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Behaviour/development

Chewed-up, angry & upset by toddler's behaviour...and DH's reaction

27 replies

MagicGenie · 11/07/2006 21:15

Apologies in advance - a bit long and rambly - and has probably already been covered a zillion times before.

I'm a SAHM with an 18mo DS. He is happy, chilled-out and affectionate by nature but has hit that dreaded stage of wanting to assert his independence etc.

This has manifested itself - literally over the last 3 or 4 days - in throwing things, getting stroppy, biting and nipping (both DH and I) and pulling my hair.

Despite previously being able to give good (hopefully!), objective advice to other MNers on similar subjects, I'm finding it a bit tough going myself .

The strops and throwing I can handle. The more physical stuff upsets me. Particularly since they're accompanied by a glinty-eyed giggle. And for some reason it's the hair-pulling that really gets me the most.

DH and I have agreed our 'strategy' for dealing with it, which is to say firmly and calmly, 'Don't nip/bite/pull, it hurts' and then ignore him for a while. Followed by lots of praise for good behaviour etc.

I'm able to get through it by just doing it, putting on a 'brave face' and having a private 'harumph' with DH afterwards. As there are particular things that set DS off (nappy changing, getting dressed, bedtime), we've also agreed on changes to try and make these times a bit more 'manageable'.

However, deep down I'm so upset because I can't help but take it personally.

With my sensible head on, I know this daft and it's a stage he's going through, they all go through it etc etc.

But I can't manage to keep focussed on that.

Both DH and I had a particularly rough afternoon/evening with DS and I were chatting about it earlier. Through a quivery lip I called DS (quote) 'a little git' which DH didn't appreciate and it has caused a row.

DH, (superior, demi-god that he is) got very defensive of DS and tried to explain that it's not done on purpose, DS doesn't understand, I shouldn't call him names etc.

I snapped back that 'little git' was mild considering how I was feeling, and that I'm entitled to feel hurt and angry at DS's actions. I don't smack him or anything like that so a good old rant is the best venting I get!

Anyway - to cut a long story short, I'm really upset byt eh whole thing. S'pose my questions to all you MNers are;

  1. How can I put my emotions in one box and deal with DS's behaviour in the other?
  2. How long does the message take to get through that pulling my hair etc is unacceptable?
  3. Am I being out-of-order by being angry by DH's reaction to me being upset, or am I truly married to a demi-god?!

    TIA
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snowleopard · 11/07/2006 21:28

I sympathise MagicGenie, sometimes you just get cross, even if you know you shouldn't. You're not hitting him - you can keep a lid on it, you only called him a name, and luckily at this stage he won't understand. My DS is 13 mo and getting to the stroppy/biting/hair pulling bit - it'll probably get worse so I know I can't really know how you feel et. But a few tricks I've used so far are: call him a name that really isn't angry or negative, like "silly sausage" or say "what are you like?" - even if you're feeling angry, it helps it to come out nicer. Also I was really getting wound up by a friend's whining, demanding DS recently - then it later turned out he had a really painful ear infection. When DS is really going for it with the shrieking etc. I now try to say to myself he might be feeling ill or have a headache - of course he probably hasn't but it helps me step back and not feel so annoyed with him.

I can see why your DH's reaction is making you feel bad but he is right - sorry! On the other hand your feelings are totally understandable. Try to be happy this is what your DH is like and he's not some nasty, violent or otherwise horrible father.

And save it up and rant on MN!

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HonorMatopoeia · 11/07/2006 21:35

oh MG, I could have written this myself chick. Infact have posted several threads about Dd (17 months) and her new found love of hitting / biting / throwing. I think if you can work out a way to put your emotions in one box then you need to market it - I'm not sure it's possible. I take Dd's behaviour personally too, in the end I suppose that is because I see myself as her teacher when it comes to behaviour so any lapse is, in my mind, obviously down to an inadequacy on my part. I think I get angry with myself more than her - kind of a 'what have I done wrong now?' moment if you like. I think the trick is to carry on with the 'No hitting' and then, vent in an enclosed space - I have even been found putting Dd in her cot during the day so I can bawl my eyes out in another room for five minutes.
I'm afraid I can't help with question 2 (although it is debatable as to whether or not I have helped at all with question 1! More of a sympathetic answer me thinks!) Dd continues to pull hair etc. I suppose you have to think, what 15 year old have you seen pulling hair (apart from during scraps!)they must grow out of it eventually!
I would say that you are ok to be upset with your Dh's response. I'm trying to think of a way to put this because I suppose I can see where he's coming from. When I spend my days at work (I'm part time) I find I'm a whole lot more tolerant with Dd because I haven't spent the day with her iyswim! If I've spent my day with her then she's had time to wind me up and I do 'break' mre on these days. Please don't think Im saying you're not tolerant - I don't think you can have a toddler and not be tolerant! But, his reaction is not helping you. Can you sit down and tell him how it's making you feel?
God this has been a rambling answer and I'm not sure I've answered anything! I'll go away now

