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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

3yo boy fancying girls?!

21 replies

charlieq · 07/02/2007 11:09

I wondered if anyone else with kids this age is noticing a new interest in girls/boys.

My ds is in a mixed nursery class atm. He talks a lot about most of the girls whom he plays with and was saying to me, 'I like Isabel but she won't let me play with her'. I asked was she his favourite girl in the class & he gave an emphatic yes. Why, I asked? 'Because she looks beautiful. But she won't let me play with her.'

Isabel is indeed a very pretty girl (as all the girls in his class are).

Later DH, very amused by this & seeing an opportunity for bloke bonding, asks DS if he prefers blond or dark haired girls!! DS answers decisively 'dark haired!' (Isabel is the only dark haired girl in his class!)

He's 3.7!! Is it something to do with the mythical early testerone surge?

OP posts:

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EnidLloydFoxe · 07/02/2007 11:11

no

you can appreciate beauty without fancying someone

i appreciate the fact that Angelina Jolie is beautiful but I dont want to shag her

charlieq · 07/02/2007 11:20

agree Enid, I was just v. surprised as he has NEVER mentioned anything about anyone's 'beauty' before or shown any sign of differentiating between boys and girls.

It could of course be cultural, result of seeing girls praised for 'looking beautiful' and boys not, etc...

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chipmonkey · 07/02/2007 11:34

I think ds1 has always "fancied" girls ( and I use the term very loosely!) He had a "girlfriend" at 3 and he still says she's his girlfriend now at 10 though he doesn't see her as often. And when he was 6 he developed a crush on our 17 year old babysitter and was upset when he noticed that she was wearing a ring because he thought that meant she was married!

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 07/02/2007 11:36

My nephew was (and is, at the ripe old age of 8) exactly the same, whilst his brother, 18 months younger, is the polar opposite. I think it's just the way they are, it's not conditioning necessarily, as my nephews are too similar in age with an identical upbringing for them to have such differing attitudes towards girls.

chipmonkey · 07/02/2007 11:38

Yes, ds2 on the other hand wanted to know if he could marry his best (male) friend when he grew up. But after asking the question he said
"It's no, isn't it?"

charlieq · 07/02/2007 11:42

oh chip how cute.

Of course the answer will now have to be yes, you can have a civil partnership (am going to one shortly!)
Can't yet see them being too open about that in nurseries though.

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harpsichordcarrier · 07/02/2007 11:46

some boys are interested in girls and vice versa. I think we need to be careful not to overlay it with too much Dark Meaning or antyhing - it is pretty innocent. I help out at preschool quite a lot and there is a fair bit of Friendly Wrestling at the bottom of the climbing frame. there is a boy who is clearly quite sweet on my dd1 and takes any opportunity to hug her...

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 07/02/2007 12:11

Love that expression 'Friendly Wrestling'!

You are very right, we can often imbue the 'dark meaning' to what is just innocent, human behaviour. Just like when little girls put on make up they are not saying 'I want to be a tart', my DD just likes to have pink fingernails (I haven't got them so she hasn't learnt it from me - it's entirely her own preference!)

charlieq · 07/02/2007 13:01

wasn't overlaying Ds's behaviour with any dark meanings at all. If anything it's sweet. Just v. surprised as I really didn't think kids this young would express a preference like that so decisively.

my ref to 'testosterone surges' in 3/4 yo boys is because I have had 2/3 adult friends recently swear blind that this happens to boys at 3 & I don't know where they got that from.

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harpsichordcarrier · 07/02/2007 23:22

Oh sorry charlieq I didn't mean to imply that you were... it's just that some people ime are very reluctant to admit that even small children can take an interest in the opposite sex - which always seems bizarre to me, because I can clearly remember playing kiss/chase and of course the whole doctors and nurses thing
there is certainly a hormonal element to it, sometimes obvious is a rise in aggressive or boisterous tendencies, though of course every child is different.

