I've got two boys, ds1 is 3.7 and ds2 is 21m. They are quite different personalities in many ways, ds1 is a stubborn thinker who likes things just so and can throw a tantrum to rival the best when he doesn't get his way. He's so stubborn that it can take what feels like hours of screaming to get him to say sorry, although this is something I always insist on. Ds2 is 21m and has always been a more laid-back little soul, very smily and cheery, but also much more physical.
They get on well and have the same sense of humour, but at the moment I am constantly having to referee their fights. Ds1 grabs toys off ds2 even when he clearly doesn't want them, and deliberately plays just roughly enough to push him over the edge into tears. Ds2's cheery nature has translated in recent weeks into thinking everything is a game that should be accompanied with a broad grin, even when it's being told for the hundredth time not to throw stones at his brother's head. He has learnt exactly how to push ds1's buttons and is increasingly at fault in their rows.
Because ds2 is smaller I've been intervening on his side most of the time up to now, because he cries more quickly I guess, and because until recently he didn't seem to be doing anything on purpose. But now I find it's closer to 50-50 and I am totally sick of having to deal with it all the time. They both do it on purpose and I am turning into shouty mummy, which I hate. Any advice from someone who's been through similar?
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Brothers (3.7 and 21m) winding each other up something chronic
ANiceSitDownAndACuppa · 20/07/2014 20:20
This is so weird I opened this thread because my two are a similar age, saw your username and thought I'd posted something in my sleep or something!
I have a DS 3.6 and DD 21 months and at times they fight like cat and dog! DS is the same as your older DC, he's often happy playing until DD has something and then he just has to have it even if it means bopping her over the head, snatching, pushing, scratching, shutting her in a room etc. If one of them had it first I will intervene and say that person is having a turn and they can have a turn when they're done but in DS' s case I often have to physically remove him because he will keep going for it. If they have both gone for a toy at once or are just fighting I usually leave them to it unless it's getting nasty and then I either split them up or remove the toy.. With the latter they're often playing nicely together a few minutes later!
I'm different to you in that I don't insist on apologies, I was brought up with a lot of empty ones that left me feeling if someone doesn't mean it then what's the point? I apologise if I've upset them or shouted or whatever and I remind them when their behaviour is unkind to be gentle but I leave the apology up to them, you'd be surprised how often they actually want to say sorry when they've calmed down!
you say you used to intervene on DS2's side and you've become quite shouty. ..do you think there's any chance they (DS1 in particular) are after a reaction from you now? It took me ages to accept that DS wanted a reaction from me and wasn't fussed if it was positive or negative, I try as often as possible now when I do intervene to remain calm and almost bored in my response and to point out when they're playing nicely and tell them how lovely it is...of course it's quite a different matter when I'm trying to cook and they're half killing each other or wrecking the place!
I don't know if it's any good to you but it helps me to know I'm not the only one in this position. .I've heard that 1 and 3 is hard, 2 and 4 is good, 3 and 5 they fight again, I suppose a lot of it depends on their developmental stage (for example I believe a child doesn't start to understand the concept of sharing until around 5) and what else is happening in their lives (school/nursery etc) - my next read is 'siblings without rivalry' which is recommended a lot on here, might be worth a look 
Reading with interest. My boys are 3 and nearly 5. The winding up, fighting and crying is really getting me down. Most days I just can't wait for them to be asleep 
They are much better out and about, but nothing worse than being at home.
Sharing a room is so difficult for them but no choice.
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