Just shouted at my 12mo for the first time- feel terrible

(35 Posts)
mummy2lola Mon 30-Sep-13 15:31:02

Hi there, I'm posting because I feel terrible :-(
I shouted at my 12 month old dd and I'm so ashamed :-(

Lately I've been finding things extremely hard to cope with. The last few weeks I've felt on the edge of a breakdown. Dd doesn't seem to want to play with toys, just wants to climb etc, so I've created a safe environment in our dining room/playroom for that, and she seems happy. I've had OCD for years and find it very hard with OCD and dd and juggling both. I always do my OCD cleaning etc when she is asleep, so she's never deprived of time with me, but I think it's taking its toll on me. I'm too nervous to go to mum groups, don't have any friends, but this has never bothered me because I'm so busy with dd, playing, OCD etc. she's a wonderful girl, and I love her so much, she makes me melt, but yet I still feel like, although I do everything a mother should, that I'm not a very good one, and it doesn't come naturally.
I was at a point thought I had everything down to a fine art- baby, housework etc- the perfect balance.

Today, and for the last week she's been constantly crying, and I comfort her and try to distract her with toys etc. my husband works a very full week, so I spend the whole week dealing with things single handed, today it really got to me & nothing worked & I shouted out 'whaaat' really loud in her direction. I feel terrible

I just feel frustrated, trapped, lost, unconfident, down.
I've been given three different types of anti depressants, all of which the side effects were terrible, I've spoken to my Hv and nothing has come of it.
It just feels like no matter how hard I scream at anybody that I just can't cope, not a soul listens- all I get is ' you're doing just great' 'there there' and left to get on with it again.

I can't type anymore- any advice for a very ashamed and overwhelmed mum?

Rachaek Sun 06-Oct-13 19:48:09

Omg apologies for awful layout of above
I'm new!

Rachaek Sun 06-Oct-13 19:47:19

You aren't awful, you are lovely
12 mo is hardcore esp with a climber and a
husband who works a lot.
I like to remember that sometimes our job is to
show the little puzzles that nobody is perfect and
sometimes we all have to say sorry - I know their
young but it's true
Not to mention that shouting at a 12 mo is normal
understandable & flippin hard not to do
If you have a local library they have good 30 min
story / rhyme time sessions and I find lots of churches
have good playgroups -never had religion forced
down my throat at one. That's the only way I managed
my eldest at that age, by letting her people watch
at that type of thing - not to mention they often have
stuff designed to climb
Be kind to yourselves
We rock x

mummy2lola Fri 04-Oct-13 12:51:49

I've been on many antidepressants over the years to help the depression associated with OCD, and it frightens me that they make me more depressed & jumpy, couldn't sleep etc.
I felt so distraught at shouting at her, and I thought I was so abnormal- it's reassuring to know there are others.
I had cbt when I was younger and it worked for a separate issue , but I don't know how to afford it now- all I got offered by my gp was telephone counselling service, which was not helpful at all. :-/

mummy2lola Fri 04-Oct-13 12:45:03

I'm in Suffolk! I'm going to try some techniques- I can't stand the groups- I feel so anxious

NothingsLeft Thu 03-Oct-13 09:46:15

I second the CBT. I felt very much like you do and was suffering with awful post natal depression. It came on at 9 months and totally floored me. I was anxious, shouty, didn't want to see anyone and generally felt like crap about myself.

The CBT really helped me get back on my feet, as did getting a break from it all. If your feeling this overwhelmed it's really important to go back to the GP.

My parents are close by but unsupportive and I had no one. Had DH & mum friends but its not the same. In the end we got a lovely lady to come and babysit DS for a few hours a week. I was still at home mostly but could get on and do stuff, have a bath, watch the telly etc. it was a life saver.

mahalo Wed 02-Oct-13 22:02:12

Knowing a fair bit about OCD I recognise in your post the dreaded 'perfectionism' which is very hard to live up to as it is an impossible standard to set oneself and depressing and exhausting and I really sympathise with what you're going through.
http://ocd.about.com/od/causes/a/Ocd-And-Perfectionism.htm

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is very good for working with OCD and exploring the underpinning anxieties which manifest in many different forms. You will learn to let go of the compulsion to clean/be the best mum and just be 'good enough'. You honestly don't have to resign yourself to the idea that you will be an OCD 'sufferer' for the rest of your life. It may be something you have to manage and recognise warning signs when things are starting to slide but in the main many, many people with OCD are able to work through the reasons why they have obsessions and compulsions and live 'normal' lives.
Brain Lock is a good book too for helping with OCD and a newer and very successful method of working with OCD and depression is
mindfulness based cognitive therapy http://mbct.co.uk/

Pretty much every mum will have moments of guilt from shouting, losing patience etc but it's fine to get grumpy/fed up etc. Being a mum can be challenging, tiring, frustrating, boring and we're not saints!

With regards to medication. You say that you've tried 3 different ones. You probably know this but anyway - they can take time to work- even up to a month to get into your system properly and yes, unfortunately they do have some side effects to start with such as feeling sick but they can be very helpful particularly when paired with therapy.

