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Behaviour/development

Anxious 9 (nearly 10) yo ds

14 replies

bigmouthstrikesagain · 23/07/2014 13:06

DS is a very sensitive and intelligent child but he is not at all resilient.

He is often worried about very trivial things - the behaviour of kids in his class, sharing the pc at home, he has to wear a vest under his school polo shirt as his chest is 'sensitive' and he can't stand the sensation of the school emblem stitched on the shirt front. He is sentimental about things and finds it hard to let go/ deal with changes. He complains of feeling panicky/ breathless in school assemblies sitting with hundreds of children. He has a few nervous tics/ compulsive behaviours that emerge when he is anxious.

He rarely wants to go on school trips - hated going on the trip to a panto last year and flatly refused to go on the daytrip to France. He doesn't like going out for the day with the family (aside from some very familiar places) and will make it very hard for everyone else if he is unhappy. We are quite hard on him in return as it is very self centred - but sometimes the only way to get him to behave is to let him have his tantrum and then he can see reason - but this palaver is very inconvenient.

As he is my eldest - there is an element of not really knowing how much of his behaviour is 'normal' and just his personality and what is not. Whether we should 'do' anything is an issue that has given DH and I a few sleepless nights over the years. I was hoping emotional maturity would help but I suppose the teen years are a rollercoaster so I can see things could get worse before they improve.

He is a lovely boy and gets brilliant school reports, he is very kind and caring and I love him dearly but I am worried that if I ignore his personality 'quirks' that I am letting him down. There are people with depression in my immediate family and I worry about that. Any experience advice would be much appreciated - Thank you.

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bigmouthstrikesagain · 23/07/2014 13:46

Hopeful bump

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Lettucesnow · 23/07/2014 13:56

It might be a good idea to ask his school to get the educational psychologist to do a test. He sounds as though he may be on the autistic spectrum. Getting him assessed would help you and others to understand his 'quirks' a little more. It will help you understand that this has nothing to do with depression but will help you meet his need for explanations before changes.

He sounds like a lovely boy and you sound like a warm, caring, parent. Smile

(PM me if you want to)

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TheFirmament · 23/07/2014 13:58

Oh bigmouth I relate to your most. My 9yo is similar, not exactly the same as he worries more about intangible things, but the school trips, the big groups, the nervous tics and even the sensitivity to his school top - yes and yes! Very low pain threshold, easily upset. Mine is also very kind, gentle and caring.

Someone once told me we should make him do rugby and force him to go on trips etc to toughen him up. But I know him well and I don't think that's ever going to happen tbh. He's a sensitive soul and that comes with many plus sides, but he will always be anxious.

I'm also anxious and there's depression in my family too, but remember 1 in 4 people suffer mental health issues so most families will have some.

My DS has been seen by CAMHS after his anxiety got pretty bad last year. They have been great (they get loads of poor ratings on here but I can't fault ours) and we have lots of exercises and tricks to help him calm down. Physical exercise also really helps and we try to get out and about a lot. And lots of talking, letting him express what his worries are and taking them seriously, even if they are irrational.

You could try an initial visit to the GP without him, to discuss possibilities. We also have this book which is useful.

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bigmouthstrikesagain · 23/07/2014 14:18

Thank you Lettuce and Firmament Smile

I have a friend with a ds the same age who has been diagnosed with ASD - I have been struck by some similarities BUT friends ds issues are much more severe (though he went on the school trip happily - the school asked his mum to attend as well mind!). My DS can control his temper and behaviour at school and he has not got any issues around empathy and understanding social mores - though he hates the chaotic nature of some interactions with other children. He has been much happier at school since we gave him a ball to take in. It seems the ownership of a ball to play footie at lunchtime is the top social currency amongst boys in yr5!

He does demonstrate some more minor ASD traits but not always consistently - it has never been mentioned by any of his teachers they are always happy with his progress - so I have not pursued a GP referral. Anxiety seems to be the basis for his tics rather than other way round iyswim.

I have been looking at methods of dealing with anxiety and am going to see if they help him - he most def needs a break from school. He is very much like his father, very sensitive to other peoples emotions and worn out by social interaction. DH retreats to his cave office for alone time to recover from his work/ commute and blows of steam playing footie - Ds seems to be following that pattern...

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Lettucesnow · 23/07/2014 14:28

Dad may also be on the spectrum. It tends to be genetic. There are different levels with differing quirks. So just because his particular quirks are different from your friend's boy...

Things can be very black and white for a child with autism.

Pushing to 'toughen up' is not the answer but explanations and understandings, social stories and praise can help.

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bigmouthstrikesagain · 23/07/2014 14:31

I ordered this book for ds Firmament which is linked to your book by Amazon. I might get the book you suggested as well though, cheers.

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stargirl1701 · 23/07/2014 14:36

Does his school use anything like 'Bounce Back' to talk about resilience?

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bigmouthstrikesagain · 23/07/2014 14:36

Most definitely Lettuce - I would not discount ds being on the spectrum - but don't want to make any particular diagnosis without an assessment - I have my own isshoos with labels though that I need to set aside for ds sake. Just all a bit scary Sad

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bigmouthstrikesagain · 23/07/2014 14:39

Ds is very keen on justice - so if he feels a decision or action by someone is creating an injustice he can be very outraged on his own or others behalf.

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bigmouthstrikesagain · 23/07/2014 14:40

I don't know I have not heard the term 'Bounceback' - I will look into that though thank you.

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stargirl1701 · 23/07/2014 14:43
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Lettucesnow · 23/07/2014 14:52

"but don't want to make any particular diagnosis without an assessment - I have my own isshoos with labels though that I need to set aside for ds sake. Just all a bit scary sad"

Of course you'll need a professional assessment, bigmouthstrikesagain. This may take some time though.

I too hate labels as I despair of people who automatically link them with a disability when in fact lots of them are conditions.

Take one step at a time with researching this and remember, if he does turn out to be on the autistic spectrum, there is support for you, your family and your son. Smile

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TheFirmament · 23/07/2014 14:59

Our CAHMS doctor mentioned ASD and asked us a few questions but she said if it was there, it's very mild and the label might not be helpful for DS. In other words if we didn't want to pursue it, there was no need. We are just keeping an eye on those traits and we know we can go back if we're worried.

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Lettucesnow · 23/07/2014 15:12

The CAMHS doctor was right. It isn't worth the label if it's mild, but the knowledge and support from the school is invaluable as things can get more stressful as the child gets older.

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