My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

almost 4yo dd really (REALLY) wants to be a boy - experience? advice?

23 replies

motherpeculiar · 30/04/2006 21:32

my DD1 is almost 4 (in June) and for about the last 6 months has been going on and on about wanting to be a boy. Just wondered whether anyone has had a similar experience or has any advice?

She has never been a very girly girl, possibly to do with the fact that we never really dressed her in pink or frilly stuff and never did the whole princess thing with her. Neither me or DH are big into "gender stereotyping" (no disrespect to anyone who put their little girls in pink btw) and we figured if she wanted to do the pink and princess thing she'd come to it in her own time and that'd be fine. Well, she hasn't. In fact the opposite (that'll teach us Wink). At least three or four times a week she will ask me something (unprompted) like, when will she be a boy? will she be a boy when she grows up? why can't she be a brother to DD2 instead of a sister? etc etc. I always try to answer positively (well, as positively as you can when saying "you'll never be a boy honey") but I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or if I should be taking a different tack.

Her absolute best friend (lifelong) is a boy, and she does seem to be very drawn to playing with boys (although she gets on with pretty much any child really). She loves trainsets, cars etc, but also likes her dollshouse, soft toys etc. Neither to the exclusion of the other. I've talked to her about whether she thinks she might like boys better/think they are better (which is what she tells me) because she hangs out with them more (most of my friends kids are male) and suggested that I arrange some playdates with girls and she thinks that would be fine too..

I don't want to make this a big issue with her at all, as far as I am concerned she is who she is and will be who she will be, but I just want to help her feel happy in herself and happy to be a girl. I suppose I am worried about self-esteem issues down the road if this stays an issue for her.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling. Anyone else had anything similar, anyone read any good books dealing with this kind of thing ?

Thanks

OP posts:
Report
busybusybee · 30/04/2006 21:35

Gosh how interesting is my response!

Why does she want to be a boy so much?

Ds is 4 complains every day that we should have called him a different name, he never asks to change gender though.

Report
singyswife · 30/04/2006 21:37

Hi Hevnt had any experience of this but I have 2 DD who couldnt be any different. My dd1 is so girly girly, pink and sprakly and fairies everywhere. Her bedroom is soo girly, babies, cots princess castles etc. My other dd is so different. She is girly in some ways but her room is white and she has a train set, a caravan, a farmyard a bob the builder tool set. They are all different and I wouldnt worry about it too much. My friends little girls is really girly too but she told her gran the other day that when she grows up she will get her winky the same as her brother. She is 4.5. I think it is just something that they dont fully understand. I wouldnt worry about it.

Report
motherpeculiar · 30/04/2006 21:40

yes I guess it is interesting!

dunno why she wants to be one so much. She tells me "boys are better" and will allow no arguments. I tel her boys are good and girls are good and try to get accross to her (simply) that it is the person who counts, not the gender. But she is unconvinced. I don't think it is coming from her good male buddy as he just loves dressing as a princess and being rescued by DD in her knight outfit Grin

OP posts:
Report
shimmy21 · 30/04/2006 21:40

Sorry, no experience of this except but I just wanted to say that you sound like you are dealing with it fantastically. You have to tell her the truth (that she wont grow up to be a boy) but keeping it low key as not a big deal seems by far the best way to go. Persuading her to do girly things that she isn't really interested in would give her strong messages that she wasn't OK as she is -and that's where you'd get the self-esteem issues cropping up.

Report
Tipex · 30/04/2006 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherpeculiar · 30/04/2006 21:41

thanks singyswife, interesting your two are so different. You are probably right, I shouldn't worry...

OP posts:
Report
MrsWood · 30/04/2006 21:41

I was always a tomboy - my parents did the same, never bothered dressing me in pink, or even dresses for that matter. I always had boy friends - hardly and girl friends UNTIL I was around 14 and started noticing boys as potential boyfriends :) Up until then even when playing roleplay games I was always a male role - my toys were mainly cars, guns etc. My parents were worried and mortified for years - and very happy when I got boyfriends, started wearing makeup and got married. I'm still not a girl's girl - but I am feminine in my own way. Don't worry too much - it's hopefully just a phase. If not, well, you'll see when and if it comes to it. I wouldn't force the issue, otherwise it may get worse. I remember my mum always said I should wear more skirts / dresses, but that would embarass me even more - especially as I wasn't used to it. It just didn't make sense. Unfortunately, even now I don't wear them as I don't find them to be "me" - but I did wear a dress on my wedding day, and some in my teens... Like I said, time will tell what it all means to her - in the meantime, don't make an issue and just pretend as if nothing's different. She may just drop the subject altogether...

Report
Blu · 30/04/2006 21:45

I read some research a while ago that revealed that a huge ratio of under 10 year-old girls would like to be a boy. I was certainly one of them - I'm not sure when it actually began, but I can remember thinking it when I was 7, and it lasted until I was 9. I actually assumed that I might well turn into a boy at some stage. Mostly, I was very drawn to 'tomboyish' activity - was very outdoors, hated all the hairbrushing that girls who came to stay seemed to want to do. I think I identified all the things I liked doing as 'boys things' so wanted to be a boy.

If you have brought your dd up having avoided the pink tide of clothes and toys which are so aggressively marketed at little girls, it may be that she has nevertheless identified that the things she likes are viewed as 'boys stuff' more than things that girls can equally well do.