Frizbe · 07/02/2007 23:31

Phew charlieq, I thought I was going to have to come round and sort out your son then, but its a dark haird girl of the same name as my eldest, so your ok there now

chipmonkey · 08/02/2007 02:20

charlieq, in the book "Raising boys" Stephen Biddulph says that boys get a testosterone surge at 4. Not sure where he gets the info from, though.

Othersideofthechannel · 08/02/2007 09:53

Apparently DH used to enjoy looking up ladies skirts at that age! No sign of it in DS yet, phew.

PrettyCandles · 08/02/2007 09:57

Nothing mythicasl about the testosterone surge! But it generally show itself in an inability to stay still. Ds1 also prefered girls to boys at this age, even at 6 he still likes girls, though has learned to like boys as well since starting school.

Until recently he and dd were going to get married when they grew up (an improvement on a couple of yrears ago, when he was determined to maarry dh eventusally), but now he maintains that he will marry someone whom he didn't know as a child.

Gosh they're lovely.

Aloha · 08/02/2007 09:59

I have never seen any medical studies showing this 'testosterone surge'. I think it is very unlikely.
And re being attracted to beauty, even tiny babies are more attracted to women with pretty faces. Nothing to do with wanting to have sex with them.

Twiglett · 08/02/2007 10:00

am totally uncomfortable with using a sexual term to describe any action a toddler might take

of course children are attracted by beauty .. but its not sexual as we all know

I know this is a very innocent thread and everybody appreciates what's being said

but 'fancying' is a sexual term and should not be used with reference to a toddler

please stop it

charlieq · 08/02/2007 18:02

hmm obviously as the OP I am being told off here for using a 'sexual term'.
But IMHO it is not (necessarily) sexual.

I fancied people of both sexes myself from as early on as I can remember (about 4/5). I did not want to shag them and would not have been able to if I did. Perhaps I am biologically peculiar or had been 'sexualised' too early but I really doubt it.

I think you can read into that word what you want, probably should have put it in apostrophes or something but once I had 'created conversation' didn't know how to

Harpsichordcarrier's post below also seems relevant. Children are not absolute 'innocents'- if anything we impose that upon them. That is not, conversely, to say that we must see them as mini-adults in a relational sense. I'm going no further than this and may delete thread as censoriousness is a real downer imo.

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harpsichordcarrier · 08/02/2007 19:57

no CharlieQ I don't think you are/were anything other than entirely normal. it is normal for even small children to express their attraction to the opposite sex. this isn't imo inappropriate or sexual in any adult sense, but it isn't just simple appreciation of beauty either imo. but that doesn't mean it isn't entirely innocent and rather sweet in its own way.

charlieq · 08/02/2007 20:06

exactly Harpshichordcarrier- my original surprise at DS coming out with this is because it ISN'T simple 'appreciation of beauty'. It is a very strong preference for 1 particular girl in his class which he has never shown before. She is not Helen of Troy or a budding model. And there isn't really a word other than the one I so shamefully used to describe that.
MN won't let me delete the thread, but I wish I hadn't started this now, feel open to be categorised as a perv. Oh well

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Nightynight · 08/02/2007 21:33

charlie, we had a similar thread a couple of years ago, with similar reactions from people who havent witnessed this sort of behaviour in small boys, and a few accounts from people who have. One of my sons did it. No way was it just an appreciation of a good looking person, it was definitely fancying women - he even tried to collect pictures of alluring ladies!
It does exist, imo it is sexual in a VERY innocent sort of way. Anyway, its perfectly normal.

Twiglett · 09/02/2007 22:51

I didn't call you a perv ..and I really don't believe you are .. its an interesting topic to discuss .. I'm sorry you feel censored and uncomfortable

I did say it was inappropriate to use a sexual term to describe the actions of a toddler and I stand by it as the word fancy to me has always meant attracted in a sexual way to someone .. perhaps it has different strengths of interpretation dependant on where one has been brought up?

its not censorious to point out that people should be careful of the terminology they use .. its possibly semantically pedantic though .. and I've always been a pedant .. ask anyone

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