DS (almost 4) suddenly not wanting to go to nursery

[Tex111]

DS has been going to the same nursery three mornings a week since Sept and has really loved it. Last Monday he cried when DH left him and has thrown a fit every morning when taken to school since then. This morning he was screaming and throwing such a fit before we even started out the door that it frightened me.

How do I know if this is something serious or just one of those things? When I've asked him why he doesn't want to go he has said that he's afraid one of the boys will hit him and that his special friend is gone. I've spoken to the teacher about the little boy (who is a known bully) and she reassured me and DS that she will keep an eye on things on the playground. DS seemed happy with that response. As for his special friend leaving, she has left because she's starting primary in Sept. What can I do to help DS with this transition and are these two things enough to cause such an extreme reaction?
I fear I've made a monumental mistake by keeping him home today but aside from forcibly dragging him to school I didn't know what else to do. No amount of talk or bribery made any difference. I feel really concerned and not sure how to handle the situation.

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

IMO you responded well, You took his concerns seriously and showed him that he can trust you to keep him emotionally (and phsyically) safe. This might be enough to reassure him and maybe he'll want to go back now. Perhaps do something rather boring today at home?

[Tex111]

DS has just cried because he says he's bored and wants to go to school. When I said that he could go tomorrow he responded with 'NO, I don't want to go to school ever again'!! Feel very confused.

Cristina, I agree with you about taking DS's concerns seriously but he seems so confused about how he feels. Do you have any advice on getting to the heart of the problem or is he just too young to explain his feelings?

What other signs would there be if there was something seriously wrong at the school?

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

Being bullied or scared of being picked on is serious enough so there's probably nothing more than that and the fact he misses his friend. Is there someone else at nursery he gets on well with, you could say X or all the children might have missed him today. Give him some more time today, he might talk some more about it.

[Tex111]

Rang nursery and spoke to DS's teacher. She suggested that letting DS stay home this morning has allowed him to 'have one up' on me. She also said that on Friday, after speaking to her about the possibility of bullying, she noticed that DS sought out the child in question and constantly tried to play with him. She also said that the special friend is at nursery today (I was told previously that she had left) and suggested that I bring DS in late today.

In the end, though there were more tears, I took DS to nursery. I feel so confused about it and I know that I've handled the situation badly this morning. I ended up sitting in the car park and crying.

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

Please don't feel bad. I think you did what your heart told you, which was that your DS was distressed and wanted to be at home. We all have off days and isn't it lovely that at this age they can still actually take them?

[wannaBe1974]

I think it's not uncommon for kids to go through stages of not wanting to go to nursery/preschool etc. My ds still cries sometimes when I leave him, not serious screaming fits but crying none the less, and yet he loves going to nursery. How is your ds when you've gone? has the teacher mentioned whether he continually cries/is upset? or does he settle once you're out of sight? And how is he when you pick him up - does he seem happy/seem to have enjoyed himself?

Little things can quite easily unsettle a child. I've (unwisely I know now) mentioned to my ds that he won't be going to nursery after september as he'll be doing 5 mornings at preschool, and since then he's seemed more unsettled/reluctant to go at all, and yet as soon as I've left he settles down without any problems.

It's always worth talking to your ds, ask him whether something has happened at nursery to upset him, but try not to put words in his mouth as at this age they can often just latch on to something and agree with you. Also, whenever I drop my ds off and he's crying I don't pander to it at all, just give quick kiss/cuddle "mummy see you later", and walk away. I know it's hard, but I learned very quickly that the longer you stay and pander to the crying, the worse it will be. good luck x

[Tex111]

Hi Wannabe, DS does seem to be fine after I leave and he's always had a good time when I come to pick him up. The teachers say that he has been a bit quiet over the last week but otherwise OK. After speaking to the teacher a bit more she seems to think it might be related to my sister visiting from the States. It does seem to coincide.

His reaction just seems all out of proportion but DS is my first and I know I have a lot to learn.

[flack]

What the nursery teacher said sounds very annoying to me.
"One up on you", like you shouldn't respond to your child's needs and wishes??
As for seeking out the child who seems to bully him, he's trying to work out their problems and be friends with him. Is that so bad? Is he supposed to be wiser than that at 3yo?

[Tex111]

Flack, yes, I found the 'one up' comment a bit annoying. It's not as if I'm keeping score with DS. As for playing with the bully, another mum from DS's class thinks that the boys are attracted to the bully because he's such a big presence. I can see her viewpoint and hers. I think part of DS's issue is hurt feelings because he'd like to be friends with the child but, unfortunately, the child isn't very nice to him.

After thinking about it all morning I think another issue is that I'm feeling generally overwhelmed right now. I have an 8 month old and it seems I've suddenly started struggling to keep up with both children. I wonder if that could be adding to DS's anxiety.

[Reece]

Arh Tex111 I feel for you and think that I would have done exactly the same as you did this morning. My ds has been going to summer camp (3 weeks/5days a week before joining them for pre-school in Sept) and he was fine the 1st couple of days. Then things got more difficult. He started to say he didn't want to go, was difficult to dress in the morning, wouldn't get out of the car, clung onto me etc. etc. It has been so heartbreaking and today was nearly as bad. I have left the last 3 times now in tears but I just say a quick goodbye with a quick cuddle and I leave. It's so hard but I know better in the long run for everyone.

Your situation is a bit different as he has been happy going before. All I can say is try to put this morning behind you, keep an eye on him and carry on if you can. It sounds like he may be a little unsettled with his pals in the pre-school and gee even I remember how those things could turn my world upsidedown.

[MrsBigD]

Tex111, dd had a phase like that after just turning 4 and it lasted for about 3 months. She had right hysterical fits not wanting to go to nursery. First off the only response I got to genltle problem why not was 'I don't want to talk about it'... in the end it seemed to boild down to somebody not being nice to her. In the long run it turned out that she was cheeky towards some of the older kids in the adjoining playground and they responded in kind which she didn't like .

As for the nursery saying that your ds had gotten one up on you... whata load of rubbish! My nusery teachers actually told me I did the right thing not bringing her in that one day where I literally would have had to drag her in kicking and screaming as it would have been very counter-productive.

As for finding it a struggle having your 8 month old as well. I know where you're coming from. DS is 2 in September and would you believe it I started going to the gym after work once dh is home just to get fit enough to keep up with my 2 energiser bunny kids.