Lack of smile...his and mine.

[vixies]

My little one is 9 weeks old and no hint of a smile yet. As a first-timer I know I'm worrying myself silly about absolutely everything so far, and am just so shocked that motherhood is nothing like I thought it would be. I feel guilty about everything al the time, and if I'm being truthful I'm simply not enjoying being a mum at the moment. Is this normal?

[clairemow]

Oh vixies, it's really hard work the first time, esp before you start to get anything back like smiles etc. What you're going through is so normal. Babies all do different things at different rates and times, so don't get too worried just yet. You could perhaps speak to your HV (depends if she's any good though...) or doctor if you're really worried.

I bet you're actually doing really well, try and think of all the things that are going right, and concentrate on those.

Take care.

[vixies]

Thankyou! I think part of the problem is I'm doing a lot by myself. Hubby works 9am to 9pm most days, my mum is 100 miles away. My hv is a nice enough lady but a bit useless, I feel I know more than her just from reading/internet etc. I'm just still in shock that ds doesn't feed at the same time every day, that I don't get in the shower at the same time like I always used to, and that I spend days in tracky bottoms...all trivial stuff, but my life feels like Groundhog Day at the mo....

[clairemow]

Yep, am with you! I have a 2 1/2 yr old and a 12 1/2 week old. It's hard when you don't have family around - my mum is 2 1/2 hours away too. Also, you can read too much and get yourself in a state over what "everyone else" is doing, how well their baby sleeps, naps, eats, 'plays' etc. - usually they're lying! Do you have a post natal group/NCT group/baby group or something you can go to so you can get together with other mums (and talk about babies...!!)?

You just have to take each day as it comes, gradually your baby will become more predictable. It's a MASSIVE lifestyle change, and if your DH is out at work for 12 hours, you're basically doing it on your own. The Groundhog day thing does go on for a while I'm afraid, as the LOs' day is just a round of eating, sleeping, having a kick, eating, sleeping, having a kick... Once they get mobile and a bit older and can cope with being awake longer, life becomes more flexible and interesting. Once they start to talk, it's fab. My DS1 has us in stitches sometimes with the mad things he says.

[usandourlittlexmascracker]

I don't think anyone can ever imagine what motherhood is really like.

9 weeks is still very young and everything is still very new to you.
My ds is only 19 weeks but I remember feeling quite low at 8-14 weeks and then it all seemed to get a bit easier. He still doesn't do things at the same time each day but I feel much more confident as a mum and he is much more interested in the world around him and can be distracted or kept busy.

If you don't feel up to groups yet (I have only just started going regularly and enjoying the company) make sure you get out at least once a day, go for a brisk walk and get some fresh air. Sometimes I really didn't feel like it but always felt sooooo much better once I had.

I also had the guilt feelings, I wasnt talking to him enough, I wasn't playing with him enough, I wasn't enjoying every minute, I couldn't wait until my dp came home to take over etc......etc......

I don't think the not smiling is anything to worry about yet either but why give yourself another thing to worry and stress about go to your doctor or ask for a visit from your HV. That will be one thing sorted and one less thing troubling you.

Keep going and before you know it everything will begin to feel easier {{hugs}}

[vixies]

I feel better knowing it is hard, I just thought it was me being useless. I also thought he'd feed the same amount at roughly the same time every day at this age...I think I have a lot to learn!
On the plus side, he seems to like me bobbing up and down with him...my thighs have never had such a workout. I will be back to this site many times in the next few months I'm sure. Thankyou for your kind comments x

[Jam77]

Vix - I am first time mum with an 11 week old DD and just wanted to let you know you are not alone - like me you will become addicted to this site and the support you get from other mums! I have said that the guilt is like nothing I imagined before DD was born and it is totally normal....and usandourlittle is right, a walk does help with the blues, also, FYI if you could see the state of me now you would cross the street to avoid me I look so rough ...and there was I thinking it would be all giggles and coo's and I would be looking beautiful and stylish with my new baby....yeah right

[maxwellsmum]

Vixies, i'm totally with you too.. my DS is now 7 months and you have totally hit the nail on the head with groundhogday!!!
My DS wasnt in any kind of routine either and listening to others saying 'oh, well my friends, sisters baby does this and this and this.....'.
Trust me, i'm sure your doing fine and your little one will smile when your least expecting it and you'll feel on top of the world! (And from then they'll get bigger and better all the time!)
Mumsnet has been brilliant for me... and i ask some really daft questions!

[vixies]

I'm addicted to this site already....I went out, as suggested, and ended up buying the little horror loads of new clothes - Tesco's have 20% off and it made them such a bargain I couldn't say no. He's fast asleep now, so I wrestle with the dilemma of waking him up for a bath and the fun (???) that entails...so much for enjoying the experience, it's like wrestling with a screaming wet octopus - or let him sleep till he wakes up cos he's hungry, then feed him, then not know whether to bath him cos he's just fed...dear oh dear, roll on the day when I think I understand him at least 5% of the day!

