Can anyone help? is it me?

[mummycan]

I have talked about this on MN before but am still struggling and I wonder if anyone can help. My dd is and has a couple of cousins about the same age. The other two girls see each other alot (their mothers are sisters - I am the SIL). When DD sees either one of the cousins on their own everything is fine - usual girls stuff but they manage to sort it out. However when all three of them are there the other two are awful to her - so much so that the last couple of times we have all been there my dd has been in tears. Same thing happeneed on Saturday night. I spoke to the girls nad asked them why they were so awful to DD - they said they didn't know. I asked them if they thought they were mean to her - they said yes they were. I asked them how they would like it if somebody treated them the way they treat DD - they said they wouldn't like it. I told them I didn't care it they didn't like DD but if they were going to be mean to her that i was going to take her away from them and that they would not be playing with her. They obviously thought about this and after a while came to get DD - so far so good. Then my DD tells me that one of the other girls there was being mean to her as well - wouldn't let her choose anything, let the others do stuff that she wouldn't let DD do.

Now I am starting to wonder if my DD is just one of those children who is not popular with other children - have I made her like this - she is an only child so is probably quite spoilt as day to day she doesn't have to share toys etc but when she has friends over - or just one of the cousins there is no problem, but I am quite a strict mum on behaviour - much more so than my SILs. DD is quite an assertive child - is she just getting other people's backs up - if so how do I help her to modify her beaviour without becoming a pushover or knocking all of the spirit out of her.

If you have managed to read this far thank you. This has been a really hard post for me to write.

[shonaspurtle]

Please don't think this about your dd - or yourself! Little girls in groups are a nightmare. End of.

I don't have dds but am still friends with a few people from when I was a little girl and we still talk about what a nightmare it was sometimes... I was often in the position of your dd, but then I was also often in the position of the cousins! For some reason when you get more than two small girls together they just automatically act out this behaviour.

It will pass. You did absolutely the right thing talking to them. I'm sure others will be able to give you advice on how to help your dd deal with it.

[StrawberrySnowflakes]

my dd is also very grow up in her ways..seems to me that these girls are 'comfortable' with each other and separaratly with you dd, all is fine, but the two of them seem to need to 'prove' that 'THEY' are the bestestest friends and single you dd out..not nice..i know, but IME this happens regulary
i get tired of saying to dd and mindee's to play together..all of them, but two of them always tend to play more with eachother thn one of them..so i spend most of time telling them to let xxx join in..no solution im afraid, but to let you know your not the only one.

[shonaspurtle]

BTW, I'm not condoning the behaviour - it's still bullying, just that it's very typical behaviour and doesn't mean that your daughter is doing anything to cause it.

[mamma2kids]

How old is dd? Is she at school yet, does she have problems with her frineds at school? If not probably just related to being with the cousins. Can you talk to SILs about it? I hate anything like this with DC and friendships as it is so hard to know how much to intervene. But I agree with the others, this is something she will work through (with your support) not a character flaw caused by anything you've done.

[mummycan]

Thank you ladies - she is 6 and in year 2. She has school friends and is always able to play in a group with ante/post natal groups - no problems with cousins on the other side of the family. DH is useless - doesn't see a problem but DD never goes to him about it. He reckons it's just kids - and I can see his point but it gets to the stage where I dread seeing them all together. The other thing that I have noticed is that if one of the cousins is playing with DD the other one is always trying to entice her away so that DD is always left out. I know that I am over reacting somewhat but it breaks my heart and I have not very nice thoughts about these girls - hopefully MN is a place I can safely vent. I get on with both SILs really well but I think it would cause real friction if I brought this up.

What I am worried about is that I have become one of those mothers who is blind to her own child's faults - to te detriment of the child.

Maybe I will have a word with one of my friends in RL as they know me and DD to see if they think I am over reacting or whether they think DD is too much or an unpopular child.

[mamma2kids]

Mummycan - you would know if she was unpopular in general, sounds like she is a perfecly good mixer and the problem is just in this situation. It sounds like sibling rivalry except with cousins. All you can do is try to help her work out ways of dealing with it. Very difficult but I'm sure she hasn't caused it.

[sunnysideup]

I think your dd sounds perfectly normal, and lovely. She is simply the 'third' in a duo which with girls of this age is just an awful place to be. The two girls view her as a threat and a target because she threatens their closeness.

If I were you I really would stop them all seeing each other at once. Go with what works and what doesn't put your dd in a bad position - see them one at a time. Much nicer for all. Don't try and push water uphill, go with what works!

[mummycan]

Hi -it's difficult not to see them as DD loves her cousins and does want to see them - and generally I like family get togethers. Hopefullyy this is phase and will pass very soon.

Thanks everyone