5 year old tantrums - what now?

[eldestgirl]

Feeling frazzled (and soaked). 5 year old DS has been having 1 swimming lesson a week after school simce July. He is sometimes a bit reluctant to join in, but always seems to enjoy it, and is getting quite good. However today took the biscuit. He refused to get into the pool, and when I suggested he went to get changed instead, he totally lost it. He had the choice, get in the pool or come home, but instead stood there screaming and stamping, as if he was 3! Had to haul him off to the changing rooms (hence soaked) where he continued to let rip (don't you hate an echo in that situation?). What do I do? Cancel the lessons? And more immediately, what now? He has been really bolshy since he started school in September, and constantly refuses to do anything I ask. It's slight comfort that he is apparently an angel at school. I can't seem to find any punishment/reward that gets me anywhere with him.

[TwigTwoolett]

have you tried Soupy's pasta jar?

[TwigTwoolett]

PS a 5 year old is still very young ... sometimes we forget quite how young they are .. don't worry about him tantruming .. they do it .. and sometimes its more difficult when they're 5 because they have such a strong sense of their individuality

[CornflakeKid]

My 5 year old is the same! Time out in his room and telling him he can come out when he has calmed down works rather than telling him to stay there for a specific amount of time - so he is in control of his behaviour.

I am baffled as to why he is like it - blatantly ignoring what I say, being horrible to little brother and complete meltdowns - he is quite a gentle soul really - so think is a phase and will ride it out!

Good luck!

[eldestgirl]

Thanks for your replies. Twig, the only reward system going at the moment which seems to work is his moneybox. He gets a small amount, say 30p for extra jobs around the house. Have just emptied it to pay for his swimming lesson (keeping to threats, and yes I did resort to threatening him with that!) but today he's not bothered as there was only 60p in there. He spent his hard earned dosh on an ELC trumpet last weekend!
I think what may have made him worse today was lack of carbs. The teachers at school refuse to monitor what they eat, so he just eats his fruit and empties his drink bottle (weak ribena) and beings home his snacks and sandwiches, which drives me nuts. We used to have to eat our sandwiches first!
I think what got to me today was the humiliation factor of a meltdown by the poolside. He's really tall for 5 so it looks even worse! Will talk to him about cancelling/postponing the swimming lessons. Will now have to face bedtime without story (as he also spat at me, how delightful, don't know where he picked THAT up).
Oh the joys! I do hope it is just a phase Cornflake.

[fortyplus]

Lots of children are like this when they start going to school - they suddenly realise that there is a life away from mum & dad and start testing the boundaries.

Also - school is really tiring. He may be feeling exhausted by the time he gets to the pool. Give him a snack beforehand so that his blood sugar levels haven't dropped too low - this is the cause of much bad behaviour. It can be fruit or a cereal bar, but if I were you I'd give him something that he will regard as a treat and tell him that you know he needs lots of energy for his swimming lesson.

[fortyplus]

Have just read your last post. You're trying to be way too sophisticated with punishments & rewards - 5 year olds have little concept of money or time. Everything needs to be immediate. And what you say re: bringing most of his lunch home reinforces my opinion that his problem is his blood sugar level by the time he gets to the pool.

[eldestgirl]

Maybe you're right fortyplus, but the incentive of saving up for something by doing helpful things, with the threat of financial penalties for bad behaviour has been brilliant recently.
Will go with large piece of fruit cake after school next week (if I can face it!)

[tissy]

I do think you're asking a bit much if you're expecting the teachers to "monitor" his eating- that's not their job at all!

If he's eating fruit and not his sandwiches, how about not giving him fruit (or not so much). Does he tell you why he doesn't eat his sandwiches? Perhaps you are just giving him too much of everything, and he fills himself up with the fruit and is no longer hungry. You could add some low salt or salt free crisps to his lunch bag to get some more carbohydrates into him, if that's the problem.


I, too, think that confiscating his money to pay for the lesson was harsh- you want him to learn to swim- it doesn't sound as if he would be bothered if you cancelled the lessons.

[fennel]

My 5yo dd is just like this. She's angelic and hardworking and helpful at school, but tends to tantrum at home (or in public) especially if tired or hungry. We tried after school swimming classes for a few weeks this term and were very relieved it was only a 6 week course as she was just too tired to really thrive in it.

I'd postpone the swimming classes til he's a bit less tired after school, or do them at the weekend.

[fortyplus]

I think small financial rewards are fine, but I don't agree with taking money away. It must be very frustrating for him - think how angry people get about parking tickets - far beyond the sum of money involved.
I think fruit cake about 40 mins before the lesson will work wonders - plus a big grown up chat about how proud you are that he's doing so well with his swimming. Tell him you've been thinking about why he didn't feel like going in last time and that you understand how hard he works and the fruit cake will give him energy to try really hard in his lesson.
It's taken me a long time to get away from negative parenting - we wouldn't talk to or treat another adult like that and yet we sometimes act like benevolent dictators with our children. Some people take it further and scream and shout at them in public - that must be really humiliating. It's more important to try to get them to understand why they should behave in a certain way at a particular time - not be forced into it.
It's not easy, is it? I can still remember at 12 or 13 feeling that I had no control over what went on in my life. I try to let my children know that I value their opinions and I won't force them into things they hate, but if they want to do a course of lessons and I have paid for it then I expect them to show commitment. eg mine both learn musical instruments - their choice not mine - so as I'm paying out £300 a term for lessons I expect them to practise 20 mins most days. It's all about give & take, isn't it?