[Jam77]

Vix, not sure if it will help you but I honestly could not of survived with making a routine, even if DD is not crying for her food I feed her at the same times (roughly) each day every 3 hrs. I also do bath, bottle then bed same time. It has taken time but is paying off, DD has started to sleep through the night now from 7.30 to 6-7 (with a dream feed at 10.30) please don't think I'm doing a competitive mum thing (can't stand that) but just wanted to let you know that a routine can help you and your little one. On the other hand my good friend has no routine and loves it that way! like you my DH works long hrs and it's hard isn't it....like I said hon it may not suit you but I feel out of control with no routine (by the way even if DD is asleep at feeding times I wake her, how horrid am I?)

[MerryChipmonkAndAHappyNewey]

Oh, vixies, you sound like me when ds1 was born. I remember when I was pg with ds1 I mentioned to my boss that as he would be born in the summer, I would be able to sit out in the back garden with him and relax. My boss (male) had a ds about 1 yr old at the time and he gave me such a look!
I am actually very impressed that you manage to get into your tracky bottoms! I lived in my dressing gown for 2 months!! dh would come home from work and ask how I was and every day I would burst into tears at the question.
Re routine, you don't say if you are breast or bottle feeding but if breastfeeding I know now with hindsight that trying to get ds1 to feed at certain times was probably detrimental to my supply. I won't presume to give advice on bottlefeeding as I have no real experience but I do know that friends who bottlefed seemed to do what Jam77 did and try to make things more structured.
ds1 probably was 2 months old by the time he smiled properly but I was quite good at assuming that every little grimace was a smile. When he did smile it was magic! Ds2 smiled earlier but by then I was much more relaxed and less stressed which definitely helped.

[xmasstocking]

Merry - lol that is exactly what I thought this summer - DS was due in July and I had visions of sunbathing outside before and after he was born - how little did I know!! The lovely summer we had this year completely passed me by as my head was spinning for the first couple of months.

Vixie - don't worry - the more you relax, the more relaxed your lo will be - I didn;t enjoy motherhood at first as I never knew if DS was happy, sad etc and tbh, I felt somedays that he couldn't care less whether I was there or not - but as the others said, when they start smiling and you get feedback that you are doing ok, it is worth it. It will happen!

[Laurenypops]

I'm with Jam77, as a new mum to 18wk old dd, I have found that getting into some sort of routine as helped me feel a little more in control of our lives! That said, I am beginning to learn that obsessing about sticking to it isn't good either. Like you, I sometimes feel as if my brain is going to explode with analysing all dd's progress and behaviour, but as time goes on I am beginning to relax. DD giggled for the first time 3 weeks ago, properly laughed, and hasn't done it since! Obviously I'm not very funny!!

When your lo does smile, you'll feel as if your relationship is developing, and your enjoyment of what is truly a very challenging time, will increase no end.

[madness]

The best advise I was ever given was "Don't listen to other people, just do what you feel is right". Having said so, although dd2 is dc no3, I often have no clue about what I'm doing. When she cries I don't know whether she is hungry or tired. I just try one ting out and if that doesn't work I try somenthing else. If she still cries I call her a "cry baby". And I always make excuses for not puting her in the bath.
I agree what others have said, I always try to get out very day for my own sanity....

[DizzyBint]

vixies- i so know what you're saying too. it took me a long time to get into the swing of things. i always used to worry when people would try to be helpful by saying mum knows best, and i had no clue at all! i always thought but how do the mums know best?!


with regards the bath.. i only bath dd maybe twice or three times a week, and that's in the morning when i've just got her up rather than at night after what may have been a very tying day. i just thought i'd mention that in case you're fretting that you need to do baths every day. you can still do something resembling a bed time routine without a bath.

[martini]

I remember waiting and waiting for DS1 to smile & worrying that he wasn't normal etc etc (think he did it about 11 weeks). Now he's 4, going to school, reading, playing football, calling me a pig face .... yup pretty normal.

Now, as I rush about on school runs, I look back on those tracksuit bottom days when I watched daytime TV & breastfed and feel quite nostalgic.

Its really hard when they are so little and you are new to it too & becomeing a mother is a huge shock. Try not to worry and go with the flow is the best advice I can give you. Loads of people told me that but it did take quite a few months to sink in.

[katiebirdie]

vixies i promise it gets easier. i remember that lost feeling so well! (creeps back for a short time every now and again) when you think "i have no idea what this is alla bout"

you sound like you are doing great, but if you can get out there and meet other mums and babies. it is so much easier once you can share the experience with other women in your situation. is fab on here but so much better in rl.

oh and dont worry about the smiles. they will come (and they are def worth waiting for!)

take care xx

[vixies]

I love this website! I think I worry so much because I had a horrible pregnancy and was having to go to the hospital 3 times a week for the last 3 months; I was so convinced something would be wrong I think I'm still actively looking for it. I would give anything to be more relaxed, chilled and confident about the whole thing.
Also,I keep getting e-mails from work saying when am I going to bring the baby in, and apparently there has been a bit of muttering as to why I haven't - the thought of going in fills me with horror. It's bad enough that I'll have to go back eventually,but even more so I can't bear to think of my dear little baby being passed around like a parcel!