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MagicGenie · 11/07/2006 21:36

Yeah - I usually read and lurk and only post if I've got something really valuable to say but I had to get this one out!

By the way, I should have made it clearer...DS was actually in bed asleep when I called him a little git...I said it during discussions with DH about DS.

Would never say it to his face!

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wannaBe1974 · 11/07/2006 21:37

firstly, you really have to not take it personally. virtually every child goes through some kind of resistance phase. not all pull hair and bite, but they all do something that their parents don't necessarily like. You have a couple more years of this ahead, going from what he's doing now, to tantrums at 2, and defiance at 3 (will let you know what happens at 4 as that delight awaits me in six months or so). If you continually take it personally then you have at least another two years of upset ahead of you, and really this is just normal toddler behavior.

Secondly, when he plays up to the point of upsetting you, the best thing to do is take a deep breath, count to 10, and say "it's a phase, it will pass". if he really makes you angry, then walk away. to another room if you have to, take several deep breaths and then go back. your ds will learn that you don't take this behavior and that he will be ignored, and you will have had a chance to calm down.

thirdly, yes I think that your dh has a right to be upset over you calling your ds a git. I do understand your motivation, but reality is that he is just a baby and doesn't know any better yet. it is up to you as parents to teach him and with your guidance he will learn right from wrong. Recently a poster posted a topic calling her dd a "little cow" and I can tell you that it was not received well by the majority on here.

You and your dh need to work together to manage his behavior, not fall out over it, the more united you are, the easier it will be to tackle. good luck

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HonorMatopoeia · 11/07/2006 21:37

Oh and I meant to say...I've called Dd a lot worse, I feel very guilty for doing so but it has slipped out once or twice.

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Nemo1977 · 11/07/2006 21:38

Magicgenie sympathies first..I dont think any mother has not been tried by their toddler and wanted to call them some name or other..the thing is your dh is right he doesnt mean it in the way you think. Toddlers are trying to assert themselves and learn the boundaries and if you call him names and retaliate in any way you are only making more problems for yourself when you have a older child who will not respect you. Not out of order being upset as you are only human and I sometimes think when you have to deal with it all day it can be hard to stop yourself. When my ds is being a little tinker I will remove him from the situation by using time out.. I have done this from him being 18mths old. He is now 2.9yrs and it is reinforced by a behaviour chart now.I know it seems an eternity but your ds will stop pulling your hair etc, he may move onto other things which wind you up in other ways as he is a toddler trying to learn his boundaries.

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NotQuiteCockney · 11/07/2006 21:39
  1. I think venting about these sorts of things is healthy, in a way. Particularly when your DS isn't underfoot (I assumed, from the original post, that you hadn't called him that to his face, btw). You're acknowledging that you are angry about this. If you pretend you're not angry, it will come out in other ways (rough handling etc).


2. It takes a while. By then, he will have found other ways to annoy you. Just make pulling your hair etc boring, and distract him with other things.

3. Your DH is being an arse. It would be better if he were sympathetic. He's right in what he says, but he's not really supporting you, is he. Does your DH ever manage your DS on his own for an extended period? Perhaps now is a good time, given how understanding your DH is of your DS!
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SSSandy · 11/07/2006 21:41

It's easier to deal with at home but when you're out and about, it's just a nightmare. No doubt about it. This is in fact readjusting me back out of my broody phase. Good work!

In her quiet moments, I showed dd how to kick the wall when she felt grumpy about something or hammer on the floor (on the rug) or a mattress. (This as opposed to her natural instinct which was to bang her head on the door, floor, table, my head).

At home, I just left the room and left her to it and only went back in the room when she'd finished to cuddle her, since they say it shocks them as much as us and they even get frightened by their own feelings sometimes.

It's bliss when it stops though and you have this friendly funny little friend all of a sudden.

