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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

3 yr old ds chucked out of nursery?

45 replies

sauce · 22/02/2007 19:25

Ds' behavior is so appalling at school (& at home) that I think he's close to being "asked to leave". I've hesitated to write on MN about it, thinking it would resolve itself but things are getting serious. Yesterday he kicked one of his classmates & threw a tantrum. He was sent to the headmistress (why he was sent to her I don't know - because he was disrupting the class?)for a ticking off. Today he pooed his pants, threw a massive tantrum & screamed abuse at his teacher. What should I do? He's only 3.5, fgs!

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littlerach · 22/02/2007 19:36

You needt o speak to his key worker and find out what they are doing to help him. And you need to tell them what you do at home to calm him down.
It is v rare, if at all, that a child would be aske dto leave pre school.

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juuule · 22/02/2007 19:39

Was he like this before he started nursery? In not and if it isn't necessary for him to go to nursery I would keep him at home. Maybe a few months at home before starting school would make a difference. While he is at home with you, you could resolve whatever problems he seems to be having.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/02/2007 19:41

They need to be working closely with you to resolve this. Not sure how a "ticking off" from the Headmistress would have an effect on him tbh....need more details from you.

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Heavenis · 22/02/2007 19:42

What does he do that is 'appalling'. What are the consequences for his behaviour ?

Have you talked to nursery about what is going on ?

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cat64 · 22/02/2007 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sauce · 22/02/2007 19:55

Good points, all relevant. He's been a bit of a handful since he was born; lots of screaming "fits" - terrible temper & wild rages. I had to have help caring for him. I just couldn't cope all the time. He doesn't have any behaviorial disorders as such, or so we've been told. Just a very strong will.

Dd is in a private school & to get a place for ds, he had to be registered for this school year. He's been doing well, seeming happy until recently. I think he has decided he hates his teacher (there were 2 but one of them left at Xmas to have a baby). She has decided to send him home each day with a little book round his neck with comments on his behavior. This is how I know what's going on. I'm not pleased with this arrangement but don't know what else to do.

At home, he is sent to his room to calm down for about 10 minutes.

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morningpaper · 22/02/2007 19:58

A book round his neck? That makes him sound a bit like cattle

I think it needs a joined-up approach!

What kind of abuse does he shout?

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sauce · 22/02/2007 20:00

caca! caca-brouchie!(his own word) You are caca. I hate you. I don't care.

Also shouts bloody hell. That's my fault.

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Heavenis · 22/02/2007 20:05

Have you been in to discuss a way forward for your son.

Sending him home with a book around his neck is a bit repressive.

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tiredandgrumpy · 22/02/2007 20:07

Isn't 'caca' French for 's**t'? Are there any French kids in his class, by any chance?

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tigermoth · 22/02/2007 20:10

The book round his neck thing sounds really odd and a bit dangerous on the health and safety front. What is the point of putting it round his neck and not in a book bag or giving it to you or whoever collects him?

I think a 'behaviour book' can work well - my ds had one of these when he was at school. However it worked because it was backed up by regular talks between me and the teacher.

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sauce · 22/02/2007 20:16

Dc are in a French-speaking school so quite normal for him to yell caca rather than sh*t. The book does seem repressive, doesn't it? His teacher seems over-worked & stressed out (no surprise there) & I guess the next step will be to arrange a meeting - groan. They're on hols next week which is a mixed blessing. I hope I'll survive.

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mummymagic · 22/02/2007 20:31

Hey there, you have my sympathies. Have you any ideas what triggers his behaviour? It sounds very extreme (could it be a reaction to something - don';t mean to scare you).

The school do not sound like they know what to do, if you send him to a state school they have lots of strategies and HAVE to keep them (is v hard to get students excluded especially for general bad behaviour). Is it worth considering? This is what worked for my dp's sister who got kicked out of two private schools (she is extremely bright but a real handful)
but thrived in a state school who HAD to deal with her...

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sauce · 22/02/2007 20:36

funny - the "state" school rang up today & asked me to register ds at the local school. I was tempted!