I sound so ungrateful don't I? I really am not, I'm just wishing it felt more natural to me, but all the messages so far have been really helpful.

[RoRoMummy]

I have a daughter age 4, who is part time at school and an 8 week old boy (not really smiling either). Daughter has regressed to a stroppy silly 2 year old (another story!) and I'm fed up with walking to and from school with hardly any time at home in between. Feel that life at the mo is complete drudgery/pants and sometimes wonder why the hell we bothered having kiddies at all. Still haven't managed to venture out of the village on my own (I can't drive so have to use the bus). But the worst things are lack of sleep and lack of 'pattern' to the day. With my daughter I was very free and easy and just took each day as it came, but I can no longer do that because of imposed school routine. In any case, I'm not planning to do that again because no routine ever developed! She didn't sleep through until she was 2!!!! No way am I going through that again... So I'm being free and easy until 3 months and then plan to put in a routine then, aiming for sleeping through by 6 months. Currently can't decide which guru's book to follow: does anyone like the Baby Whisperer?

[clairemow]

roromummy - I like the baby whisperer, seems a much gentler version of the routine we can't mention (which I follow loosely...). I agree routine really helps me, I have 2 as well, and without a routine of some sort, life would be totally impossible.. for me anyway.

[PortAndLemonaid]

If you are making it into tracky bottoms you are doing well... there were plenty of days with DS that I never made it out of pyjamas . It is very hard, especially with a young baby.

Assuming she looks at things and responds to light, etc., then really don't worry about the smiles. They will come.

[Jam77]

Vix - Funnily enough I had the same from work - DD is 11 weeks and I finally caved and brought her in today...I work for BT so big building, big office (open plan about 150 people) and despite asking everyone to go gently with DD they all steamed in crowding her, poking prodding, cooing etc...and I know they meant well but then they all looked at each and me when DD started wailing...is is any fecking surprise!!!!!!! I told them not to crowd her, all those lights, sounds and faces must of shocked her silly (so used to my cosy front room)then one of them turned to me saying "oh dear, poor you..." I found myself explaining that she is usually conent and happy (with her moments, she wouldn't be a normal baby if she didn't have) and then she kept saying "oh you look stressed now, is she making you stressed with all that screaming?" I felt like saying "no, you are!!!!" but I just calmly said "no doesn't bother me, babies are people and it's just a bit much for her" thankfully she did calm down and in the end when people were asking for a cuddle I had to politely say "no, sorry, she's had enough today" so to ramble but It really got to me the comments, so what I'm trying to get at (whilst letting off steam ) is you take your time love, I could just about face it at nearly 12 weeks xxx

[sunnysideup]

vix you have already had some great advice,hope things improve soon for you. It IS a huge lift when they start to smile back at you....silly question, but are you sure you are giving out lots of smiles? You'll get them back sooner the more you give, it seems to me.

Also, with the not feeding at the same time, do you say that because the baby is not crying for feeds at the same time?

I think a gentle routine might be worth a try; not something rigid, more a 'structure' to the day; get baby up at the same time each day roughly; offer feeds regularly (whatever you think - 3 or 4 hourly possibly?) even if the baby doesn't cry for them.....put the baby down for a nap even if there's no sign of tiredness or grumpiness - my ds always amazed me by happily taking a nap when he didn't even seem tired....

[Jam77]

Sorry about the rant....I am so oversensitive (see vix we are all guilty of stressing ) How do you learn to not take everything so personally re LO's and why do I care so much that people think only the best of DD??? Before having a baby (DD is my first) I didn't give a crap what people thought....

[vixies]

I am actually far more chilled out today simply from reading all the messages - this truly is a genuine help. Why oh why is this the only place that seems to discuss the reality of it all - I bought and read every preggy and baby magazine going before my LO arrived and there's not so much of a hint as to how truly hard it is!!!

I do probably have some sort of routine, and to be fair he's pretty good at night - reading some other stories on here makes me appreciate a lot of things I had perhaps taken for granted. I think it's partly because my working life was so structured, and because I'd read a book that can't be mentioned and sort of thought my baby would feed EXACTLY the same amount at EXACTLY the same time, down to the minute, every day. He does feed about the same every 3/4 hours, he didn't cry when I bathed him last night and apart from puking on my shoulder has been a little angel today. I think as well I've fussed him less today...perhaps he just needs to chill out on his own for a bit without neutotic mother demanding he smiles on demand every second of the day. Still, it will be nice when it does happen.....

Jam - your office experienvce is exactly what happened to a friend, and precisely the reason I'm dreading it and am not going to go yet...only now I don't feel guilty!

[Jam77]

So good to hear you are feeling better Vix This site has been a Godsend to me too - really helped me along the way and still is!!! So when anyone in the office makes a comment re LO not being paraded about yet just say poke it!!!