2 yo review at nursery - worried. very shy.

[ihearpedropony]

My nursery just ran through my 2 yos review and brought up some concerns.

She never asks to join in (either verbally or by her actions) They encourage her and she comes over then but would watch all day if not encouraged.

She has never initiated play with others. A couple of (younger) girls play with her and she responds ok (follows with a little chatter)

She is a creature of routine and doesn't like change. It has taken us 5 months for us to get to reasonable drop offs (no crying, just a little whine about wanting to stay home)

They said her speech is behind. I've no idea what is normal for her age but she talks fine at home (IMO) and is quiet at nursery. She learns new words fast and speaks in longish sentences. She talks very quietly and I often have to ask her to speak louder.

She still has her dummy (a lot) wakes some nights, wears nappies and loves her pushchair. She doesn't want to be a big girl.

Is my little girl just shy? Can I help her? I worry so much she isn't happy.

She is 2.11 and has a younger sister 11 months. She goes to nursery 1 day PW 8-5. When she first started she just did 2 x mornings but me going back to work after mat leave in November has changed this.

She is 3 at the end of March and they are encouraging me to take all my free hours entitlement from April.

[fedupandfifty]

Chill! She's 2! "Review" probably some ridiculous back-covering exercise. Take no notice!

[NotAQueef]

I really wouldn't worry if you have no concerns yourself. It could be that as she only goes one day per week she has never fully "settled" so each week has to get used to the setting all over again.
I think doing more hours next term (with the EY 15hrs free) will really help especially if she can do some consecutive days.

[bellablot]

Don't take any heed if that stuff, they have to conform to these regulations and paper exercises. They couldn't possibly gauge anything about your DD with just one day at nursery, which might be part of the problem, she might just be shy. Either way, she's only 2, don't force her to grow up to quickly if she's not ready because of advice you've received from someone completing a job sheet.

[nicename]

She sounds absolutely fine. At that age, children play alongside others - not with others if you know what I mean. Small children are rather eccentric too - she is an observer - she is just soaking it all up and watching what is going on. Nurseries can be noisy, hectic places for a chilled out child.

She has a lovely baby sister, and it is not unusual for older children to regress almost - to want to be a baby who is cuddled and cooed over. The baby doesn't have to go to nursery, dress herself or tidy up her mess!

Don't worry about it - the nursery are just being a bit over-concerned. Can you get some play dates arranged with her little friends from nursery?

[ihearpedropony]

Good idea about play dates. I want to ring tomorrow to confirm arrangements for when she is 3 so will ask then.

Thank you all. It was a bad end to the day after my earlier joy at our best drop off yet!

She is only 2. I can't believe there was a curriculum!

[Felakuti]

It is ridiculous. I had a similar thing with our nursery- I contacted my HV and took along a copy of the review which was as damning as a bad school report! The HV was very supportive and gave me some photocopies of milestones for 2-4 year olds. Having read those, I realised how inappropriate and poorly executed the nursery review was. Thoughtless and pointless- it makes you scrutinise your child too which is not very nice when they are so little.

[WillSingForCake]

Sounds just like my DD who's a similar age. She has no interest in being a 'big girl' and is quite happy developing at her own pace. She hates change just like your DD - a new article of clothing is a very big deal indeed (in a negative sense!), so god help us when DC2 arrives next month!

I've worried about it too, but try not to - have come to realise being a bit shy when you're a toddler is very normal!

[2beornot]

If that were my dd (who has just turned 3, so 2 months older than yours) I wouldn't be worried at all.

But unlike previous posters, I wouldn't disregard what the nursery have said. They can only comment on what they see of your daughter, which isn't a insignificant amount of time. Does it reflect what you see at home? Is there anyway you can help her develop socially? I do like the play date option- do you know any of the parents?

Is there a reason why she still has a dummy and nappies? Have you tried to get rid of them? Extensive use of sunny is not recommended at this age - could you limit it to sleeping only? (although I believe the dental damage it is said to cause is not irreversible)

[birdsnotbees]

My DS was very, very shy and clingy at that age, did what they called "parallel play" at nursery (they implied he should be joining in or leading games but he preferred to play alone), loved his routines, hated new things - and the nursery he went to tried to make out there was some sort of problem with him.