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IamBlossom · 11/07/2006 21:44

My god if you can't call your own son a name (and an innocuous one at that) to your own DH, completely out of earshot of your DS in your own home, when the bloody hell CAN you vent!!!! If there was a law against that I'd be in for life!!! Think you're DH is being incredibly sanctimonious.

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MagicGenie · 11/07/2006 21:44

All - thanks for your very prompt posts. The tears are subsiding.

HonorMat - I know exactly what you mean about seeing it all as a failure in your part. That's what I say to myself in daft, non-sensible moments.

NQC - indeed, as I was quick to point out, no I didn't say it to his face. Wouldn't either, obviously. Just don't wanna be made to feel guilty about feeling angry.

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JoshandJamie · 11/07/2006 21:51

To me you sound like a dream mum. My child drives me up the wall most days and I am hard pressed not to lose my cool. The only way I survive it is to let it out with my DH and have a big fat rant. Often times he gets his sanctimonious hat on but then I say: ok, I;m going to the spa all day on Saturday, you take care of two kids on your own. Ta ra.

And without fail, I have come back to a seething husband who is ready to call them any name under the sun.

So don't sweat it - and book yourself into a spa.

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MagicGenie · 11/07/2006 21:54

J&J - like your thinking!

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snowleopard · 11/07/2006 22:07

Magic Genie my post was entirely based on thinking you'd called him a name to his face. He was asleep!!? For goodness sake, your DH was being sanctimonious! Sorry I misunderstood. The things your DH said are still right, but everyone should be allowed to let off steam after the person who's been pulling their hair all day has gone to bed! I have said things to DP about DS such as "he was a stroppy git all day today" and would expect that to be understood as letting out frustration.

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hettie · 12/07/2006 08:46

You sound brilliant! As everyone has said- its not about you. In fact if you?re the one who looks after him most of the time, then the frustration/boundry testing will definitely be aimed your way?..
Does you DH spend days looking after him? Because he doesn?t sound very appreciative of how hard it is! I mean really! How supercilious! Different story if you?d said it infront of your son but?? he is of course right, he is just being a toddler, but how about a bit of sympathetic support along the lines of yeah I know it?s a nightmare and such hard work??.
To be honest my vote would be to take a 4 day holiday and leave him to be Mr angelic patience!

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Astrophe · 12/07/2006 09:30

It is SO hard not to take it personally isn't it? Because you put so much in and it is personal for you. But try to remember that what he is doing is textbook toddler, and if he wasn't doing things to assert his independence there would be something wrong!

As for 'little git', I dare not post what we call ours

(its nothing really nasty btw so please don't anyone come on and harrass me)

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hettytucker · 12/07/2006 09:42

Hi - I agree with the maj of posters here - you are well within your rights as a sahm to vent after a hard day... the way i feel about some of my 23 month sons behaviour sometimes shocks me! Although my feelings are mainly down to sleep deprivation due to dear daughter 3 months... toddlers are incredibly demanding as well as rewarding and if a child you love is hitting you it is difficult to remain understanding at all times. I bet your dh moans when he has had a hard day at the office - why should you be any different? My hub is usually sympathetic but I have to remind him that ds behaviour is not personal and that there is no point shouting at ds because he just laughs - dh even takes dd colic crying personally! So i have the opp problem in a way...

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Bozza · 12/07/2006 09:53

I agree with the general consensus. You are doing fine. Your DH was being patronising and unhelpful. Of course, you know that DS doesn't understand, he is just testing things out. A lecture was not what you needed. And FWIW I have called both my children "little gits" to DH in private. And I do not feel even remotely guilty about that. Of course, they are both fabulous and I love them to bits, but they have also been known to press one or two buttons from time to time.

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geekgrrl · 12/07/2006 10:14

little git? I've called my ds a little 'something-else-ending-in-it' many times out of earshot when venting to my dh - you've got to be able to let off steam when you're with you dh and the children can't hear you, FGS!

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Bozza · 12/07/2006 10:29

Twit?

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MagicGenie · 12/07/2006 11:00

Aw...thanks all. I really appreciate you posting.

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doobydoo · 12/07/2006 11:08

You should be able to call ds 'a little git'when speaking to your dp.It's not like you said it to your ds.It's hard enough having to be in control and sensible with a toddler all day,without having to watch what you say to your dp in the evening.You have to be able to let off steam at the end of a long day.

