Crippling shyness!

[Judgeybear]

My 7 year old DS is painfully shy. My DD, DH and I aren't the most gregarious people in the world but we're pretty "normal" as far as confidence goes but DS can barely interact with other kids, even those he's known for years. Parties, sports clubs, even school is torture for him. His schoolmates and teachers are all lovely and try to include him but they eventually give up and leave him to it as he rebuffs them - sometimes quite aggressively. I hate seeing him clinging to the wall or hiding in the corner if the playground. Of course he's absolutely fine (and loud and boisterous) at home and he tells me he's fine he just wants to be left alone. What can I do to help him?

[AliMonkey]

My DS has selective mutism and shares some of these traits, ie loud and boisterous at home but can turn quite aggressive. However he does have some good friends who he interacts with relatively normally provided it is in a "normal" location, eg our house or school playground - but very clingy and won't talk at party or in street - saw his best friend today in a shop and wouldn't even look at him. So might be more than shyness? However even if not what your DS has, I would say there are some common themes. Probably all anxiety related, with the aggression due to frustration at himself at not being able to do the things he wants to. What he needs is:

• Reassurance that you love him as he is but also that he will at some point in the future fund these situations easier.
  
• acknowledgement that you know he finds it hard but no pressure to resolve it (other than that required when his behaviour is dangerous or extreme)
  
• help with knowing how to approach such situations - some people find role playing helps
  
• small steps eg if he is fine at home then could you arrange a play date at your house with a child that he hasn't yet scared off too much? Or a small "party" at your house with just family but doing the sort of things that happen at a kids party?
  
• Have teachers / TAs tried doing one on one sessions? DS has been having sessions with a TA ( one he had "clicked" with rather than the class one who he didn't get on with) 2 or 3 times a week just doing things together (jigsaw, game) gradually moving to things requiring him to talk then they have slowly (very slowly which is important but very frustrating for me who of course wants instant results!) introduced others into the sessions.
  
  Anyway those are things that have helped us or others that just might help you.

[Judgeybear]

Thank you so much - really useful advice and lots to think about. Good luck with your DS.