Don't go mum, don't go - please help (v long)

[Straightforward]

I'm at my wits end. DD is 4 and I'm about to have another baby any day now (so realise I'm being very hormonal and sensitive about this, but still...)

DD has been going to the same preschool for 2 years now. She started off doing 3 mornings a week and for the last year has been doing all 5. On and off during this time she has had phases of not letting me go. Sometimes it's mild - just a comment or whatever, but for the last few months (and some other times pre-pregnancy) it has been full-on, all the way to school, howling and clinging to my leg so that she has to be physically prised off me, all the time screaming 'don't go mum, don't go'.

Thing is, I KNOW that she is happy there. She has ALWAYS stopped crying as soon as I've left the room (literally within 10 seconds apart from one time when she was ill). I can't drag her away from the place at the end of the session and her teachers and friends all agree that, once I've gone, she's a happy, confident little soul.

We've talked about this endlessly together. I've bribed her and told her off, I've praised her to the hilt on the odd occasion that she has let me go without a fuss. All she will tell me is 'well, I just don't want you to go', but she understands that she has a better time when I've gone, that I love her very much, and that she doesn't have to say these things to 'prove' she loves me etc, but nothing works. And then suddenly, for no apparent reason, historically she's come through and not fussed for weeks on end.

I try really hard not to react (but obviously she knows it gets to me), but today was her last proper day at the school and she started it up with all bells and whistles right in the middle of the doorway with everyone trying to get round her. I'm really to admit I just lost it (v hormonal) and said 'for god's sake, it's your last day child, just get in!', and attempted to manoeuvre her in myself by grabbing her hand. I must have been a lot more rough than I'd meant to be because she started screaming and screaming that I'd hurt her. All the parents and teachers there looked really shocked and one of the teachers took her off me without looking me in the eyes. Then DD just sobbed on her shoulder and wouldn't say goodbye or look at me when I was trying to say sorry.

I just have been crying since. I alternate between feeling angry with her for putting this show on every morning just to get a reaction, and really really guilty for leaving her when she's begging me not to.

I'm really scared about what's going to happen when she starts school in September and there won't be loads of helpers who 'get' her and I'll have a small baby to deal with too.

In every other way she's a really happy confident girl, and those who know her can hardly believe she's like this. She also clings to me physically during parties (even if it's all her friends) and any time DH and I go out she gets hysterical - again, to calm down AS SOON as we've gone out the door.

What can I do? We've got a school taster session on Thursday and I know she'll cling to me the whole time. What about September and going to school? Am I the worst mum in the world for what happened today? And do I hold the record for the longest post in history...?

[Straightforward]

bump - anyone, please....?

[Straightforward]

c'mon guys, please don't let me down

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Kif]

Cliche alert (ahem)...

"With kids, when it's good, enjoy it, 'cos it won't last... and when it's bad, it won't last either."

It may well be something that passes with age - and i think it is fortuious timing that you've a summer holiday to 'relax her' a little bit.

[Beauregard]

Sorry to hear you have been left feeling so stressed it's completely understandable it would be enough to drive anyone up the wall!
I cant really offer any advice but at least it will give you a bump.
Has the behaviour increased in the last month?
I only ask because we had trouble with dd1 just before i had dd2 .
Hope someone can advise you

[mumatuks]

No you are not the worst mum in the world. You are the mum of a very clever little girl who knows how to make her mum feel guilty!
I'm not surprised you lost it, and it's typical that everyone judges you on that one incident, rather than all the other mornings when you've remaind calm.
September is a little way off yet, and yet again she will have matured and grown in her understanding of mummy leaving her. Personally, I'd cross that bridge when I get to it.
I'd ignore the pleas and cries, carry on what you are doing. you know DD is happy, content and well looked after. Don't beat yourself up, this time will pass quickly, it just feels like forever right now. I'm sorry I can't offer more practical help, but just wanted to say please don't feel bad.

[NikkiH]

Having been through this myself to some extent - and having lost my cool and been rougher than intended too - I really really feel for you! I have a four year old DS who more often than not clings to me when I take him to school nursery although when his childminder takes him he goes in without any problem, sorts himself out and waves goodbye to her! I know this because I checked with his teacher and she said it's all to do with making mum feel guilty about leaving him!

Come September I'm planning on making a big deal about him being a big boy and starting big school, being with his friends etc and not needing mummy at school. If he still clings when I have to leave him we'll bring back the star chart to reward him for letting me go without a fuss and failing that he can go with his big brother on walking bus without me and one of my friends (who he also knows) will take him in!

Do you have a friend who could take your DD to school for you especially in the early days when you have a new baby to contend with too? You could make a big thing about how big she is to be going to school with her friend and how you want to hear all about it when you pick her up later?

[sugarfree]

Ds2 was exactly the same as your dd when he was at playgroup.I was dreading school,really dreading it.When we went in for the taster day he was the only one who wouldn't sit on the floor for a story or go and play with the games.
But when he had to start properly without me,he was fine,I've never heard him say that he doesn't want to go and after a holiday he's always keen to go back.
Try not to worry about what's ahead,it is a total waste of energy,September is a long way away yet.

[Kif]

I would pose that - perhaps - if you promote school as a 'big girl' thing, she might behave accordingly.

Perhaps you could make a new start, indicating that it is not acceptable or correct to make that much fuss.

Can you promote some friendships in her class? I'm thinking so she doesn't want to lose face in front of her peers by making a fuss.

IYSWIM in pre-school I think there is more'sympathy' for crying kids, which may just result in the behaviour not being nipped in the bud.

