what to do about my 7yr old daughter

(55 Posts)
ladythatlunches Sun 20-Oct-13 09:23:38

Hello everyone,

I would very much appreciate some advice as im close to breaking point!

She is 7 a very bright clever girl. Very popular at school one of the top children in her class, always winning awards and outstanding reports.

Since the day she was born she has always been challenging. She was a very hard baby (she is our 2nd child) screamed morning noon and night. Never happy. Mine and dhs relationship came to breaking point as we were both at the end of our tethers with her.

As the years went on we both hoped she would improve but she didn't. Crying all the time, tantrums, wanting and demanding.

She is now a complete nightmare. I love this little girl to bits, constantly showered by affection, and out of all our 5 children she gets the most attention.

For instance if we go to the shops she will be the child on the floor screaming she wants this or that!

She doesn't listen to myself or husband she back chats, screams kicks, hangs off our legs, trashes the house.

We have sat down with all our children (well the ones old enough to understand) the rules in place, which our bad behaviour will be given warning then if continues a punishment will be given. Usually telly out of room, then sent to room, then grounded.

This falls on deaf ears with her, she will say she doesn't care, she will scream at me , she pulled out lounge curtains and poles down, kick the walls , say when we aren't looking she is going out (and does) she unlocks door and runs out, im chasing her and literally dragging her to her room while she screams and kicks , this will continue you till about 10/11 every night till she screams her self to sleep, after waking our little ones up numerous times in night.

I have been in tears, I can be calm with her, ive tried just cuddling her, screaming at her and this is still our everyday life.

Last night was horrendous hence seeking advice this morning, she went on till midnight last night, refused to go to bed , yet again trashed her room.

I have never hit any of my children ever but last night the thought of picking her up and throwing her out the door crossed my mind! Im so ashamed to admit that.

I can't go on likey this anymore Im exhausted and need help. Can anyone help? Suggest someone I could call? Or try.

Just to add I have taken her to doctors and health visitor few years ago and when she was a baby, but apparently she is a normal behaved child. I don't like comparing but my othery xhildren are nothing likey this at all.

I shall post a few places as im desperate. .

TimidLivid Sun 20-Oct-13 09:28:23

How does she cope at school? Do you think you could go to your gp and ask for a referral to a paediatrician and that you need help.

You poor thing.
Sounds very difficult indeed.

Is she not like this at school then?

If she is battling going to sleep until ten or eleven, and you are spending all this time at loggerheads with her, could you try just not telling her to go to bed one night, just letting her stay up until she crashes and falls asleep herself? She probably won't fall asleep any later than she does anyway but at least you wouldn't be spending the night battling with her.

Are there any other times when you can just ignore her and pick your battles?

I have a very difficult ASD ten year old, and we have learnt over the years that for our own sanity, we pick our battles very carefully indeed.

And don't feel bad about any bad thoughts you had, that is perfectly normal when parenting a very difficult child.

diddlediddledumpling Sun 20-Oct-13 09:34:10

I do feel for you, it sounds like you're having a horrendous time. For me, the key thing in your post is that she gets more attention than your other children through this behaviour, and I think that's possibly at the root of this. If she's not like this in school, then she's turning it on just for you, there are no issues with her mental health.
Can you contact some kind of family support service? It sounds like you do need professional help, I know I wouldn't have the patience or expertise to deal with this myself, particularly considering you're looking after 4 other children and not getting enough sleep.

48th Sun 20-Oct-13 09:39:06

I suspect that the op has tried to give attention for positive behaviour but is overwhelmed with the negatives. I would go back to gp and go from there, cahms can help too. Some children work so hard to conform at school home suffers, I hope you get support soon.

newgirl Sun 20-Oct-13 09:43:44

One idea might be to spend one to one time w her just you two so she doesn't demand-crave your attention in the evenings. I think out of house away from siblings ie walk in park, cafe, theatre. That worked for my youngest dd.

ladythatlunches Sun 20-Oct-13 09:43:52

Thank you all for replying.

I have ignored her loads and I think for mt sanity its the best result out of all. But she will follow me about screaming at me constantly, causing destruction her where every she goes, but sometimes I think I can't deal with this today and have to ignore for my sanity!

I certainly pick my battles I honestly think if I didn't I would constantly up and down dragging her in her room

ladythatlunches Sun 20-Oct-13 09:47:11

Thank you new girl. We do this me and dh make aure once a month we soend 1 on 1 with each child (except our baby twins) ill take her clothes shopping lunch and dh will take her cinema. We haver always done this.

I also always make a point of not using this as a punishment to cancel .. buy some times I feel she doesn't deserve it but proceed anyway to give the otherr children a break from her too.