He's now 6, still a little shy at times but a happy, sociable little boy, advanced in language and reading, and very popular at school. It wasn't him that was wrong - the nursery he went to was shit.

If you're basically still a baby and prone to being shy - and there is nothing at all wrong with being shy - then you could either interpret that as somehow odd OR you could interpret that as a little boy or girl who probably just needs a bit more reassurance and patience than those kids who aren't so shy. Your DD needs kindness, not unhelpful labels. There's nowt wrong with her.

(I speak as someone who was and still is on occasion shy, so am passionate about defending my right, and my DS's right, to be quiet and hang back when we feel like it!!)

[birdsnotbees]

Oh, and I've only just got my DD out of nappies. She's three. So shoot me...

[cheerfultrail]

My daughter's nursery said exactly the same thing about her at Christmas. She is quite shy and I was concerned about her speech (a bit behind) and they then went on and said she never plays with anyone else etc etc. I then asked if they thought she was on the autistic spectrum and they never actually answered me. So I panicked and brought in a speech therapist specialising in autism (cost quite a bit though!)
Upshot: Speech therapist met DD and played with her for 20 mins. At the end she said there was just no way DD was in any way autistic and that her speech was fine for her age.
We have the 2 year review next week and I asked in an off-hand way recently at the nursery about DD's speech (so as to be prepared). Nursery key carer then acknowledged DD's speech had improved and that she does now engage with the other children. And they admitted she just may have been shy all along.
So hang in there - I am sure your DC is fine - just taking their time.

[iheartpedropony]

2beornot. I'm scared of getting rid of her dummy as she is very attached but know it looms.

I've done casual potty training. we read books, talk about it, give her nappy free time. We had a little success in the summer when naked from the waist down but since then she has resisted and now won't even sit on the potty.

She loves her home. Imaginative play is coming out, she sings, chatters and we do loads of drawing, cutting, sticking. Out the house she loves the park. I took her to a toddler group every Monday for nearly a year when I was off but she even now doesn't love it (gps take her now) She backs away from others if they approach her. I'm a social person so we have done loads from a young age.

Today we stayed in all morning and I let her lead the play. She loved it. I wonder sometimes if I pushed her too hard when she was young to socialise when she just wanted my attention. Hmm.

Thank you again everyone.

[iheartpedropony]

Maybe scared of getting rid of the dummy is the wrong word. I am the parent! It's going to be a hard (sleepless) slog though!

[Littlefish]

Nothing you've said would give me much cause for concern (I'm a nursery teacher).

However, could you please clarify your statement about using the dummy a lot - do you mean just at night, or during the day as well?

In my experience, if a child is used to having a dummy in their mouth during the day when there are opportunities to speak, they are often quite quiet when the dummy is removed, as they are just not as used to others at using speech during play.

I would strongly recommend that you get rid of the dummy during day time at least (if you haven't already done so), as soon as possible. I say this having had lengthy discussions with speech and language therapists and dentists about the use of dummies.

[AgnesDiPesto]

My son has autism and that is quite a different social / language presentation to shyness. He wouldn't just join in when encouraged, he also wouldn't watch the other children. You can look at MCHAT and teachmetotalk.com for speech and social milestones to reassure yourself. I wouldn't worry too much at 2 but I do think it is hard for children who only go to nursery 1 day a week to develop friendships and feel part of the group so I would think about the extra hours, and play dates too.

[Goldmandra]

When concerns are raised early you have an opportunity to spot a developmental disorder early if it is present and initiate early support. That's a precious gift.

Some people will be quick to dismiss the possibility of Autism for the wrong reasons. Plenty of professionals have told me that there is no way that my DDs have Autism because they aren't experts in that field. They are clinicians who see children with lots of disorders and have a good idea of how Autism usually presents. Luckily for my DDs, they were assessed and diagnosed by experts who knew to look past the obvious.

OP, the nursery staff aren't experts and they may well be seeing problems that are not there but I would love to go back to my DDs' preschool days knowing what I know now about High functioning Autism in girls. Take this opportunity to find out about it so you can get early support for her if she needs it. If she doesn't, there's no harm done.