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Behaviour/development

Little boy who likes to dress up in dresses - how can I reassure my friend?

16 replies

ghosty · 03/05/2006 11:32

One of my dearest friends has the loveliest 3 and a half year old. He is just a gorgeous little chap who is so well behaved and polite and is a pleasure to be around.
My friend isn't making a big deal about this but her DH is seriously worried about the fact that their DS just loves dressing up - especially in girl's stuff (fairy dresses etc - loves all the accessories too, wands, tiaras etc) he regularly asks his mum to put nail varnish on his nails etc.

This started when he was 2 and a half. For a long while my friend managed to make her husband go with it as she felt making it an issue with her DS would be damaging in the long run (I totally agree with this tactic) but it is clear that her husband is getting increasingly upset by it all - he is a blokey kind of kiwi bloke and apparently his mates are now making comments.
My friend has agreed to try to distract her DS from dressing up in dresses etc and encourage him to try more boysey things.
We all went to a fancy dress birthday party a couple of weeks ago and she told her DS he could go as Superman or Spiderman - he got upset as he wanted wear fairy wings and have a wand so they eventually compromised and he went as a cat.
At the party there was a fantastic face painter and while my friend wasn't looking her DS got a beautiful cat face painted on his face ... the only problem was it was pink! Her DH was very upset.
The DH is a very quiet and gentle man and has not said anything terrible to his son but he is really getting upset and worried about this.

Is there anything I can say to them to make them feel better? Personally I want to say to her DH that he should enjoy his son as he is, not for what he what he wants him to be.
Anyone's son been through this phase and gone 'boysey' later? So I can maybe show them that this may just be a phase?

TIA xx

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niceglasses · 03/05/2006 11:35

Well mine is the queen of fairydom. Three and half as well. Always goes for the pink option - even girls toys in McDees, pink toothbrushes, has my shoes on as we speak. Wants to be a princess when he grows up. I really don't suppose this will help but I don't think they are alone. I'm not at all stressed by it (yet.......)

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secur · 03/05/2006 11:36

I think most boys like to do things like this if they get the chance - why shouldn't they wear pretty things too? It is a stage nothing more than that.

My DS does it loads and loads, he also plays Kick boxing and loves climbing trees, he is happy that is all that matters.

TBH my reaction would be to tell this bloke to get a grip on reality and stop being a prat - but that may be a bit harsh!

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ghosty · 03/05/2006 11:38

niceglasses, thanks that is good to know ...
My friend isn't stressed about it - but she is stressed about her husband's distress IYKWIM?
So you don't discourage it then and let your son go with it completely?

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Normsnockers · 03/05/2006 11:41

Ds is three years and a month and he is obsessed with pink and sparkly anything plus frilly skirts and fairy wings. His best friend at nursery is just the same in fact I think he only does it to copy his more advanced mate.

Dh is very manly and a bit annoyed, saying that I and my mum encourage ds but I think it's just a phase and he'll grow out of it.

Hope this helps

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ghosty · 03/05/2006 11:41

secur ... if you knew him you would know he wasn't a prat - he is fab guy, great husband and dad. I think he is just massively out of his comfort zone here ...
I have tried to say to him that should his son turn out to be gay then making him dress up as superman won't change that so they should just let him get on with it - but he gave me a look of horror ...

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secur · 03/05/2006 11:42

Grin my son is regularly used as a doll by his sisters trying out make up etc and he loves it, I really don't see why I should interfere - I don't think that wearing makeup at 3 or 4 years old i going to have any lasting effect on him, in fact he probably won't even remember it in a few years time - but he will remember if his parents make him feel bad or that he is doing something worng - those kind of things stick in a childs mind, not wearing fairy wings!

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ghosty · 03/05/2006 11:42

Thankyou Normsnockers Smile
I am logging off now off to my bed - will check in tomorrow to see other pearls of wisdom ....
Thanks all xx

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niceglasses · 03/05/2006 11:44

No, I don't discourage it - hes happy. Gets his fairy frocks on almost as soon as he wakes up. I think I'd be in for major battles if I started to try and curtail it and to be honest not that bothered anyway. I'm assuming it is a stage and a nice one really!!I do get lots of comments from my family but I don't think he picks up on it so it doesn't bother me.

