Please help me. I'm struggling.

[bramblina]

I have just written a really long post about my kids arguing and bickering and telling tales and dd interrupted me and I've lost the lot I am on the verge of tears.

Ds is 9, dd 6 and we have a toddler. Ds and dd just seem to fight and bicker all the time. I cannot stand it any more. They tell tales, wind each other up, fight, argue, will not listen, and I realise I am going far wrong here and don't know what to do.

I am that mother who loves the school hols, hate it when they go back, misses them, looks forward to things we can do, I also aspired to be the mother of the kids everyone adores and admires.

I lost the plot with the arguing tonight at dinner and left the table. Told the older 2 to clear the table, ds dropped the humous and it spilled and he stormed off to his room, red in the face and raging, his temper is becomming a worry. He never takes it out on anything he just goes red and shakes and I wonder if this is normal, I notice in the last 8 months a massive shift in him, I guess he's just grown up all of a sudden.

I had a chat after dinner and ds tells me he hates dd as she is so annoying and picks at everything, is cheeky and naughty and so we had a long chat about how everyone is all of those things and he needs to accept blame. He winds her up, she retaliates and he wonders what he did wrong. He hates too many people, too much noise and has no time for younger kids. He seems to have contempt for dd and it worries me.

I see dd turning rapidly in to the "middle child" expecially because of how he makes her feel. Sometimes it's water off a duck's back to her but it shapes the way she develops too.

I have told them both I am not accepting it anymore and it stops now. I will be firm but I think I'm going wrong and need some advice.

Please, only advice and no criticism as it has taken a lot for me to ask for help here. I adore my kids and don't want to make a mess of raising them. I genuinely think I used to be a really good Mum, with loads of time for the children, patience and encouragement and yet now I really think I am not.

I am really, really

[Shia]

Hello, my son was the oldest (adult now) and my daughter was nearly three years younger.

Mine were close to start off with but then the age and different sex catches up.

Your boy is more grown up now and probably doesn't want an 'annoying' sister. Your daughter thinks she is on a par with her brother and then the bickering sets in.

It's quite normal for siblings to bicker. Your children sound quite normal to me! As difficult as it is you have to try and play each of their strengths up and to try and give them their own space in the house and individual time.

All it takes is one put down from the brother, the sister gets upset and retaliates and world war 3 isn't far off!

It sounds like you are doing your best, especially as you have a third child!

At their ages my children were old enough to understand the conflict is upsetting for their mother and you can sit them down and have a family meeting and ask them for input and find ways to get on.

[EssexMummy123]

Sounds like your handling it well - why do you think you are going wrong?

[ThatWasNice]

This sounds like my kids when they were younger. I am sorry to say I never quite managed to get it under control although now they are 17 and older they all get on well and never bicker.

I swear I did everything right. Food, bedtimes, exercise, consistency, consequences, etc etc but the little buggers still squabbled. They used to play together a lot so I tried to kid told myself that they squabbled because they were with each other a lot.

We dealt with it as we went along, sometimes it was ok and sometimes it was incredibly frustrating. It got better as teens but flared up a bit when they were stressed by GCSE's or A'levels

They never hit or said nasty things to one another but would niggle each other. It's so irritating when you see an otherwise well behaved child deliberately trying to annoy their sibling for absolutely no reason at all. It used to drive me crazy especially as it was usually impossible pinpoint who was doing what.

Sorry, this isn't a more helpful reply but at least you know you are not the only one.

[Goldmandra]

It's horrible and frustrating but normal. My DDs are pretty good compared to a lot of others I know but I still find it upsetting to listen to.

The High Scope conflict resolution method can be helpful to read about because it helps you to manage their conflicts but also teaches them the skills to manage them independently in the future. It's worth a look.

In the meantime getting them to unite against you as the their common enemy can work occasionally when you're at the end of your tether

[bramblina]

Shia- that is exactly correct! Just as I see it.
Essex- they didn't used to argue, and ds was just a delight but now I see a not so nice side to him. Having said that he was quite amazing when young, I think maybe I expected him to stay young and naive and perhaps now he's more "normal".
TWN yes it is good to know I'm not alone. I think that's why I came on here.
Gold thank you for the link that's the kind of thing I'm looking for.

Thanks, everyone.

[Jaffakake]

Sounds like my brother and me! At that age mum used to create a barrage of cereal packets across the table at breakfast time so we would read the backs of them & also encourage us to read so we wouldn't make eye contact or converse!

My brother used to go bright red & was incapable at saying sorry. At 38 I can't say that's changed!

Now, we're the best of friends & given recent family events, couldn't manage without each other. If we'd not bickered, maybe the bond we have wouldn't be so strong?

[Heyho111]

It sounds like sibling rivalry is part of the problem.your son may be the result screaming etc but what's causing it. It might be worth getting a book on it as the reasons why they are doing it and how to stop it can't be written in a sentence or two.
Also you have your son developing and struggling with his feelings. He is coping with his anger by removing himself from the situation. He may need chats about what makes us cross and is that worth being cross about. It's going to take months to help his thought process to change.
Good luck.