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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

i dont like my neice

73 replies

TonyJames · 08/07/2006 22:07

she is horrid spoilt child. an only child, and she just drives me mad. its not her fault, her parents pander to her. if she has a tantrum they ignore for a while then give in. she screams if she is left alone with me and my children. she screams if she doesnt get her own way. i dread her coming round to play as she just tantrums the whole time. she is the same age as one of my children, and my child juststands and stares then asks why she has stropped.

does this make me a bad aunt?

OP posts:

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expatinscotland · 08/07/2006 22:08

No, but you'll just have to be adult about it all. After all, you said so yourself, she's a child and it isn't her fault.

TonyJames · 08/07/2006 22:09

but i dont want her around me (am a namechanger btw just in case)

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expatinscotland · 08/07/2006 22:10

I don't want a lot of people around me. I still suck it up. Just how it goes. That's what being adult is all about.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 08/07/2006 22:11

You dont have to like your relatives. You are only a bad aunt if you allow your feelings to influence how you treat her.

TonyJames · 08/07/2006 22:12

so i cant just say 'no you arent coming round cos you act like veruca salt' to her? mind you she wouldnt undertsand that (she is 4, or there abouts)

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Miaou · 08/07/2006 22:12

Not at all TJ. I have a nephew I feel exactly the same about (for the same reasons). Fortunately I live about 350 miles from him so I see him as little as possible!! Bit of a drastic solution though

expatinscotland · 08/07/2006 22:13

No, TJ, you really can't. You can, however, approach your brother/sister about her behaviour and your concerns. You can also set ground rules for her when she comes over - fair ground rules.

Take teh high road, otherwise.

TonyJames · 08/07/2006 22:15

i do laid ground rules. if she starts here then i put her in time out. but then she has atamtrum because of that. (only do it when her parents leave her here alone). but its so hard saying to my kids no, then neice has a strop and mine are just standing there gobsmacked at her behaviour, which doesnt get dealt with.

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expatinscotland · 08/07/2006 22:16

sounds like you need to have a chat w/your brother/sister.

TonyJames · 08/07/2006 22:18

i have and my parents have as well. i have asked if i can suggest stuff, but i get looked at like

its got to the point now where i really dont want her round here AT all.

and i feel rotton because of it.

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staceym11 · 08/07/2006 22:23

think the only thing you can do is explain you cant have that behavior in your house as it is setting a bad example to your kids, maybe play it up and say they'v started doing it etc. maybe that might help them come round and deal with her behavior, if not they might not bring it onto your doorstep at least!

Caligula · 08/07/2006 22:23

What sort of chat have you had with her parents?

Have you said that you have ground rules for your children which you require all other children to follow while they're in your house, just as you expect your kids to follow all the other ground rules of other people's houses when they go on playdates?

Next time she comes round, perhaps you could do a list of golden rules, like they have at school.

TonyJames · 08/07/2006 22:24

good idea, a set of 'house rules' for all people who enter my home to obey (plus a few special ones for dh? ). dunno if she'd obligue tho, she really is veruca salt!

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southeastastra · 08/07/2006 22:26

i think you just have to live with it, it would be hard to intervene really, just make sure she knows there are rules when she's in your house and ignore her when she's having a strop

TonyJames · 08/07/2006 22:30

but i dont want to ignore tantrums, i want her not to trantrum every 5minutes in my peaceful house.

my kids arent perfect, they do strop, but not at least once an hour.

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southeastastra · 08/07/2006 22:33

yes but ignoring is a form of punishment, she'll get bored if she's ignored long enough

hulababy · 08/07/2006 22:33

If it is a real problem then just say that you can't look after her without her parent sbeing there.

Difficult to not have her at all when your family are visiting too though.

This isn't the child's fault after all. It is her parents fault. But telling someone else you think their child and/or thier parenting skills are not quite right is a real toughie TBHa nd one I would only approach if really reeally desperate.

Set rules in your own home and expect everyone to follow then, even when BIL/SIL is there. Make sure they know before carrying any out (and the child) though, so everyone knows the score. So long as your children see that the other child is disciplined then it doesn't matter how often she tantrums TBH. They just need to see the consequences in action to get the right message.

hulababy · 08/07/2006 22:35

Agree - ignore bad behaviour as much as possible and try to praise her (and your children too) for as much good behaviour and actions as you possible can, even if it seems OTT at first. When she sees how much nicer it is when she is behaving well she is much more likely to react positively. If she is only getting begative responses then that is all she will rect too sadly.

TonyJames · 08/07/2006 22:49

i dont do OTT praise for good behaviour as that is the standard of behaviour i expect from my children. sopunds awful, but i dont praise OTT for not tantrumming, i praise overall IYSWIM, but not OTT. i dont want to change my parenting for one child who visits for a few hours/2days a week. neice behavers like this wherever she goes.

feel so sorry for her though, as its not her fault, and when she is being nice, she is lovely. but the tantrums are taking over.

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southeastastra · 08/07/2006 23:17

tell her firmly how you feel, how old is she

TonyJames · 08/07/2006 23:18

almost 4.

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hulababy · 08/07/2006 23:20

I agree that generally OTT praise is not necessary. I don't need to use it with my w=own 4yo DD. However if this little girl's behaviour has been allowed to deteriorate ths far I do think that ther does need some change in style/approach (although agree that this should not be your job). Th OTT priase is used to highlight the good behaviour in a really obvious way to her. She may not be used to seeing that good behaviour = good reactions that's all.

However it should be the parents doing all this anyway. And it needs to be consisent from all parties too.

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hulababy · 08/07/2006 23:22

3 years old is still VERY young. Tamtrums are part of a three year old's behaviour generally.It is not her fault she is having these tantrums, but it is her parents fault she is not being shown how to address her feelings/emotions in a better way and that tantrums won't make the good thingss happen for her.

Poor little one - bet she is feeling quite a sad little girl a lot of te time right now

TonyJames · 08/07/2006 23:24

i think she quite a sad and emotional child. and her parents, particually her dad, really dont help the situation. it drives me mad. it really does. i sit and bite my lip as they make her worse. and she is getting worse.

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anotherTonyJames · 08/07/2006 23:40

I know who TJ is, and the child is question is also related to me. The parents let her get away with murder, especially the dad. She screams until she gets her own way. One of my children could be playing with a toy, if she wants it, she will take it, if told to give it back, she screams until her dad says 'oh XXXXX you can play with it later' which I think is wrong.

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