Is this challenging behaviour from an 8 and half yr old or am I just a crap parent?!

(15 Posts)
newryan Thu 04-Jul-13 10:49:43

I think this is all normal but annoying stuff. It depends how much you can put up with, really. I am fairly strict on the behaviours you described -

Spilling drink - remind at the start of meal about being careful and praise every time he doesn't spill.
Interrupting - consistent approach needed, make him wait and if he doesn't, he loses turn to talk. My dcs know to stand next to me and wait if I'm talking, if they do, I will listen as soon as I finish talking.
Make sure he's looking at you before asking him to do something, remind him you will only say it once and if he doesn't do it he gets a consequence.
Pestering after you say no - I use 123 Magic for this. One short explanation why not then count each time they ask again. Consequence (we make them earn tv/screen time/pocket money by behaving well and helping in the house) each time he reaches 3.
Running through the house - "This is not a playground. Go outside if you want to run."
Winding up siblings - warning then send him out of the room.

We also have a list on the fridge for each child for what to do in the mornings before school - it's easier to say "check your list" than remind them to do each task. We also have set bedtimes so it's the clock telling them to go to bed, not me. Be in bed on time, or go earlier the next night.

cakesandchocolate Wed 03-Jul-13 18:34:53

Romeo- we have done all the discipline, the naughty step (no diff to behaviour) reward charts (no long term improvement) explaining (he doesn't listen) reasoning (he talks over me quite often)
'I have both these books too ('How to talk' and 'Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting'), need to read them again I think.' Me too sparky!!
We've tried all these over the years and thought that as d's matures, he will calm down. But he isn't!!

This isn't bad parenting, just sounds like a very enthusiastic child in most of the cases (Jumping and running around). Surely just a simple naughty step or something when he's not doing what he's told or something that he won't enjoy should be used as a punishment? Help show authority for when he's being naughty. Then maybe you've got that you could teach him to stop talking over others etc. etc.

SparkyTGD Wed 03-Jul-13 10:48:51

Normal, IME, my DS (8) is like this and so are most of his friends.

Very frustrating.

Sometimes I worry that he is especially challenging but am reassured when I spend time with his friends & their parents.

I have both these books too ('How to talk' and 'Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting'), need to read them again I think.

FrauMoose Wed 03-Jul-13 10:43:12

This might not be very helpful. But my stepson was quite challenging in some of these ways. We thought, 'Oh, it's just normal infuriating behaviour'. It was only really after years of waiting for him to grow up, that we began considering that he might in some ways be different. It seems very likely that my stepson has mild (high-functioning) autism.

My feeling is that if you are concerned and that adaptations to your parenting style don't make any difference, it could be worth talking to other people - a class teacher - to see if they have concerns about his behaviour and development.

mazzi2fly Wed 03-Jul-13 10:37:02

I'm reading 'Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting' at the moment as I feel I am in a negative cycle with my DD(7). It was recommended on another thread.
I'm noticing improvements already. It's using 'descriptive praise' when they do something right or OK or even if they haven't done something ie not leapt off the sofa. It means your on the lookout for the good things they're doing.

'Descriptive praise' is when you don't use words like 'fantastic' 'amazing' 'wonderful' because they're too general but actually describe what you saw that was good. For example when we say 'you two are playing together so beautifully' the children don't know what it is that we like about how they are playing together. Instead you might say 'You're sharing the Lego and there's no grabbing' or 'No-one's teasing' or 'For ten whole minutes you two have been sitting there drawing quietly, and neither of you has come to me with any complaints about the other one'.

I'm finding it quite tricky to think up the right words to describe what I like about DDs behaviour but I'm much calmer. Also I ask DD what do you need to do next? rather than shrieking from the top of the stairs what she should be doing to get ready for school.

5madthings Tue 02-Jul-13 20:38:51

Five kids here and my eight year old is being challenging, as is the ten year old.

We have had 'a talk' this evening as I was rapidly becoming fishwife mummy..

How to talk so kids will listen is good...must dig out my copy and re read it.

My ten year old is also very emotional/prone to outbursts, his teacher recommended I read 'the explosive child' so that is on my amazon list...

And the thirteen yr old is sullen but OK at moment..

The five yr old and the two yr old are a doddle! grin

Its just a phase.... On the plus side they are well behaved at school, the eight yr olds teacher couldn't believe I was talking about the same child when I said about behavipur we have had at home!

daisychicken Tue 02-Jul-13 20:36:40

I get some of that behaviour from my 8 year old and I still get a bit from my 11 year old sad - it's normal but annoying...(!)

I think you have to choose your battles - what can you ignore (even if just for now), what must stop right this minute and what can you work on.. so for example I'd ignore the separating the meat from the pizza; the spilling of drinks I'd insist that dc gets a cloth and clears up; the constant interuptions would get a firm "I'm talking, wait a minute" and I'd make dc wait; etc...

ellesabe Tue 02-Jul-13 20:33:43

You need to read 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'

Amazing book and reassured me that yes it is all normal but that there are good and bad ways of dealing with the behaviours.

LesAnimaux Tue 02-Jul-13 20:31:20

I have three.

The eldest was much more challenging, but in a different way.

How do I manage the behaviour? Um, by being constantly negative. blush

Actually, two of my DC take of the meat from the pizza to eat last..I just ignore it.

cakesandchocolate Tue 02-Jul-13 20:26:46

Les animaux, How many children do you have? And how do you manage the behaviour?

LesAnimaux Tue 02-Jul-13 20:24:09

I think they are all withing the range of normal.

I don't think it's anything to do with parenting.

I only have one child who behaves like this (apart from the winding up siblings, which doesn't happen)

cakesandchocolate Tue 02-Jul-13 20:13:20

Do you think it's just us 2 then isotopeme?!

IsotopeMe Tue 02-Jul-13 20:09:59

<marks place> me too!

cakesandchocolate Tue 02-Jul-13 20:03:36

Needing to pick up/fidget with absoluetly anything/everything- just cannot not touch stuff. Often breaks stuff as consequence
Winding 3yo sis up so much she is screaming for it to stop
Ditto 6yo bro
Licking milk from cup in manner of dog
Spilling drink most mealtimes
Deconstructing all meals before eating them (eg removing meat from pizza to eat last)
Running through house, over armchair (as if assault course)
Running everywhere
Never accepts no as an answer,asks repeatedly til I'm tearing hair out-this can be about anything,really.
Requires multiple times of asking before any request responded to.
Tendency to talk over people or interrupt inappropriately

I know this all sounds trivial, but I'm getting really sad about it as what is happening is I'm constantly being negative-don't do that, stop it, don't wind your sis/bro up, listen, do as I ask.... And I feel like we're losing out on the fun happy side of life and our relationship.

So, are these all normal behaviours (ill see all of them before school drop off quite often!!) and I'm being a negative intolerant mother or.... What??!!

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