please help, what do I do?

[scotchick]

My 5 yo ds2 is really shy, have had trouble getting him to settle at playgroup and nursery and is due to start school next week which I am dreading. He can sometimes get a bit violent with friends and lash out. My worry at the moment is that he's started crying when going to friends' houses to play and cries when taken to his judo. Today he had a friend's birthday party soft play and refused to go in, screaming and crying til my dh took him home. I'm so worried he's going to end up pushing friends away and am DREADING his first day at school. How should I deal with this, any ideas PLEASE?

[MrsMuddle]

No good advice, I'm afraid, but I just wanted to reassure you that the teachers have seen it all before and will know what to do. When my oldest DS started p1 (which just feels like yesterday, although he starts p7 tomorrow!) there was a wee boy who clung to his mum every morning, and had to get peeled off her, kicking and screaming. It took a couple of weeks, but after that he was fine. Good luck!

[scotchick]

Yes, I'm sure I won't be alone. I'm wondering if I baby him too much. He has a snuggly which for the last week we have tried our very hardest not to give him til bedtime. Since I arrived home an hour ago he has contstantly sucked his fingers. I'm feeling very stressed. No-one else had experience of this kind of behaviour and found a miraculous way to deal with it???

[80sMum]

Try to be very matter-of-fact about school. Take him there, do what you have to, i.e. take him to his teacher etc, and then say goodbye and leave. Whatever you do, don't hang around with him or he'll get more and more anxious about you leaving.
He will undoubtedly be upset when you leave him, and so will you but try hard not to let that show. If your little ds believes that you are totally happy and confident about leaving him at school, he will soon realise there's nothing to fear.

[HonorMatopoeia]

Hi scotchick, I'm one of those teachers who has experienced it all before! At school we deal with this by asking the parents to prepare their child for the day ahead by talking through it with them in minute detail, some even draw pictures together about what things will definitely happen and blu tack them to one wall, then they draw pictures of things that may happen or that are worrying the child and blu tack them to another. They then bring the pictures in and talk through them with their teacher. We've found that, quite often, although obviously not always, the children are worried about things that can easily be sorted e.g. what they do at dinner. The younger ones especially don't know how to voice their fears so it all gets lumped into 'I don't want to go'. Speak to your ds's teacher about your worries as each school usually has their own way to deal with these things. Please don't worry about 'babying' your son, he is your baby and this love will stand him in great stead for the future once her has got over this particular phase.

[Maddison]

Can you actually take him into the school and hand him over to the relevant person? That's what myself and quite a lot of other parents did when DS1 started in reception last year, we were allowed to do this until Easter. I take it he is starting in Reception, which is about learning through play so the children enjoy learning. There is a programme on C4 on Tuesday at 9pm called The Secret Life Of The Classroom about a group of children starting in Reception and follows them for a year, it maybe worth a watch.

I think the teachers are very consistant and the children quickly get used to what they can and can't do, so he will quickly get the idea that he can't take his snuggly into school, the same will apply to lashing out at friends.

Sorry about the ramble, hope it helps a bit and that in a few weeks you will be wondering what you were worrying about iykwim

[scotchick]

Thanks everyone. Have past experience of him at playgroup and then at nursery with all the crying and "Idon't want to go' and I must say I'm always very matter of fact and say, well, you are going and you'll be fine - hand him over and walk away. Staying does no good. The way the school operates there will be about 1/2 hour til I leave him and he will cry the whole time and tbh one of my fears is that I will cry too!!! That will humiliate me and make him worse! Don't get me wrong I feel very little sympathy for him, I just usually end up getting cross and in my head I'm thinking - ffs!!! Like when I found out he didn't go to that party today. I just find the clinging and crying so stressful.

[scotchick]

I'll try the talking it through tomorrow morning with his big brother