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Behaviour/development

Disciplining other people's children

38 replies

Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 22:22

... ore more to the point, other people disciplining mine.

DS1 (6) was at a birthday party after school today at one of these huge soft play places. The boy whose birthday it was isn't in DS's class and tbh I'm not sure why he was invited - he never mentions his name and I have never spoken to his parents, but, hey, he wanted to go. There were about 15 of them, they had the whole place virtually to themselves and were racing around like small boys do, letting off steam and knocking each other over, coming back to base crying, being comforted and going off again on the rampage - you know the drill.

However toward the end of the party the birthday boy's dad suddenly yelled out "Oi - you lot, you one, two, three, four..." (counting four boys one of whom was my DS) ".. you've been racing around far too much and hitting each other, I want you all to go and sit at that table now and sit still for five minutes. It's not on and I'm not having it." He was shouting loud enough for the whole place to go silent and all the staff to look at each other in amazement.

The four boys all sheepishly went to the table and sat down, looking confused and embarrassed. I'm not sure what had happened, there certainly hadn't been a big fracas, but even if there had been, I think it was totally out of order for this man - who my DS has never even seen before - to start dishing out punishments. I went up to DS and told him to come to me and took him away from the table. I wanted to remonstrate with the loud father but didn't want to embarrass the kids further, so said nothing to him.

Before this both the birthday parents had been strict - telling the kids off when they stood up and walked round the table where the birthday tea was served, telling them they couldn't leave until they'd finished all the food on their plate - stuff you might say to your own child in your own kitchen - but at a 6 year old's birthday party in a neutral location to children you don't even know????

There weren't many parents there apart from me and one other mum - her child was one of the four humiliated too but she did nothing. Perhaps she was too shocked!

Am I being silly for thinking the dad's behaviour was totally OTT and inappropriate? it really upset my DS (not to the point of crying or anything, but he kept referring to 'that nasty man' on the way home). I'm not slack when it comes to discipline at all, but if I felt another person's child was misbehaving at a party and I didn't know him or his parents, the most I would do is have a quiet word and ask him to calm down, unless he was actually causing injury on purpose!

I think the kids were shocked but it seemed to have no discernible effect on their behaviour - they weren't being naughty, just high spirited, as happens at these sort of parties. I don't think there's anything else I can do about it now, other than avoid the family at all costs, but does anyone think his behaviour was acceptable? Would you have said something to him?

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stoppinattwo · 14/07/2006 22:29

It was a birthday party FFS, what did think it was boot camp. I would have slapped his stupid face for speaking to my child like that,........


OMG this has annoyed me, Wordsmith you are a better person than I for not making an unholy show of this stupid man.

It really bugs me, I know there cannot be complete disorder in these places but that is what the staff are there for, the children are there to enjoy themselves and let off steam.

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Beauregard · 14/07/2006 22:31

How strange?
I would of been well peeved and if i was fired up enough would definately have had a go at him but i would have been very shocked too.
Do make a point of informing the parents that didn't stay around to see it ,i would like to know if someone had spoken to my child like that.
stay well clear in future.

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Caligula · 14/07/2006 22:35

No his behaviour was abnormal.

I wouldn't be accepting another invitation from him.

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Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 22:37

Glad I'm not the only one. I wish I had aid something to him, but I was too surprised, to be honest. I said to DS, "Right, we're going home," but he really didn't want to leave his friends and that would have been punishing him more. I kept telling him I didn't think he had been naughty. I didn't say anything to Nazi Dad because I didn't want to embarrass the kids. I must admit I was getting a bit concerned earlier with the food drill but thought, so, some people are more strict than oithers, and all kids want to do at places like that is run around, not eat...

I was on the phone to another mum (not at the party) tonight and she was amazed I was so restrained too. I wish I hadn't been, I could have given him hell.

He's a teacher, btw. Hope he's not in a primary school or anywhere wehere the kids need encouragement (ie any school, really.)

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stoppinattwo · 14/07/2006 22:37

Come to my party but if your child step out of line whilst enjoying himself a little too much I will be forced to discipline him............ dont think so matey.

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mears · 14/07/2006 22:38

Hmmm...that father could have been me! I have has parties in the past ( no parents there I have to say) where the running around and hitting each other thing got toally out of hand. I have called order to calm things down. I am not sure what I think of this one to be honest. I cannot stand children rampaging around, party or no party. Difference is you were there Wordsmith - I wouldn't have shouted at your child. I would have expected you to do it

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Caligula · 14/07/2006 22:39

I'm shocked to hear he's a teacher.

He should be aware of better discipline methods than the one he used.

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Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 22:39

I just hope his mum comes up to me in the playground on Monday and asks "Did your DS enjoy the party?" I am composing my speech now for that unlikely eventuality.