DH isn't too bothered either tho he did draw the line at BUYING him a new princess frock in Disney shop the other day but think that had more to do with the price.....

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Hattie05 · 03/05/2006 11:44

I knew a little boy like this ghosty.

You can't blame them being attracted to all the bright colours and glittery things can you!

I think you can guarantee its just a phase - but quite how you prove that to the worried parents i don't know Sad.

I think most men i know would feel the same way - and the boys dad i knew certainly did.

I wouldn't advise discouraging it at all and i would definitely try and persuade the dad not to say anything negative to the son about it.

Let him be and enjoy whilst he doesn't feel the need to follow a stereotype!

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secur · 03/05/2006 11:44

Sorry Ghosty, didn't mean to imply he was, but this behaviour in men does make me cross.

I don't understand what is so scary about the fact that a son may turn out to like pressed flowers or something - why does it matter?

Could your friend talk to his Mum - do dhe ever sop anything like this - wear mums shoes etc, if he did it amy serve to illustrate that real men do this to?

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stoppinattwo · 03/05/2006 11:52

My DS is 7 now and is a typical boy, When he was little he had a set of fairy wings permenantly attached to his back!!. Even now he will occasionally revert back to some of the "girlie" things that he liked to do in the past. He will often play barbies with his little sister when he thinks no one is watching. I think its a shame that he feels embarrassed, we certainly never put any pressure on him, I think school was the big influencing factor. Tell your friend not to worry, My DH used to occasionally get concerned, my feeling was children will grow up to be whatever they will be, would you rather they feel restricted and not able to express themselves? Your friend sounds very understanding of her DS's needs and Im sure she'll do the right thing, tell her DH not to worry, if he asks his mother he probably did exactly the same thing Grin

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blueshoes · 03/05/2006 12:14

You also get little girls who are a bit of a tomboy and like the rough and tumble over dolls and sparkly pink. No one suggests that these girls will grow up gay. Just my longwinded way of saying that it is harmless and will sort itself out in time, esp once your friend's ds goes to school.

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PinkKerPlink · 03/05/2006 12:17

has the little boy got a sister? i am only asking because my ds used to love to dress up as a fairy. he used to push dolly's in pushchairs and tbh we never raised our eyebrows although some old ladies would often tell me it was wrong.

Now at 4 he thinks he is a power ranger, plays footie and is in general a boys boy.

Sometimes I think he may vote pink but tbqh it doesnt really bother me or my husband

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SecondhandRose · 03/05/2006 12:19

Just say to your friend that he's probably gay, she won't get any grandchildren but on the upside she'll always have someone to go shopping with!

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intergalacticwalrus · 03/05/2006 12:20

It starts from an early age. DS is 17 months and loves anything pink and frilly. His fave toy is an old pink purse of mine which he literally minces round the house with. DP worries all the time that he won't be manly, but it's a phase that I gather lots aof boys go through. I rememebr my friend's DS going through something similar at about 3 years old.

If it makes your friends DH feel any better, my cousin used to wear my aunty's frilly nighty when he was younger, and is now a big beefy soldier doing something with big machines in the Aremy.

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Blu · 03/05/2006 12:29

However nice this bloke is, it is his attitude that is the problem, not the way the little boy likes to play. Many men seem to take it as a slight on their own manhood if their boys choose not to be confined by stereotypical gender division. Perhaps your friend could tell him that it shows huge originality for a young child to go their own way instead of following the crowd, or being swayed by the endless marketing. And strength of individuality, courage of his convictions - all extremely manly qualities, and probably intelligence and creativity, too(that's my personal belief!).

In any case any attempt to discourage him will either have the opposite effect and make him more likely to demand a tutu, or be risking damaging his self-esteem. Or will simply condemn yet another child to the narrow-minded stereoty[ing that still lurks.

My DS has a very flambouyant taste in dressing up, and has a Baby Born doll on whom he lavishes attention, and asked to spend his easter money on a frilly party dress for her. We have neither encouraged or discouraged this, it's just one of his interests, ampngst superheroes etc etc.

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