My eldest son just locks him self in his room when she starts as he cant stand the screaming!

ladythatlunches Sun 20-Oct-13 09:47:45

Apologies for spelling I have 2 yr old climbing on me

fedupofpoo Sun 20-Oct-13 09:49:28

What are the consequences when she trashes stuff?could take everything from her room,say she throw something,then u take it away?could u talk to her then take a stricter approach on discipline,plus some one on one and focus on the positives?

fedupofpoo Sun 20-Oct-13 09:51:36

P.s. I know not popular on minute,but going out. Without permission results in smacking here(happened once)

TimidLivid Sun 20-Oct-13 09:55:33

Just becuase she copes at school doesn't mean all is fine and its the parenting. It is often the case with some children that coping and acting fine at school results in terrible behaviour once home as all the stress of the school day comes out and the child is in their own safe surroundings. The not being able to settle to sleep and only behaving like this at home and the apparent tantrums at seven does not sound typical to me. You should ask for a referral to a paediatrician. I think you need to ask for help now while she is small before the teenage years come. It is not your fault how could it be if you have five other children who behave fine and stick to rules. There are a number of possible reason for the behaviour u describe but as a stranger on the internet I can onlu advise you to ask for help

ladythatlunches Sun 20-Oct-13 09:59:02

It starts with her tv being taken out of her room and needing to show positive behaviour before getting it back.

If it continues (which 9/10 does)
Then she will be sent to her room for time out and to think about hee behaviour until we feel she is ready to come down! (Also there are no toys in her room, they were taken a long time ago!)

Then we move on to grounded. She is not aloud to playout the front or back with her friends and no friends aloud in.

Then bed early.

I really don't know what else to try as she isn't bothered at all.

AllOverIt Sun 20-Oct-13 10:00:10

I would certainly go to your GP and explain everything, as you have done here. Ask for a referral.

What's her behaviour like at school?

ladythatlunches Sun 20-Oct-13 10:03:16

School she is amazing. A Head of her class, so polite and well behaved!

ICanTotallyDance Sun 20-Oct-13 10:37:33

Well, if she loves school so much... boarding! grin

I'm not serious (although I definitely wouldn't blame you if you did... 8+ entry... a break for everyone...).

But in all seriousness, I would go to the GP. Write out everything (like you did here) and print it out so you don't forget anything or get distracted.

What is her relationship like with her siblings? She is not afraid of one of them or something like that, is she?

Do you have any help around the house (e.g., a nanny, cleaner etc) and if so, how does she behave around them?

Does she have nightmares? I used to have nightmares and would start having tantrums (screaming, throwing things, having to be carried upstairs) about an hour before my bedtime. It sounds like her behaviour is all day apart from at school, but if she is afraid of going to bed, she might be very tired, hence misbehaviour?

Obviously I don't know your child so everything is idle speculation. You should go to your GP. If she behaves perfectly during all assessments, bring in a tape recording of one evening in your house (or ask for an in-home assessment, *I'm not sure they do those in the Uk*)!

It does sound like an attention/jealousy problem, but I could be jumping to conclusions because it seems the obvious thing as you have 5 DCs.

Does your DD have grandparents/aunts/uncles that she is close to? Is she well behaved for them? Is it possible that she can have a sleepover with Granny whilst you have a little break.

I think you need to take care of yourself too. You and your husband (and your older children) must be exhausted. Take some time out for yourselves and if you feel you need it, when you are at the GP ask for a referral to a counsellor/psychologist for yourself.

And talk to her school/think about school- what is at school that she responds to so well? (Surely it can't be personal attention, there must be a higher adult:child ratio at home!) Was she always so well behaved at school? When does her behaviour change? At the school gates, when she leaves home, on the bus, when she sees her teacher?

Finally, if it gives you any hope, I grew up neighbours with a girl very similar to how you described your daughter, she was the younger of two children, about 2 months older than me, and had tantrums everywhere but school- her house, my house, the supermarket floor, the airport, the car, everywhere! But she grew out of it around puberty, believe it or not, and turned into a lovely teen. I honestly don't know how her parents managed with her (or her sister, for that matter) but they did and I'm sure your family will all come through in one piece. Seek the help that's out there and remember to never feel guilty for walking away if you are getting too angry to deal with things rationally.

Good luck.

ICanTotallyDance Sun 20-Oct-13 10:43:37

Also, is there anything she asks for during her tantrums? I'm not saying you should give her what she wants, of course, just whether she is giving any insight into her tantrums.

Obviously in the toy store she will ask for toys, sweet shop for sweets etc, but does she ask for anything at home?

Are there any noticeable triggers to her behaviour/does it just start/is it constant?

ladythatlunches Sun 20-Oct-13 11:58:11

I wish I could afford boarding school. Ibe looked into it already as a last resort!

