Almost 3yo smothering little ones (with affection) at nursery

[99redballoons]

Hi, I'm really not sure what to do about this. My ds, 3 in June, just loves little ones, but is too over-affectionate with them almost to the point of smothering them, ie, trying to pick them up, giving them cuddles, telling them how to do things (which involves snatching the toy from them first and telling them how to work it) etc etc.

There is a 16mo in my group of friends (his friend's younger sibling) which he just follows round, pushes this way and that to get him to go into a room or whatever, but is basically trying to run his life! I have just heard from nursery that a little boy hit him and when I asked the head teacher why/how this happened she said it was by the little boy he constantly follows round and the little boy just had enough and pushed ds away from him. Ds got told off, and now seems upset to go to nursery (since Easter).

The headteacher confirmed that ds isn't mallicious (sp?) in any way, but just smothers this little boy 'cos he loves him'. It sounds exactly like he is when we see this other youngster. I feel like it's a coming of age thing where he now knows he can control situations, but doesn't realise when he's crossing the line and also doesn't know his own strength. Sometimes he does push the little boys if they don't do what he wants, but doesn't push his peers. I do find him a handful at home sometimes cos he's a strong-willed, stong-tempered little thing, but I would say 80% of the time he's my little angel, espeically if he's doing something (you know how they get when they're bored). He's not physical with his younger sister(6mo) either.

So I really don't know how to handle this one. Obviously when I see this happening at my friends' houses I stop his actions and explain that it's not acceptable, that the other little boy is a little person and can do his own thing. But he repeatedly acts like this, on the day and on subsequent days. I just want to nip it in the bud.

[99redballoons]

Just realised this afternoon that ds does smother my dd a bit. He constantly wants to touch her, hold her hand, sit next to her, take her toys from her etc etc. He just will not stop no matter how many times you ask him not to and eventually ends up on the naughty step (for not listening to mummy, not for loving his sister). He's very protective aswell.

Any advice? Many thanks.

[99redballoons]

Any advice on this? I'd really appreciate it.

[Twiglett]

what is it you need to handle? I'm a little confused because I actually think children's responses within a well-cared for environment (ie carer reinforcement and observation) is the best approach

you can try to show him ways he's allowed to touch babies .. eg with ds (when he was 3) we only ever allowed him to stroke babies gently with the back of his hand .. and that was the only way

[99redballoons]

Hi twiglett. Yes, I guess I am being a bit unclear. I'm just finding it very hard to constantly tell him to stop being 'over the top' with the younger children, just to let them get on with what they want to do. It's not so much his sister cos I expect him to be affectionate to her, but he doesn't seem to understand that you can't constantly pull, push, command, request, show how to do, etc etc to other children. In his case the two in particular are 16 months (my friend's ds) and a 2yo at nursery. I guess he's being very motherly to them? Do you think it's just another phase and will ride it's course? It's just such hard work constantly telling him to leave them alone (even after you've got him into another activity he soon drops it to go back to them). It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. He's been like this for a number of months now. I guess like with everything it will turn out to be a maturity thing and I've just got to wait until it finally clicks with him.

[Twiglett]

have you tried maybe teaching him in different situations ..

so next time baby needs a nappy changing, ask him to help you do it .. and show him how to be gentle

maybe the more you do it with him (rather than reacting to him doing it on his own) the better understanding he will have of how to be gentle with the baby and that may lead on to him being gentle with other children

but when that's said, some toddlers are just more boisterous than others and the difference between 2 and 3 is not that huge if you ask me

[99redballoons]

Thanks twiglett. It's not that he's not gentle, just that he's too loving, if that can be possible. We've started to teach him that he can't just go up to dd anytime and kiss her etc. in the hopes that he realises people need their own space! I've also talked to him about asking the little boy at nursery if he wants to play and if it's ok to hug him etc. before doing so. And also to show his friendship/affection in other ways by sharing toys and playing nicely, that he doesn't have to be cuddling him all the time to show him that he likes him.

Oh how I wish there was a manual!