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Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 22:41

Exactly Mears. I think it's one thing calling for a general calming down, but quite another singling out four children and making them, effectively, stand in the corner for being naughty. Shouting at them all in one go does not stigmatise any one individually.

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mears · 14/07/2006 22:41

Is it possible other children were not enjoying the party because of some children being high spirited?

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charliecat · 14/07/2006 22:42

What would have been better? If someone had of ended up with a broken nose or a bust lip from all the knocking each other over there would be a different thread entirely here.

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mears · 14/07/2006 22:44

I must admit that I was a crabbit old hag of a mother who could not stand lots of kids running around at parties. Never repeated the experience - I knew my limitations.

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moondog · 14/07/2006 22:45

sounds like my kind of guy

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nothercules · 14/07/2006 22:48

sorry,I would have stopped my ds doing that in a play area. Perhaps he got fed up.

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sparklemagic · 14/07/2006 22:51

sounds like the worst sort of teacher, the sort of person who loves the sound of their own voice and loves the 'power' trip you can have over groups of kids. There are a few like this unfortunately!

Probably the only useful, productive thing you can get out of this is to talk with your DS about choosing which parties he really wants to go to in future...he now knows that parties for the sake of a party aren't always worth it. Perhaps you can talk to him about only attending parties of people he really knows well and wants to celebrate with!

And DEFINITELY have a few choice words with the mum if you get the chance at the school gates! perhaps ask her in your best, concerned voice how her husband is now? Has he been having a tough time lately? He should have some time off work if he's finding it difficult to cope...you were so dismayed at his 'outburst' and hope she didn't feel too humiliated....has he ever had therapy to help with his anger problems???

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sparklemagic · 14/07/2006 22:54

as usual I forget to say something, meant to say that personally I expect kids to make full use of the play things at these places, but I wouldn't say that knocking eachother over, crying, etc was part of what I'd expect actually. It does sound as if things needed calming down, these places are about physical play not physical conflict that goes as far as kids being in tears; but his approach was certainly over the top.

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Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 22:54

Nothercules - his DS wasn't one of the ones he disciplined.

Mears - there was no problem with children not enjoying themselves. They were all racing around letting off steam. This wasn't in someone's house - it was a bit shed-like area designed for the purpose. I can't understand why they would choose such a place for a party and then expect the kids to sit there meekly and not run around - they're 6 year old boys fgs! Even the girls were running around.

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Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 22:58

Sparkle - these things always need calming down at some point - but there are ways and means.

When I say kids get knocked over and start crying, I don't mean they are deliberately knocking each other over - they bump into one another, they scrape a leg on the slide, they bang their head on the obstacle course and so on. Sometimes they do get into a bit of a scrap, but that's easily broken up and rarely gets to blows, IME.

DS had his 6th birthday party at the same place and it was totally knackering for the parents but the kids just enjoyed letting off steam!

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Caligula · 14/07/2006 22:59

Well before you yell at kids, you do actually have to make them aware that they're misbehaving. Hysterical over-excited six year olds aren't necessarily aware that they're OTT. It sounds like his outburst came out of the blue, without any warning. If these 4 boys had been hitting other boys, and racing around like mentalists, why weren't they told before in a normal voice? If they had been, they might have calmed down and he wouldn't have felt the need to yell at them.

Having said that, those places make everyone mad, so perhaps he's not normally like that.

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charliecat · 14/07/2006 23:00

He told them to sit down. What was so barbaric about that?

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Caligula · 14/07/2006 23:01

He yelled at them charliecat. So loudly that the staff were embarrassed.

That's different from telling.

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charliecat · 14/07/2006 23:02

if he had of SAID it noone would have heard him.

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Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 23:04

The point is Caligula, I don't think they were OTT for a soft play place. You're right, they make people mad, but they weren't hurting anyone and they were just "being boys"!

I don't condone bad behaviour and certainly come down on DS like a ton of bricks if he's upsetting or hurting his friends. I would have been the first to chastise him if this were the case. I think you're right though, the dad had just had enough of what he saw as "naughty boys" and grabbed the first four he saw.

The point is, even if they had been kicking the shit out of each other, yes I would tell them off but not humiliate hem in front of their friends - and I certainly would ask the parent to deal with it first!

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Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 23:06

Sorry charliecat - they would ahve hear him if he'd gone up to them and dealt with them at close range. And they would have heard him because they were the only 15 kids in the place, which normally has about 150!

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CristinaTheAstonishing · 14/07/2006 23:09

Someone disciplined my son yesterday and told me about it. The only thing that surprised me was that she bothered to let me know, of course I agreed and thanked her too. However, this guy sounds like he interefred just for the sake of it, no one was being hurt, no one complained, he just thought enough was enough. I mean, what else are 6 year olds supposed to do at softplay centres? If they can't be rough in the padded environment there, where can they be?

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