15m old not wanting to leave nusery *sad*

[Jeepers]

Hello. I have a 15m dd who has been attending nursery full time since she was 6m. She a very happy contented wee thing and whilst its been hard going back to work fulltime we've coped.
However the last 2 months when picking her up at nursery dd may give me a smile but then runs off or just continues to play. When trying to get her ready she wriggles to get free and protests/ screams wanting to get back to the activities.
I have to say that i find it really upsetting and am currently spending much time worrying/ guiltridden about this. Away from nursery she is affectionate and spends much of her time with me and shows distress on separation etc. Its just at nursery i have these worries about problems with attachment. In the mornings she just runs off without a backward glance...
I just feel really sad about it all. I have no options with changing working hours currently and i just feel i am damaging dd.

[Mumpbump]

I would think it's a good sign that she is very happy there. I guess she probably wants to stay where the toys are rather than going home where she presumably gets put to bed? Don't really know what to say, but I am sure you are NOT damaging her. It sounds like she will be a very independent young lady in time!

[KezzaG]

My ds was like this and I really liked it. It made me pleased that he was having such a good time. i used to have to call him back to give me a kiss goodbye when I dropped him off.

however, the last 2 weeks he has not wanted me to leave and that has been awful. I am hoping it is just a phase.

I think it just shows you have made the right choice in childcare. Make the most of it before she changes her mind!

[santasdoingtheironing]

Just had to respond to this have I got this right?
1.Your DD is happy at nursery and does not cry when you leave her.

1. In the morning she leaves without a backward glance therefore leaving you to go to work guilt free.
2. Away from nursery she is affectionate

I am sorry to say this but the problem is not your DD but the loss that you feel
Been there got the tee shirt - please dont worry she is displaying every sign of being a happy and secure little girl

[ilovecaboose]

Having a confident independant child is usually the sign of someone who is very confident in their parents (i.e. have no fear parent will leave them that kinda thing). It is not the sign of having problems with attachment to parent, quite the opposite.

She is happy and her nursery, and confident in her bond with you. YOu are definately not damaging her.

I foudn out this stuff cos my ds (2yo) is exactly the same and I was worrying about it.

You are doing a good job and your dd is showing this. Please don't worry about it.

[hulababy]

Don't worry about it. You feel sad and worried because you feel she doesn't need you there. It's really hard. We want our child to fit it and get along nicely at nursery, but then it hurts when they seem t love it so much they are reluctant to leave. You feel guilty because she is enjoyign her time there, but you'd feel even worse if she cried every time you left her too. It is a no win situation I'm afraid.

It is because she is happy there, and gaining confidence in her new surroundings. She obviously loves it there and is secure in the knowledge that you will return later.

DD loved nursery and often complained when it was time to go home and leave her friends and all the playing. She was just so happy and confident there, and sure of her position there. Didn't mean she didn't love or need me. She's now started school and is loving that too - had no problems at all.

Feel proud of yourself for helping your daughter become this confident, happy and independent little girl

[sunnysideup]

It sounds as if she is well used to being left there which is why she is fine when you drop her. I think the not wanting to leave is no reflection on her bond with you, not at all. At about her age and going into toddlerhood, she is gaining a very strong idea of herself as a seperate person with her own thoughts and ideas. Kids this age also get worse at 'change' in general....so it's not really what the change is,eg from nursery to you, it's purely and simply that she is not so adaptable to change now she is becoming a toddler not a baby; she wants to carry on doing what she is doing basically!

I woud say don't let your guilt about working full time influence your view on this; it's to do with her development more than any problem with attachment, in my view.

[PinkTinsel]

my mom was like you, i loved my kindergartan and didn't want to go home at the end of the day and she took it really personally and still throws it in my face now as if i did it on purpose to upset her..... i was 2 ffs!

you need to calm down and stop seeing it as a reflection on you but rather see it as a reflection on how fantastic the nursery is and how happy she is there. would you orefer she was miserable there and dying to come home?

[Jeepers]

Thank you. When thinking logically (!) about it I AM pleased that she is so settled and happy there. I think sometimes I spend the day looking forward to seeing her and then she doesn't want to come home and it hurts a touch.
One concern though... if her levels of determination and independence continue to increase at this rate we are in for some trouble!

[FrannyandZooey]

Jeepers it is very normal for a child to have difficulty adjusting to any sort of change, especially without warning. When you take her to nursery she has a routine to follow and lots of cues to help her prepare for leaving you, eg getting shoes on, leaving house, getting in car, etc. She can follow the routine and begin to predict what is going to happen next.

However while she is at nursery she has no idea of the time and no cues to follow for your arrival. You suddenly appear to take her away, without warning she has to finish her enjoyable activities and leave. The abrupt change is hard for her to take in and so she reacts badly.

Do you arrive each day at a set time? Could the staff spend some time with dd each day getting her ready to go home, for instance sing a good bye song, start to get coat on etc, before you arrive? I would explain that you are getting very upset by the unhappy reaction each day and that anything they can do to help her with the transition from nursery to home would be appreciated.

The other thing to consider is that attached children reserve their worst and most negative behaviour for the adult with whom they feel most secure. Your daughter probably doesn't feel entirely 100% secure with the nursery staff and so to some extent is putting on her best behaviour for them. When Mummy arrives it is time to open the floodgates and let out all the stresses of the day in a whoosh of emotion.

I don't know if either of these explanations ring true with you but I have seen them both in childcare situations and in my own experience as a nanny. I am sorry you are being so hard on yoursel - your dd sounds like a confident and secure little person to me.

[Jeepers]

Oooh! lots of posts whilst typing my rather slow last post. Message received loud and clear.
I promise to get a grip and try see this as a good thing. The problem is with me not her AND I will stop fretting!

It was nice just to be able to share the worry though. Somehow much less toxic when its in black and white on a screen

[Jeepers]

Franny&Zooey that is much how it is. After the long day a nursery and then she comes home and collapses in a heap.Trantrums are not uncommon over ridiculous things which normally would not be an issue. Its all just feels a bit overwhelming and add in a large dollop of guilt and tiredness and a smidge of self flagellation and you have quite a potent cocktail

[FrannyandZooey]

Yup. It is really normal and one of the worst drawbacks of being a working parent I would imagine. Try to take it as a compliment - she obviously feels she can let it all hang out with you

[Jeepers]

mental note to self: see it as a compliment..see it as a compliment...see it as a compliment

Now unclench gritted teeth

[Jeepers]

[Bozza]

jeepers I agree with everyone else really. She is a secure and happy little girl which is the most important thing. DD went through a phase of running off into the play tunnel at about that age. And recently (she seems to be coming through this) we had a phase where her behaviour between leaving nursery and starting bathtime was awful - tantrums galore. I work 3 days and she was fine during this time slot on the other days. I put it down to extra tiredness and the transition back to home life plus a touch of what franny describes as letting out the stresses of the day in her secure home environment.

[Jeepers]

Thank you everyone for posting. Just typing my worries has helped no end and everything people have said has been v. reassuring and has helped me see i have got everything WAY out of proportion. Will stop dwelling and fretting now.

[ilovecaboose]

glad you're feeling better