I had a call from the school

[whogrewoutoftheterribletwos]

Name changed for this post:

Just had a call from the head teacher of ds school. He's 7. They've had a complaint from a parent that ds 'attacked' (actual word used) their child. Apparently their son was teasing ds and he lashed out. He really doesn't cope with being wound up, but I'm not excusing ds in any way. I'm aware that his reaction is totally unacceptable and it is something we're working on with him. Thing is we're friends with the parents of this boy and while I appreciate it being a school matter to be dealt with in school I would have thought they'd at least send us a text to let us know so we weren't so entirely unprepared.

Ds was telling me last week that this other boy and his brother have been telling him and other kids to give them money for them to be friends with them. I told ds that they were very naughty and under no circumstances to give them any money, and that if they asked again to tell the teacher. I didn't report it as I thought I'd mention it to the boys' mother when I saw her. Now I'm wondering whether the behaviour of these other boys is having a deeper effect and if there are other things going on I don't know about, especially if this incident was a result of being teased. If I tell the school now won't it look a bit like I'm pointing the finger to try to exonerate ds? I was thinking of writing a letter to the head.

[whogrewoutoftheterribletwos]

Also meant to say I text the other mother to apologise for ds behaviour.

[brettgirl2]

I think you need to have a meeting with his teacher. The focus being that you are really worried about his behaviour (which I'm sure you are ) This will give you the opportunity to bring up relationships in the class and your worries about this contributing to further problems.

[whogrewoutoftheterribletwos]

Thanks for your response. DP thinks we should arrange to meet with his head. After speaking to DS it's clear he lost his temper but that he was also confused and upset that one of his 'best friends' would be so mean when teasing him. It's a shame that these other parents didn't let us know themselves as now it just feels awkward and difficult to see how we can see them outside school anymore

[mitchsta]

I think a meeting with the school would be a good idea. I bet they'll be more than happy to discuss your side of the story if you're prepared to talk about it rationally and not wade in with a "my son's no fighter, he's an angel" attitude. It's obvious that you don't have that attitude and that you understand he did something wrong, but want to get to the bottom of why he did something so out of character.

Your post itself could work as the basis for a letter even if you still go ahead with the meeting too - at least then there'll be a record of your viewpoint on file for the school to keep hold of.

Weird situation with the kid's parents. Forgive me if this sounds like a ridiculous suggestion, but maybe you could send them a copy of the letter you send to the school and just drop them a text to say you wanted to keep them in the loop / didn't feel right not including them so you're sending them a copy of the letter as your son had a few issues he wanted to talk about with the school... sure you'll find a better way of putting it...

[Goldmandra]

My DD1 was bullied by another child for two years.

Shortly after they moved to the next school my DD1 bit the other child. The Head Teacher called me to tell me and began lecturing me on standards of behaviour, etc because the other mother had told her that the two children had had conflict in the past.

I explained that the conflict was all one sided, that the previous school had done nothing to help and that my DD had never been in trouble for anything in school before (literally not one thing ever). I told her I agreed that biting was totally unacceptable and would explain to DD but, as she had never done it before, she didn't know it was any worse than what the other child was doing to her.

The Head changed her tune, looked into the history, spoke to the class teachers then cancelled my DD's punishment and told me that this was a cry for help and she was going to respond to it.

She laid the law down to the other child and kept a close eye. There was one more incident of bullying a few weeks later which the school dealt with swiftly and effectively and my DD had no more problems with this child.

I would go and speak to the teacher, be clear that you agree that your DS's behaviour was unacceptable but ask that they investigate the cause of his aggression and, if it is bullying or teasing, ensure that this is also addressed.

Don't bring it up with the other parents. Let the school deal with it. It's much better not to allow these things to get personal. The other child's parent was very angry with me because my DD wasn't punished and her child was accused of bullying. I thought we could talk it through like adults but I was wrong. It ended a friendship I valued because she couldn't accept that her child could ever do any wrong.

[lisylisylou]

If your ds was mine, I would be very secretly proud that he stood up for himself! Kids have to stand up for themselves and if he's been getting agro from this other kid for a while then he's going to snap! I would mention it to the teachers so they can have a more balanced view. If my kids have problems at school then I will only deal with teachers as I refuse to talk to parents about any problems as it can get nasty between parents. I can understand it is upsetting but I've had so many problems with bullying and my ds being on the receiving end and now myself and Dh tell our son to stick up for himself and we've told the teachers this. He has to learn at some point and I would definitely be sticking up for him! I expect to get blasted for this by other mums but cest la vie

[MadameSin]

Who if your son 'attacked' the other child in school, why didn't the school tell you about it when it happened? Did the HT investigate prior to calling you?

[DeWe]

Madam it says they had a complaint. That may mean that the parent had gone in without the school knowing about it.

I think them sending you a text would have been totally the wrong thing. You would have replied with "yes, but your ds was saying/doing..." and sounded defensive, they probably would have got defensive in turn and more would be made of it.

I would echo others and ask for a meeting. Go in with, yes my ds did do this, and he's totally wrong, however this is something that has been building up because of these things. If the other chld is trying to exort money then the school should treat it very seriously-as seriously as hitting I would expect. Particularly if it's several children they're asking for money from.