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Toots · 12/07/2006 12:45

MG - agree with so much that has been said. You will say much worse as he gets older and I bet DH will too. He needs to understand that you need to be able to say absolutely everything that's on your mind and not be judged and that you will do the same for him. It would be in the job description if there was one. Should be anyway.

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eggybreadandbeans · 13/07/2006 03:32

Hi MG. Some great posts. Can really relate to you. Ds has just turned two, and it's taken us months to get his throwing under control.

To your questions ...

(1) Am with Honour and Astrophe on this one. I find it very difficult to detach myself emotionally from ds's behaviour. I'm a sensitive soul, and do take some of his off-moments personally. It's understandble why we do, too: our kids are to some extent the "result" of our daily efforts, like a project/report/presentation/whatever would be in a work context. If we did a shit presentation at work, we'd likely think we messed up a bit, wouldn't we? So I think this way of thinking/feeling is pretty understandable - as long as it's not most of the time.

(2) Re: messages getting through, ds learned to throw - and learned that he loved throwing - a year or so ago. We didn't say no to throwing per se - forbidden fruit and all, and he's got a great throw! - but said in simple words that we throw soft things. We've more recently talked about how throwing hard things can break things or hurt people, which he really picks up on - doesn't like hurting people. And we try to help him manage his anger in ways other than throwing. It really is starting to work now. He throws occasionally in anger, and then says: "I don't like throwing my tractor. It hurt Daddy." So he's developing a conscience - that's the main thing. So what I'm saying is that, I know when you're in the thick of it, it seems unending; you worry about how they'll turn out! But with time and consistency, it really does get better.

Also, a great tip someone gave me is to talk to kids in terms of how what they do influences your feelings - based on the idea that all humans, deep down, care about how other people feel. Sounds a bit airy fairy, but sometimes - well, more now than ever now ds is older - works. E.g. "When you bite Mummy, I feel hurt/sad/upset," and, "When you throw your tractor, I feel scared it will hit someone and hurt them." Ds is really starting to pick up this kind of talk now. He's becoming quite empathic! [proud mummy emoticon]

(3) You're definitely not being out of order. You know that, deep down, you agree with what dh is saying - and he knows you know too, so is patronising you. He doesn't need to say it. He just needs to listen to your understandable rant, thoughtfully out of earshot of ds, and empathise. Definitely time for him to care for ds on his tod for a looong time, I think. (FWIW, we have called ds a little b*gger, out of earshot of course.)

You sound like you're doing a great job, and care enormously about your parenting. HTH. Good luck.

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MagicGenie · 14/07/2006 11:38

Eggybread - what a lovely post, thank you.

Stuff that all of you have said has been really helpful.

I've tried really hard this week not to get so uptight about DS's behaviour and hey presto...things are improving already.

I've noticed that he has a mini throwing/nippng/biting strop if he sets out to do something but can't. I tend to come in and finish what he's started - without explaining what I'm doing - which frustrates him. So, I'm rectifying that when possible.

I've also been really listening and watching him more carefully and noticed he also gets frustrated when he can't communicate what he wants. But he's happy to go through a list of things til we get it right (Did you mean this? Shake head. This? Shake head. This? Nod vigourously!)

In the process I've discovered he has loads more words in his vocab than I thought and is trying more out every day.

Nappy changing is the bug bear. He doesn't want to be carted upstairs to his changing mat so we've brought changing stuff downstairs too. Doesn't make a massive difference - the fact of the matter is he doesn't want to be interrupted by boring matters such as having his nappy changed - but...there's not a lot I can do about that, can I?!

Suffice to say I'm very pleased with myself - and him, obviously! (Proud emoticon!)

Before you start reaching for your sick buckets (!), I'm also very pleased to report that I've got my first weekend off ever this weekend. It has been arranged for a long time and I cannot wait. Let's see how DH gets on! Hangover here I come!

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shimmy21 · 14/07/2006 11:59

Hi MG - I bet your dh will find that some choice vocabulary may spring to his mind when he spends the whole weekend being the sole carer of a toddler asserting his independence!

One tip - dh and I have both discovered that we have limits when dealing with our darling dss. We have a pact that if one of us says -'That's it. Please take over NOW!' We do (i.e. whoever was being the back seat parent takes control), no recriminations or questions asked. It has really helped me calm down when I am at exploding point. We all have a breaking point and your dh needs to recognise that your letting off steam to him is normal.

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