BTW - I do see why you're upset - and i don't think you're a bad mum. I think your Dd has found a weak point and she's exploiting it, int he wau that kids do. So just a queston of 'managing her' without getting too upset yourself, thinking she's unhappy.

My Dh always says 'of course she's rather spend time with you - and wants to make sure you know. DOesn't mean she's unhappy. So i just advise keeping everything consistent, inevitable, and positive when school starts in Septemeber.

[flashingnose]

It's when she's coming out crying that you have to worry! IME, the best way to deal with this is to be brisk and no-nonsense. Speak to the school in advance and work out with them the best way of dealing with it if it happens (she may surprise you - let's face it, she must be feeling very unsure of things at the moment, what with leaving nursery and a new baby about to arrive any minute). My dd1 is doing this at the moment - I've spoken to one of the Teaching Assistants who peels her off me every morning (and she is screaming, believe me) and takes her in quickly. I know that within 2 minutes the little monkey is running around happily [exasperated emoticon].

Please don't beat yourself up - you're not the first and won't be the last and anyone who witnessed you this morning would have been averting their eyes in sympathy rather than judgement.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[flashingnose]

dd1 is 5, btw, so just finishing Rception.

[Straightforward]

Thanks so much. It's such a relief to find out I'm not the only one!

Have calmed down somewhat now. Think I'll just take some rescue remedy with me on Thursday to the school session and do what you guys have suggested and try not to worry about September until it happens.

They have home visits from the school the week before they start, so I think that will be when I raise it with her teacher and see what she suggests.

Thanks again. Will keep you posted on how it goes come September!

[flashingnose]

Good luck . When you raise it with the teacher, don't do it in front of your dd though.

[piglit]

And don't be so hard on yourself. You're about to have another baby fgs! I remember just before ds2 was born I was consumed with guilt that I wouldn't be able to devote all my time and attention to ds1 (and he was only 12 months old). Never underestimate the power of those pg hormones.

[wannaBe1974]

you are certainly not alone. a couple of weeks ago I lost it with ds (3.7) because he'd been absolutely fine up to the door of preschool and then started crying for apparently no reason. some days he's fine, some days he cries, and yes, sometimes it really does annoy me because I know that he's fine once I've left. This day he'd been going on about going etc, and then started, so I just shouted at him. am sure some looked at me somewhat judgingly but such is life.

Children are very manipulative, and they generally just know which buttons to push.

[youknowwhat]

I have read somewhere that children are actually reacting to the arrival of a new baby BEFORE the birth. Things are already changing and they can feel it. DS1 was a nighmare before DS2 was born, for the following 2 months and then started to setlle down.
I think she knows it is annoying you when acting like this and is using it.
Re your reaction at preschool, I would like to tell a story. When I was little, about 5 or 6 yo, I didn't want to give my hand to my mum when crossing the road. So each time, I was just screaming 'YOU ARE HURTING ME !!!'. Same reaction from people around us than for you at the nursery but I can also remember that my mum never ever hurted me.. . So I would not worry about it too much. You might have overreacted a bit but your daughter might have overreacted too..

[Orinoco]

Message withdrawn

[UCM]

My DS started doing this when I was leaving him at the CMs, I just walk away. 30 seconds later he is fine. Yes, it's crap, but but cos I know he is alright really, it sticks in my mind for about 35 seconds as I begin to get in work mode.

I definitely think that you are feeling more sensitive because you are pg. I am only 3 months pg and things that really really wouldn't normally upset me are magnified by 1000% at the moment.

Take no notice of the assistant, she was just doing the best thing and probably didn't look you in the eye because she was concentrating on your DS. Also everyone stared because they probably felt sorry for you, not because they thought you were a bad mummy. We have all done it thinking 'there but for the grace of God go I.... They even probably wanted to offer you a hand but were scared of interfering..... Please don't feel bad.

[Straightforward]

Thanks again for your support (and Orinoco, I think you expressed what you meant really well actually! - thanks)

Thought I'd just update you on DD's taster session at school this morning - I stayed (as we were meant to), but after about 20 mins, DD said 'let's go outside' as I was talking to another mum. When I didn't go immediately, she went anyway and started playing alongside, and then with, some other kids!!!! I could barely contain my amazement! I took the opportunity to have a word with the teaching assistant about my concerns for September without DD hearing, and she was really understanding and reassuring, so I'm feeling lots better!

[Posey]

Really pleased to hear today went well. I only saw your original post just now and have been immensely reassured for my own ds who will start at the school nursery in September. I am dreading it but am keeping up a very positive front for ds, playing on the big boy bit and how great it will be going to dd's school. He agrees! We'll just wait and see.

PS No doubt there will be a support thread going come September for all of us waving off our LOs and coping with the guilt

[Straightforward]

Hope so Posey - let's start one if not!

[Orinoco]

Message withdrawn

[stoppinattwo]

im for that straightforward, am absolutely dredding Sept, not for DD she's so up for it it's untrue, I will just be a big bag of poo. I just know I'll end up wanting another and then I'll have to change my name to Stoppinatthree. and i dont even know how to change my name >

[sparklemagic]

I have this with my DS at the moment at pre-school and just wanted to add my sympathy! DS has been going 3 mornings a week for a year and still has huge tears when I go.

I think Orinoco hit the nail on the head, for some children it's the transition between things that's so hard...so I do try to forget it when I've left him as I know it isn't really a problem as such. I think it's to do with a thoughtful, sensitive child, and to do with them liking being at home - a compliment to mum really I think! There's a boy at DS' pre-school whose mum is just awful. the first thing I ever heard her say was a threat to smack him and this is the way she deals with him all the time; he has no problem making the transition to pre-school each morning - quel surprise!

I too am trying not to pre-judge how September will go. Best of luck, straightforward!