his non-football times with the girls...

[twelveyeargap]

Is your son quite mature? DD went through this around age 8 and 9. She jsut found the other kids boring and when she tried to make an effort to get on with them, I think they saw through her. She eventually found a good friend when her year group was split with the year below and they've been friends ever since.

It makes you feel so sad to think of them being lonely. I expect it's a phase though. I did speak to DD and for example, when she said, "So and so is SO babyish, she said x to me." It transpired she responded to this other girl in a very derisory way and although I would have wanted to react in the same way, I had to tell her that she wasn't doing herself any favours by acting superior to them. It seemed to help. Not suggesting that your son is "bringing this on himself", please don't think that. I just mean that sometimes kids need some guidance in how to interact with other kids, particularly in tricky situations.

Think suggesting the school introduce a buddy system would be a good idea. DD found it great, because she in fact, was a buddy to the smaller children and I think it gave her some perspective.

[MorocconOil]

I have heard my son talking to others in a derisory way. When I hear it I challenge him about it, but what about all those times I am not there at school etc. Has anyone any ideas for managing it? Just talking about it doesn't seem to have worked yet and I have thrown him into situations like beavers, football training to see if that will cure it, but he 's still doing it.

[LucyJu]

I think at this age, for a lot of boys, football is a key to making friends. I appreciate that it might not be what your son enjoys especially, but might it be an idea to see if he can do a bit of football training/join a club so that he can become at least an adequate player? As far as making friends is concerned, it could stand him in good stead for years to come (many boys go on playing socially into their 20s and 30s). Won't do his general health and fitness any harm, either.

That aside, this reluctance to do anything ... does he seem generally happy? Or is there a possibility that he might be a bit depressed? (Can happen to young children too, sometimes for no apparent reason.)

I have a 6 year old dd, and we have phases where she feels she has no friends. Funnily enough, I often think how much easier this friendship business must be for boys, with the international language of football. Not so easy, perhaps, for boys who don't enjoy it. Still, at least you don't have the business of who's best friends with whom to deal with .

[twelveyeargap]

Mimizan, with DD, I tried to think of a comparable situation that I might have at work. Explained how frustrating I found it when people treated me like I was stupid, or how rude it was when they talked down to me. When she saw how I felt about it (quite strongly!), she realised that she was making the other kids feel that way. Also told her about times that my boss maybe was being really, really dim and annoying and how tempting it is to make a fool of him, but how obviously inappropriate it is.

She found it hard to grasp how the kids felt, but once I'd put it into an adult context, she got it straight away.

[Notquitegrownup]

Oh I have been here with my ds1 too. Fortunately he does like football (and collecting those football cards, which gives them lots to talk to each other about) but like other children mentioned here, he is intelligent, (and competetive- ugh!) and likes them to play on his terms, so at times even football falls apart.

A while ago, we enrolled him in a Karate class. I know that they vary from place to place, but we have been very pleased with the extra confidence and discipline it offers him. Our club do advertise the fact that it can be benficial in helping socialisation, and certainly a number of the students there seem quietly confident, as well as enjoying the games/activities.

Just thought I would mention it.

[Flowertop]

Yes we have most definitely had the same issues with DS1. I found that in the beginning Recep/yr1/yr2 I would worry myself silly as he was always alone in the playground. I have many threads on MN to prove it. I decided to just let it go and take my lead from him. He never said he was unhappy on his own (I assumed)and would often say that he didn't want to play with anyone as their games were boring/too rough/something else. Now I am much happier and more relaxed and I have noticed that he does interact more with his peers (year3). I tried the play dates thing and we all ended up unhappy me/the playdate/DS1. In all the time he has been at school not once has he asked for someone to come home but he is not unhappy. I have decided that when he is unhappy that is when I worry. I also think these kids are not followers of the crowd and want to do their own thing which does please me in a way.

[3monkeys]

I am glad you said that about playdates flowertop. That worries me the most I think, that he is left out of things like that, even by his good friends. But DS1 doesn't really ask and I find them too stressful!

[MorocconOil]

Thanks twelveyeargap, had an incident after school today when I used your some of your ideas. He really listened when I related it to my old workplace( am a SAHM now).

How did you get on at school bunny?

[tigerlily1980]

I have just written a very similar post on here about my 4 year old son. My son likes older boys, and is struggling at his nursery, often complaining that the other children are too babyish/ silly/ rough. He regards the teachers as his best friends. His teacher says that he is happy enough, but recently he has seemed very withdrawn.

The problem seems amplified because his twins sister is the most popular child in the class.

The advice on here has been great. And reassuring to know that it will sort itself out as he gets older. Being a martal artist myself I was definitely going to get him into Karate in a few years time, so hopefully that will help.

[Flowertop]

Oh yes forgot to mention DS1 has also been doing karate for the past 6 months and I do believe it has helped his confidence.
XX

[fatbottomedgirl]

myson has a friend at nursery school, he adores this friend, but recently this friend has started making more friends, and now my son is suffering from terrible jealousy. for my son, and as if this is some sort of slur against methe teachers and i have been trying to encourage him to make more friends, and to play with other children, but he just says that he wants his old friend back. i would like to invite a"new" ffriwnd to our house to play but i have recently discovered that another birthday party has happened and yet again my son wasn't invited- hes been at that nursery fro 2 years and has never been invited to anything. i feel so bad for my son, and as if i'm not accepted either. it's really knocking my confidence, my husband doesn't inderstand. is parenting always going to feel this llonely.