bad parenting alert...help with 7 year olds behavior...

[ButtonJunkie]

So, there is a point when your angry with your child, and your brain tells you to 'stop talking' but your mouth keeps on going, way beyond reason and you end up shouting that you dislike your child in no uncertain terms.....results in both you and the child in tears....what brought it to ahead??? 3 years of building up frustration at my now 7 yr olds 'victim' like behavior.

He's my second child and first boy, he was an easy baby, adorable as a toddler, so very well behaved and so affectionate and happy, I loved being around him he was such a ray of sunshine, from the time he turned 4 he seemed to change, steadily, he went into a black cloud, from being fairly outgoing and adventurous to clingy, shy and being terrified of swings..... we hoped it was just a phase and that if we gave him time and encouragement he would come back onto some sort of even keel, and to a degree he has but the behavior he most commonly displays is that of a victim.

He is perfectly happy until things aren't completely to his liking (either he wants something we dont have, or will ask to do something he cant do) and then he will run off crying (but with fake tears and lots of noise) he is overly sensitive to other children and always seems to think they are 'out to get him'. Some of the time I think he is looking for something to be upset about and it makes me so cross.

We are at a loss as to what to do, we tried reassuring him that we loved him and giving him special time, we tried to talk him through the emotions and how its ok to be annoyed/frustrated that you dont get what you want but thats not ok to shout and sulk everytime. We tried ignoring the behaviour in the thought that he was simply attention seeking and giving positive prase on the occasions he didnt act out (which was rare!) but nothing seems to make any difference.

There was no major trauma in his life, my hubby and I have been happily married for 9 years, no one died, his younger brother was a year old and he adored him...he was content at preschool, even now he is ok at school...the thing that gets him into trouble is the sulking and crybaby stuff.... I know some of the issues will be because he has 2 younger brothers but I'm at a complete loss at how to stop the behavior!!!! any ideas??? I strive to be a good parent, but I fear I'm failing him in particular. :(

[Bakingtins]

Are you sure he's not being bullied? It sounds like he's had a complete change of personality.

[ButtonJunkie]

We have asked at the school and they havent spotted a problem, he has a few friends and seems happy at school, though i do worry if he displays the same 'its not fair' sulky attitude with them he will end up bullied for being a cry baby, his change in behavior started before school and although he did get slightly more aggressive after starting school it remains pretty much unchanged, finding after school care for him on the 2 days i worked was hard as he didnt seem to fit anywhere.... he had issues with older boys at the after school group and the leaders where concerned he was taking things to sensitively and he clashed with the childminder because he didnt get his own way, his older sister fitted in with both situations ( i no longer work!). He seems to have a real problem being 1 of many in whatever situation, and not having total control, which is unfortunate since we have a big family!

[HopAndSplash]

Bump for you as I'm not much help with only a baby! Don't feel bad about losing your cool, everyone does at times

I'm sure you already tried this, but what happens if you completely ignore winging and overdo attention for confident play etc?

[musickeepsmesane]

I think you need to completely ignore forever. If he is happy at school and so far hasn't displayed that behaviour at home, he is using it to get his own way. If he has been doing it for a long time and you have been changing the ways you deal with it, he will be fairly sure you will cave at some point. It may take months to get through to him that you are not interested in sulks and tantrums. Distraction techniques and some sort of special time for him that happens no matter what else has gone on can be effective. Just let him know he is loved - never go to sleep on an argument etc and be firm. Good luck.