AP/UP people wwyd - toddler trying to control me

[unusednickname]

Hi all - I'm a SAHM but sometimes do a few days work. The behaviour I'm concerned about seems to get worse when I've been working (in this case all day Monday). Dd wants to tell me what to do: 'take that jumper off' , 'roll your sleeves down', 'don't stand there', 'go downstairs'. I've tried saying 'I'm in charge of me and you're in charge of you'/'I'll decide where I stand you decide where you stand' but she gets very angry/upset/tantrums.

We have a brilliant relationship but I'm finding myself resorting to walking off and ignoring her because unless I give in ( and boy how do I not want to go down that road) the tantrum is inevitable. This morning - well I don't really want to admit how long it took to get ready and out

Any advice? She's 2.8 btw. Going on 15...

[Tee2072]

I don't know anything about AP/Up or whatever it is, but I do know that your daughter is acting like a 2.8 year old. They are bossy and controlling and have tantrums.

What can you do? Not much. This too shall pass.

[unusednickname]

Thanks - that's a useful mantra as I chew the carpet in the bedroom I have locked myself in

[YouBrokeMySmoulder]

Is you being in charge very UP though?

Anyway. I have not parented in an UP way and would just smile and ignore and then if a tantrum occurs, ignore some more, occasionally saying,' I can see you are very angry' etc and if you need to go out you just pick them up and deposit them in car or buggy still tantrumming. Negotiating with a tantrumming child is pointless, you either ignore or just crack on regardless.

[Samvet]

Agree. I have a 2.5 yr old we call the dictator. I give in if small thing but divert divert divert if other stuff. 'Mummy don't do talking etc' me: 'oh look at that big bird, what do you think his name is? Etc' don't think they all become adult dictators!

[Hullygully]

Try saying, "Oh good, I love the "telling me what to do game." You be the boss of me, and then I'll be the boss of you." Then make it into a game for say half an hour where you laugh and do her bidding in an exaggerated fashion, then say it's your turn to be the boss...she won't like that bit. Then suggest you both stop playing and do something else. If she starts it up again say, "Oh good...."

etc

[unusednickname]

Not I'm in charge. I'm in charge of me. I think I'm allowed to be in charge of me? I'm OK with ignoring - I'm just worried I'm conveying that her anger is unacceptable to me - which it's not rather than that her controlling me is not on - which it's not.

iyswim?

[ScariestFairyByFar]

I'd try distraction so the first time she tries it say ' no thank you I'm going to read a story/ do I jigsaw/ get the play dough if you want to join me you can' and leave the room & do it. This worked brilliantly with my daughter who is wingey and clingy after nursery while I try to do tea. So now we do an activity when we get in then make tea

[unusednickname]

Ah yes the game idea might work. We could do that. :). Distraction stopped working a while ago unfortunately -'look at that birdie!' 'No! I won't. TAKE OFF YOUR JUMPER!'

[corinthian]

I certainly tell my toddler when I don't want to do things he asks me to, usually with a smile on my face. Sometimes he'll ask repeatedly and I'll refuse repeatedly and it almost becomes a game.

I don't see any reason why UP means that you have to do absolutely anything under the sun to avoid tantrums.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Harvey Karp
Happiest toddler on the block
Brilliant book for this age...
Has loads of techniques that really work. Will write more when get a sec...

[Ozziegirly]

Please do. I have a tiny tyrant too; "no laughing" "no singing in your mouth" "it is NOT time for kicking a ball" "this is NOT Fleetwood Mac" (it is darling, they are singing Tusk) "they are NOT singing Tusk"

[CheerfulYank]

DS had a tyrant stage. He screamed himself hoarse at a tree that would not stop waving. On a windy day.

I think they just realize that they're very small and not in control of much, and so they like to take charge whenever possible.

[unusednickname]

Yes I want to not sweat the small stuff. 'Don't want to wear my coat' 'OK let's see how we get on when we get outside in the blizzard' but also not be a lazy parent/pushover.

Have tried game - it worked pretty well. I also pretended to be taking off a whole load of stuff I wasn't wearing (flippers, big purple wig, flashing heart shaped sunglasses) I think we may have to play this ofr an hour before we go out but at least we won't be screaming...

[colditz]

The way I see it with toddlers is that they may choose to be rude and bossy, and then I will choose to remove myself because I don't wish to be spoken to like that. Who will they boss then?

[Iggly]

Is she copying you? Just wondering. Ds was a bit bossy. Sometimes we'd do it, other times we'd say "no thank you" or "maybe later". He was fine with it. Now at 3.5 we can reason a bit more and explain that sometimes people don't want to do what he says which he is slowly understanding.