At children's centres they often have outreach workers who could come to your house and slowly support you and your little one to engage in a group environment. They're very used to working with people who are nervous about groups and even about getting out of the house.

Hope it all works out for you x

dedado Wed 02-Oct-13 21:19:26

Rather than going to playgroups, which can be daunting to many people, how about trying structured classes? Your local leisure centre may offer swimming lessons, toddler gymnastics, or mum and toddler keep fit classes where you exercise together. Your hv may have info on what's available locally or you could just look on the internet. Local soft play centres may do season passes bringing the cost down. Or get a rain suit for your dd and go to the park even when it's raining. I find that an active morning out of the house really helps - and going to the shops is exciting at 12mo. I'd aim to get out of the house at least Mon, Wed and Fri before nap time.

good luck.

BotBotticelli Wed 02-Oct-13 21:01:54

Ps I know what you mean about it being hard to go to groups...for different reasons I find it hard too (DS is always kicking off for some reason or another and I often have to leave after half and hour!).

Don't suppose you're in SE London by any chance?? We could brave one together??

BotBotticelli Wed 02-Oct-13 20:47:34

Hey OP, I agree with the poster up thread who suggests you try to get some RL help and support a it sounds like you're feeling depressed. A break at weekends if you can, tell your mum you're desperate for a regular break - can she take DD for 2 hours once a week or something? A breaktk look forward to?

However, I would like to say that my DS is 10mo and is a bloody handful very spirited little chap.

I have lost my rag with him about 4-5 times in his little life and shouted 'oh just BE QUIET' or slightly less polite versions of the same sentiment. I always feel absolutely devastated and guilty afterwards, and I often feel like the only woman on earth who has ever raised her voice at a small baby sad I can't offer much advice as I am currently tryig v v hard to get through each day without getting cross with him! But wanted to let you know you're not alone and it is hard with a challenging/spirited/whiny baby on your own all day every day.

I learned a good technique from a friend: whenever DS does something which makes my blood boil (twisting round so he can kick my breasts in an angry rage when I'm trying to change his nappy at 6am is a current gem!), I close my eyes, count slowly to five and picture a beautiful beH where I spent my honeymoon. Sounds a bit wanky but it honestly does usually stop me from yelling at him!

But I am realistic and know that with my short temper I am probably not always going to 'win' my battle to stay calm esp as he gets older and more wilful himself. So I have vowed to always give him a cuddle and say sorry if I shout. I will say something like 'I am sorry darling, I didn't mean to shout but it really upsets mummy when you do xyz'...so then at least maybe he will also learn that people can apologise for making mistakes.

Hang in there you sound like a good mum smile

wafflingworrier Wed 02-Oct-13 20:41:05

I would also recommend doing something separate from her just for you, it has really helped me define myself as a woman with a brain as well as a mum. which helps keep me sane and gives me an outlet to let out aggression, because there are days when I just want to scream

for me this means
writing to a convict in prison (relatively little time and effort but massive help to someone else, makes me feel great about myself)
going to netball once a week
joining a book group that meets once every 2 months

also, I try to eat stuff that helps create the happy hormone - read here for more details
http://www.postnataldepression.com/self-help/nutrition-for-postnatal-depression

you are not alone! keep talking to your husband about it too, try to make him understand, if you can face it let him look after her for 24 hours-night shift included- I found my husband's attitude was much more respectful after that!

don't want this to sound arrogant at all, I haven't got everything worked out by any means. just trying to offer advice. hope u had a gd day

mummy2lola Wed 02-Oct-13 20:20:00

Thank you. I really appreciate all this advice so much! X

VoiceofRaisin Tue 01-Oct-13 21:25:06

Poor you. You sound worn out. A crying baby can do that to the best of mothers, and you sound like a wonderful mum. If you feel at the end of your tether, or just want a friendly non judgmental voice then try calling Cry-sis on 08451 228 669 (7 days a week 9am to 10pm). They can give good advice and moral support for anyone with a crying baby. It does get easier, I promise!

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Tue 01-Oct-13 21:19:24

It's a bit like first day at school isn't it? I think good questions to ask are the things that everyone can relate to: 'how old is he/she?' 'what's her name?' 'Is she your first?' 'Isn't teething a nightmare?' But as I said before, often I don't really speak to anyone.

Could you just decide to go for 20
minutes initially and then leave if you don't like it? I am always late and arrive just before snack time and singing, other people leave early to fit in with appointments/routine so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary and 20/30
mins is less daunting than 2 hours!

I think your daughter sounds so happy and it sounds like she is absolutely fine and lucky to have you. It is you who needs some tlc. This book is fab too if you haven't read it.

mummy2lola Tue 01-Oct-13 20:45:49

Maybe ill do that too & build up conversation more each time. I get so worked up about going, I am actually sick with upset stomach. I'm
A mess aren't I? I feel sorry for my daughter. I'm doing my best & somehow she's happy, but I should be so much better :-(

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Tue 01-Oct-13 20:23:22

I don't think you would be bothering her at all! Most of them are lovely and are health visitors because they want to help mums/children.

