telling lies

[zamed]

My eight year old is going through a patch of telling lies - quite serious ones. This week there's been a book fayre in school and she wanted to know if she could buy one...it cost £9.99. Three different titles were offered for this rather expensive book...none of which turned out to be the right one - it was not a book at all, but a game. I said 'no', citing the expense as the reason.
That night, her £10 birthday money disappeared - she'd taken it to her room ready for school the next morning. She was told off, and again given reasons for not spending £10 on a book - (needing her money for the coming holidays being one of the reasons).
At parents' evening the next day I discovered she had indeed bought this game!
At home, when questioned about the location of the money, she said she didn't know, it wasn't upstairs, she thought she'd lost it. When I confessed to knowing exactly where it was, she was given a chance to admit what she'd done with it and she 'fessed up.
However, the point is, she'd lied and gone behind my back several times and gone ahead and taken the money. i know it was here money, but she'd been told directly and specifically that she could not buy this game.
She was not embarrassed at being found out, nor did she seem particularly sorry. she's a child who cries quite easily and this did not elicit a single tear. She said sorry - but only when asked to, and didn't sound as if she meant it. She's been grounded until the end of next week and banned from watching tv.
HELP - any suggestions how to get through to her the importance of telling the truth? (this is not the first time it has happened, yes we've had the story of the boy who cried wolf, and she does understand that telling lies is wrong). What do I do?

[soapbox]

Well this isn't really a story about telling the truth or not is it?

It is a story about not following what she has been told - the lying is rather incidental isn't it?

I do think that possibly you were a bit harsh at the outset - I think when children get birthday money then to a certain extent they should spend it on what they want - and really, I can't think of a better way of spending it than on a book. I'd be delighted if my DD - also 8YO - wanted to spend her money on a book.

Nevertheless, for whatever reason, you felt that you didn't want her to do this. And I am rather shocked that she went ahead and did it anyway!

So the problem is not about lying, it is about her respecting you and doing as you say. I think you need to tackle that one. There would be no need for her to lie if she hadn't gone against your wishes

[zamed]

normally, my children ARE allowed to spend birthday money as they wish, but in this case it was either spend it all now or save it for hols...and I know there would be tears later if she spent it now and had none left later...and explained this to her...for all the good it did!
And it WASN'T a book - it was some kind of electronic game. Books I don't usually object to - being a teacher, we have enough to set up our own small library at home!
Anyway, any suggestions on how to deal with it? I don't seem to be able to get thru to her (she's 8 by the way).

[shimmy21]

In this situation I would probably confiscate the game for a certain period of time and explain that you are doing this because she bought the game against your wishes. Then tell her how she can earn back the right to play with it by good behaviour e.g. doing an extra chore. In the meantime she has to show you that you can trust her by telling the truth..bla,bla, drone, drone, boring mother alert!

[soapbox]

Zamed - I think the only real way of dealing with it is do let her suffer the consequences.

She has spent the money now - so let her enjoy her game and take it on holiday with her.

Whilst she is on holiday do not give her any spending money (beyond what you give any other children you have) and she will realise first hand what the consequences of spending her money on the game brings!

I think you need to deal with the lack of respect for your specific instructions on a day to day hard slog basis. If you ask her to do something, then she does it or you withdraw something she enjoys doing. In our house it is a half hour electronic ban (no computer/tv/gameboys) if you get 3 1/2 bans in a day then you lose it for the whole day. You have to apply it consistently though - and ruthlessly every time, even if her favourite TV prog of the week is about to start

We have a short list of 3 things which leads to a ban, pinned up on the wall of their playroom. 1. fighting, 2.using inappropriate language (stupid, idiot and shut up) and 3. not listening to what an adult tells them to do.

Good luck