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sauce · 22/02/2007 20:37

A reaction? You mean an allergic reaction?

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mummymagic · 22/02/2007 20:42

No, I meant a psychological reaction. Most likely it isn't, but behaviour like this is can sometimes be a symptom of a trauma of some kind...

(I teach excluded secondary kids - lots with horrible stories - so this is why it occurs to me, it is just a thought and probably not the case for your boy but might be worth chatting to him and seeing if there is anything that is upsetting him?)

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sauce · 22/02/2007 20:44

TRAUMA?! What sort of trauma? eeek.

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mummymagic · 22/02/2007 20:54

Oh no, I didn't mean to freak you out. I deal with seriously f*&ked up kiddies so my idea of normality is a bit skewed. And I have just re-read that he has been 'tantrum-y' from birth so unlikely to be a recent traumatic event

You mentioned him being unhappy with a new teacher, so perhaps this is triggering him . Might be worth a chat anyway?

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sauce · 22/02/2007 20:58

I secretly agree with ds - she's a right cow but I couldn't do her job, no how, no way!

It's a relief to have talked about this, even if I don't have an answer.

Dh keeps muttering about borstal & Wormwood Scrubs.

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therealcontrolfreakydave · 22/02/2007 21:09

is he getting any POSITIVE attention for good behaviour..... sounds (perhaps wrongly?) that there's a lot of focus on his bad / difficult behaviour.... does the book tell you what good things he's done that day or just list all the negatives?? if so is enough to make anyone behave badly..... you must speak fully and properly with his nursery...... they will be tempted to consider exclusion more perhaps if they feel they cant work with you to addrress these issues. if you feel they are not interested in doing this then maybe this is not the right place for him??

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Heavenis · 22/02/2007 21:14

I think in your position I would be going into school. Why a 3.5 yr old needs to be seen by the headteacher I don't know. I think the heavy handed approach is doing him more harm than good.

It doesn't sound as if his teacher is coping very well.

What about reward charts at home,do you think he would respond to them ?

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sauce · 22/02/2007 21:21

controlfreakydave - in all fairness, the positive is mentioned equally but now I think the negative is taking over. Especially when teacher is fed up to the back teeth with some (perceived) little brat who wreaks havoc. There are 17 3-yr-olds in his class & only one teacher atm. Understaffed certainly.

I punished him today by sending him to his room for half an hour as soon as we got home from school. He fell asleep, poor little sausage. I had trouble waking him & so carried him down to the kitchen where he promptly laid down on the floor with his thumb in his mouth. I laid down beside him & gave him a cuddle. At dinner, he refused to eat (granted, it was spinach & mushroom lasagna, not a dish most 3-yr-olds would like!) & then had another tantrum when he wasn't allowed to have anything else.

I'm worried.

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therealcontrolfreakydave · 22/02/2007 21:32

well give him something he'll eat then! . can understand you must be worried. what professional input has he had in past? has he been referred to camhs? seen a psychologist? anything like that?

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sauce · 22/02/2007 21:40

guilt, guilt! I sent him to bed without anything else but dh gave him a glass of milk. I never imagined that being a parent could be so difficult. I have the feeling that any mistake I make could affect my dc for the rest of their lives, like ripples in water after throwing a stone in a pond! Maybe I should go to bed.

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mummymagic · 22/02/2007 21:48

I would seriously consider the local school instead - they should be well used to 'challenging' kiddies (gosh, he is only a babby really!) and will know whether/when/if/how to refer to other professionals for help.

Are you paying for this unsatisfactory education? Tbh the 'sending to headteacher' is probably a 'get him safely out of the classroom' but def agree he needs lots of positivity and cuddles as a focus. Soiling yourself (even if only little) and hurling abuse at the teacher is not IMO something merely to be punished but also looked into and prevented...

That 'bad book' sounds v weird and damaging to his self-esteem ("I am a bad boy and this is how bad boys act"). Can you ask them to send home something good he did everyday next week? And maybe try to treat him as if he is the angel boy of your dreams - see if he lives up to it (sorry if that sounds glib)