She has a older brother (10) and 3 younger sisters! Tje three little ones are 2 ans twins 1.

She actually loves the little ones and is really good with them, shw occasionally winds the 2 year old up but nothing out the norm there.

Her tantrums are usually about wanting something. For instance money to walk to the shop with her friends, at 7 that is a no go! Go to park with friends again no, I offer to go but that results in more screams.
We still have ice cream van come round, eveeysay she wants one, but I have told her it is treat for when she has been good not for everyday!
Or she will want to have a friend sleep over which I have many of times let her, but results in 2 tired stroppy kids running around.

Or she will want to stay out past 6:30 again not negotiable. The list goes on!

We went to shoe shop yesterday ro get twins shoes, despite me buying her new pair or trainers to play out in and some boots last week, she wanted some more and kicked screamed, I had ro drag her out.

My son saved his pocket money and went Into a halowwwn shop and boughr something for £3 she screamed she didn't have any money because she spent all hers at the roller disco night before.

Then we went into tje supermarket, she wanted sweets, I said no as she had been to a birthday partyt and already jad a bag full plus cake at home again acrraming embarrassing me, all the while my other 4 children didn't even ask for a thing!

I have mum who is fantastic in fact just picked her up now to give me a break, she behaves better for her not great butr better, because my mum just says carry on you will go home!

She will not stay at my mums as she knows she will be told to go bed and if not again home. She isn't stupid at all.

Tambaboy Sun 20-Oct-13 18:09:32

Ladythatlunches I really sympathise. I'm afraid I haven't got any new advice but going to the GP with a list of concerns and maybe some footage of her rages seems a good place to start. Some kids behave very differently at school and at home.
I've heard this book is excellent, have a look at the link.
www.amazon.co.uk/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0061906190
Best of luck

ICanTotallyDance Sun 20-Oct-13 18:26:20

Oh, I really feel for you. I'm glad that you have some support in your mum.

I can't really help with any more advice (and I don't want to armchair diagnose). Normally all the the people I've known who have had tantrums that long have had either auditory processing delays, sensory overload or ASD. However, I don't know if your daughter matches any of these things? Hopefully your doctor will be more helpful.

The fact that you're managing to raise five children under 11 (inc. 3 under 3) is very impressive! Hang in there.

ladythatlunches Sun 20-Oct-13 19:47:42

Thank you.

She us currently screaming the house down because she wants to watch sponge bob when we are all watching a film, she has been given the option to watch sponge bob in our room, but nope screaming kicking walls.

She said she won't stop screaming till she gets what she wants. .. I just don't know what to do anymore sad

ICanTotallyDance Sun 20-Oct-13 19:52:22

sad I know an internet stranger's words don't mean much, but I truly wish you all the best and I think you have done astoundingly well to have been so patient thus far. I applaud your parenting. Keep your chin up and accept any assistance offered when you need it.

Also, your older son might want a day away with your mother if he needs a bit of time out from his sister.

Good luck to you and your family.

ladythatlunches Sun 20-Oct-13 20:12:01

Thank you. He stayed last night .. he loves staying there bless him.

She is still going!

defineme Sun 20-Oct-13 20:30:43

I really have no advice, you're doing everything I can think of.

I would write down a typical week of tantrums/behaviours and go to my GP asking for a referral to CAHMs and a paed and I wouldn't leave the surgery until I got one. In all seriousness, if your GP is reluctant I would sob, say my marriage was falling apart because of the stress, say it's affecting your MH,it's affecting your eldest too.
It's such extreme behaviour that I can't help thinking there must be an underlying issue.
It's great that she's good with her siblings and well behaved at school.

My eldest (of 3) has ASD and challenging behaviour most days and my dd (of twins) can be a right grumpy mare at times (simply I think because it's hard being a twin, hard being the only girl, hard being the sister of a child with ASD..but then life is hard for everyone in some ways and kids survive),so I really do empathize and wish you good luck.

Ps I found 'The Explosive Child' interesting reading-worth a try if you haven't already read it.

sesamechoc Sun 20-Oct-13 20:39:33

Hi,

It seems like you and your husband are exhausted so seeing a child psychologist with your daughter may be helpful - it doesn't sound like there is any mental health issue with her at all , she just sounds like she needs some " emotion coaching" to help her become more "emotionally fit".

Aha parenting is a good website by a child psychologist who reviews the research about punishments and rewards and I think there is now around 40 years research showing that these methods are not effective ( is the child really reflecting on their behaviour and how to become a better person when sent to their room or are they plotting their revenge????). I can't explain it in the same way that child psychologists do so if you have any energy left ! do look on the site. Me and DP have both read her book and use her methods of " emotion coaching" and they are quite eye opening.....

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