Agree groups can be hard. I go but don't put pressure on myself to talk to anyone except for smiling and saying 'hello' when I arrive and 'goodbye' when I leave. I just look on it as time when DD (also 1) can make loads of mess and play with other babies and I don't have to worry about it! She always has a good nap afterwards which is a godsend.

I hope things get easier for you. You sound like a lovely mummy smile

mummy2lola Tue 01-Oct-13 19:31:43

Mine is aware I'm very down and find it difficult going to groups, because I get so nervous. I don't feel nervous getting out in general,mite just massive groups I find really hard. I feel like I shouldn't other her

Have you got a friendly Health Visitor? Mine was fab when DS was about 14mo and not sleeping. Very supportive and helpful, offered to put me in touch with people and so on.

It's what they're there for after all x

mummy2lola Tue 01-Oct-13 07:51:13

Thank you- ill get that book :-)

Littlefiendsusan Mon 30-Sep-13 22:17:34

Wolfs?
Wolves,I mean blush

Littlefiendsusan Mon 30-Sep-13 22:15:50

If you are looking to find yourself can I recommend you read Women who run with the Wolfs by Clarissa Pinkola Estes?
Bit evangelical about this book at the moment!
www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Run-Wolves-Contacting/dp/1846041090/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1380575416&sr=1-1&keywords=women+who+run+with+the+wolves

mummy2lola Mon 30-Sep-13 17:28:47

Thank you for the reassurance. I'm going to suggest it to dh- I think I do need just a bit of 'me time' where I can be me and not mum, OCD sufferer, wife!
Dd is amazing and she's usually a very happy baby- I know it will get easier- it's bloody hard isn't it? I think I'm stuck in a rut- I took her to one group & she loved it, but I was totally overwhelmed, but I'm going to push myself to go again!
I do a lot of walks with the pram because dd loves the outdoors & do various differing things at home she enjoys. I'm usually so patient with her, & usually inpatient at myself if the slightest thing goes wrong. I know I'm definitely not myself of late, but don't know how to get back and find myself.

Bumpsadaisie Mon 30-Sep-13 17:24:08

12 months IS a hard time. They are often grumpy as they have teeth coming AND they are trying to get going with walking.

FWIW I found 12-18 mths the hardest with both mine, so far. Though 2.5 to 3 a close contender ....!

tiktok Mon 30-Sep-13 16:47:19

Please, people, don't minimise this...of course it is normal to feel tired, frustrated and down. Everyone can relate to that.

But the OP says she feels on the edge of a breakdown, too nervous to go to groups to the extent that she and her baby don't go to anything, and she cleans because of OCD, she is not be able to relax easily, and she feels being a mum does not come naturally....despite loving her baby to bits.

mummy2lola, you absolutely need help - you have struggled for 12 months, and you and your baby deserve to be happy together and to have, yes, the odd day when you feel frustrated and down, but not this costant battle to keep head above water. I do hope you can get the right help...maybe show this thread to your mum or your dh? When people feel lacking in confidence, they don't always get across to people who care just how bad things are, when just talking.

PyjamasNotBananas Mon 30-Sep-13 16:40:51

Hi just wanted to sympathise. Both my Ds' have been horrid at this age. I remember at 13 months with DS1 just breaking down on my friend and not wanting to go home to DS!

DS2 was equally as hard to please and whiney at this age still is at 21 months but I know it's all a phase and it gets better all the time.

It's exhausting being a mum and especially spending so much time with them alone. I still get bored and frustrated now.

I know you say you can't face toddler groups but some of them occasionally just to get you out the house might do you the world of good. Seeing other kids whinge and cry at this age is always reassuring too! wink

I take DS2 to a 'Stick and Splodge' session at the local museum every fortnight. It gets him out and he loves it even though I find it hard to socialise with people, I make myself go.

Also some time away from her might be good too. I leave the DC's at home with DH once a week when they're in bed and just go for a walk or out to meet my friend. It helps get away from the constant demands of it all. I adore them but not a mother in the world will tell you it's easy or not draining (and if they do then they're lying or have forgotten how hard the early years are!)

Hang in there, in my experience it gets better all the time. DS is now 6 and real pleasure to be around....(I NEVER thought I would say that when he was 12 months!) so don't beat yourself up and hang on to the fact that the crying won't last forever.

Also, is she teething or going through separation anxiety stage? I found both of my boys were so miserable when teething. Is she getting enough sleep? Tired babies are irritable babies.

Please give yourself a break. You're doing great. for what it's worth... I think getting to 12 months without shouting is bloody amazing! blush

Littlefiendsusan Mon 30-Sep-13 16:40:38

Most definately not abnormal or terrible. Just a tired mum who maybe needs to look after her own needs a little more?
It really doesn't last for ever,I promise!

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