help - terrible threes!

[EJW]

Hello everyone, I am at the end of my tether. Have just given up a full time job to be at home with the kids and think I am making things worse not better!

DS(3) has just started at pre-school having been previously in a full-time nursery. Although we did have episodes of him being aggresive towards other children, (hitting and scratching) they had long periods in between. He has been at preschool for alomst two weeks and I must admit has found it hard to settle I have been asked almost everyday by one of the carers if she can have a word. Today was the first time that he actually hit someone and he said that they scratched him that is why he hit. But the teacher did not see him being scratched only my ds hitting so although they both got time out the other child's parents were not told!

At home I seem to be shouting at him all the time, he does not listen to anything I say and then after several times asking him to do something or not do something I end up really shouting which I know is not the right thing to do but I feel I'm running out of options and patience. When he doesn't get his own way he throws a full scale tantrum!

He won't have a sleep at home during the day and I still think he needs it but I can't get him to have one. I think his behaviour is largely down to that but I don't know what to do.

Help!!!

[EliBoo]

Not an expert on tantrums, as dd gets moody rather than tantrum-y, but....the move to pre-school is a big deal.

dd is much more tired, and having dropped her nap has picked it up again some days - the days she doesn't nap (and she will fight sleep!) I put her to bed at least an hour earlier than usual, if not more. Could you put ds to bed earlier?

It also occurred to me that, knowing you are at home, he might be pissed off about being away from you - and just be going through a sort of secondary separation phase.

As for not listening...hmm, think thats just the way of three year olds a lot of the time. Often, dd is genuinely pre-occupied with her very busy little brain whirring and honestly doens't hear or notice me. It drives me nuts when I'm tired, but...if you can stay calm, kneel down in front of him and try to get his attention in a fun or goofy way before asking whatever it is, it seems to work better. At least for me.

Good luck, am sure more experienced parents of threenagers will step in....

[EliBoo]

Just re read your post, and realized your ds was at a f/t nursery - so maybe more used to active day than dd is. But still, its a huge move - he may be missing the other kids/teachers/routines, he's bound to be unsettled. And change can be very tiring! How long since the move?

[nannynick]

As you have recently stopped working, why have DS attend a pre-school at all. He's been at full time nursery previously, so perhaps he would like more 1:1 time with you. Children do however take a while to settle to a new environment, so I'm surprised the pre-school are not being more supportive of that.

When he throws a tantrum at home, ignore him. I know it's hard, but if you ignore it they generally soon stop. He wants your attention and is doing something to get that.

I care for a 3 year old and 2 year old. Neither of them now have a sleep during the day. While they do still need it, they will fight it, so instead we have a quiet time after lunch (tends to be the only time during the day when they get to watch a dvd).

Having a weekly routine can help a lot. Find things to do with your DS during the week - such as music group, toddler group, swimming, gymnastics/playgym, walk in the woods.

My advice, have a few months of him not attending pre-school... then try again once he's got more used to you being at home.

[EJW]

Had an even worse day today. He was kept in pre-school when I went to collect him and the classroom assistant assigned to him came out to speak to me. She said there had been 4 incidents made up of pinning a child against the wall, getting on top of another child, dragging another child away from some toys because he wanted to play with them and pinching another one on the face!!

They are giving him time out but I'm really starting to get worried. Is it the change in routine and environment and he is not used to the discipline of a school environment or is there something more seriously wrong.

I'm considering stopping sweets and fruit juice altogther to see if they have any impact.

We are doing soem things together, we go to a messy play group and the library and I do try and do things with him at home. He is not aggressive towards his little sister. I do think he needs something like pre-school or nursery as he is very active and quite forward for his age.

I'm wondering if his previous nursery may have had some lasting effects there were some older children who were quite aggressive and I'm wondering if some of it became the norm for him to act like that. Towards the end I was unhappy with the nursery and that is part of why I gave up work and I'm wondering if they ignored a lot of things.

I'm going to speak to the actual teacher tommorrow to get her take on it. I don't want him to become alienated.

It has only been 3 weeks and I know it is a massive change for all of us so may be I am jumping the gun! I'm just scared that his behaviour is not normal!!

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[jakeandbensmummy]

EJW, my heart is really with you. My 21 month old is biting like Jaws (I've just posted about this on another thread!!) and my 3 yr old can be a little you-know-what! I just wondered if you'd thought about a reward chart? I caught myself using threats and negativity far too much and decided to give it a whirl. It's nothing fancy, just some star stickers on a piece of cardboard. When the chart is full, Ds1 gets to choose something nice like half an hour in the sink 'washing up', having a go in mummy's shower (he is a bit water obsessed!). It doesn't have to result in sweets or a toy - sometimes attention or an activity is what they really want. I just found that instead of saying 'DON'T hit your brother on the head' I could say 'If you can play nicely with your brother for a liitle while, you can put a sticker on your chart.' It's also a good way to get them to get dressed, tidy up...all the things they moan about doing!
We try to be careful with the kids' diet - we're not perfect and they do get 'goodies' but I do notice the effect when they have sugary things (high as kites and then grumpy and aggressive when they're coming down!)
Keep smiling. It's all just a phase and you obviously care about him enough to be doing something about it. Good luck!

[EJW]

Hi

We have used reward charts for toileting etc but I think I'm going to start implementing it on a wider basis as you haev suggested. We had a good day today and he came out of pre-school full of priode because they had stamped his hand to show that he had been a good boy I nearly cried again but this time for good reasons! I heaped the praise on. We are seeing his teacher on Thursday as I want to estbalish exactly what they are doing. I think he needs lots of postive encouragement and to be shown the right way. So I'll see what they say.

Thanks to everyone who has offered thoughts this really is a fab website, as somethimes it can be a very lonely existence!

[jakeandbensmummy]

Sounds like he's just like my little man - just wants his mummy to tell him he's great!
DS said to me tonight in bed 'You are my best mummy. Now you say something nice to me!'
Funny little beggars.