By secondary school I was very pleased to be a young woman, and turned my attention into being a pubescent feminist - having grown up enough to realise that it wasn't my sex that was out of kilter, but a world which was prone to stgereotype, and in those days, very apparant discrimination. But younger children always think the 'problem' is them, don't they?

Report
Blu · 30/04/2006 21:48

I think Shimmy's point about self-esteem is spot on.

Report
blueshoes · 30/04/2006 21:50

That will be my dd when she is 4. I recently found out that I should be shopping in the boy's section for her because all her fave characters are boys' ones - thomas, noddy, simpsons. She is neutral on pink and prefers to kick a ball around. Idolises her daddy and wants to be a "big boy".

I too was not and still am not a girly girl. Wanted to be a boy for ages because I thought they did more interesting things with their lives. Your dd will get over it!

Report
motherpeculiar · 30/04/2006 21:51

shimmy, hadn't thought about the self esteem thing quite like that before - a good point

tipex and Mrswood - I was hoping I'd get some stories like yours. In fact now I come to think of it my older sister was a real tomboy and still won't wear makeup or skirts unless forced into it. And she's now got two kids and is and always was totally cool. In fact when I think about it it is from her that I got my feminist, anti-stereotyping leanings in the first place.

Ok, so I just keep on with letting her find her own way, both sexes good, not wearing dresses etc fine but add a few girls into the playdate mix as and when I can...

did you guys get any flak from your peers when you wear growing up? not that I think that'd bother DD1, she is fairly self contained. And Tipex, she is lovely Smile

OP posts:
Report
Tipex · 30/04/2006 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherpeculiar · 30/04/2006 22:01

Blu, thank you. That was a very insightful and helpful post. You are absolutely right about the world being out of kilter.

Blueshoes, good luck. People can be so funny in their response to a little girl with "boys" taste. I went shoe shopping with DD1 and she recoiled in horror from the pink, sparkly, flowery stuff and went straight to the football shoes. The shop assistant was horrified and kept trying to force us back over to "the other side". We left with some red and silver footie shoes which she wore proudly for 6 months and still pines after now that they are too small

Tipex, good to hear none of your peers were too bothered.

Ok, I am going to stop worrying now. Thanks guys.

OP posts:
Report
MrsWood · 30/04/2006 22:34

Well, I was bullied in school but that had nothing to do with my tomboy status - it was more of the case that I was considered nerdy (wearing glasses, having very strict parents, had early curfews etc.). I never made friends easily, but again, issue with confidence - nothing to do with me not being girly enough. I did get a lot of stick from my parents, their friends, gran and other older generation for being "like a boy" - that bothered me so much I started hating everyone and it slowly killed my confidence. I would have preferred them to just let me be - in my point of view, we can't all be the same, and I take the same state of mind with my dd - she's her own person, and I have to try and understand her no matter who she is later in life.
All those people haven't got a "tomboy" focus on me anymore as I'm married, have a kid and so on - but now the focus is on me being slightly overweight which bothers me just the same. I'm 5 foot 3 and get comments all the time for my weight (11st). I try to ignore them but they think they're "helping" me in a long run (i.e. if they talk to me about it more, I'll lose weight and become next Cindy Crawford - quite the opposite though). If they weren't so focused on my weight, and previously on my lack of interest in "girly" things maybe I would be a different person. I know that more support you get from your closest family - more chance of you becoming a happy individual - I was never one of those. So, support your daughter in whatever she decides and she's gonna become a great lady :)

Report
motherpeculiar · 30/04/2006 22:43

mrswood, sorry to hear you had such a crappy time growing up. I know what you mean about the confidence thing - I was slightly overweight as a kid, and really bookish. Got bullied by kids on our street (until I learnt how to ouwit them Grin) but had real issues with my mum about it as she was always trying to get me to get out of the house and make friends. It was tough and made me shyer and shyer the more she made an issue of it. In fact it's only in the last 5 years or so that I can honestly say I've gotten over it and no longer think of myself as shy. Weird isn't it? I think that's why this has been preying on my mind a bit, I don't want to let my DD down in the "fostering a healthy sense of self esteem" stakes.
Sounds like you did ok though and I think your dd is lucky to have you as it sounds like you'll be there for her and accept her no matter what.

OP posts:
Report
MrsWood · 30/04/2006 22:56

Well, I hope so. One example of my mother's point of view on similar issues is recently when we had a conversation about gay couples. She's not very open minded and I don't think it's a major issue - but she seems to find it hard to accept certain thigns (she's only 48 by the way!). I casualy mentioned that I'd respect, support and love my dd (or other kids for that matter) even if she decided she was a lesbian - my mother was horiffied and said she'd be embarassed, and couldn't understand how I could support her in any shape or form should this ever happen. The thing is, I'm horiffied by her response - in this day and age... But hey, I consider myself to be a good mother to my dd and will do my best to be her friend and person she can turn to. I never had that with my parents.

Report
motherpeculiar · 30/04/2006 23:04

you sound great, your mum does sound as though she is stuck in the dark ages though

I was dead impressed with my dad recently (he's 74) as a daughter of some friends of his has just come out as lesbian (she is married with two kids) and her own dad has disowned her. My dad reckons that's totally wrong and if any of us ever "turn gay" he'll support us (although you can see he feels safe saying this as he is fairly confident it's not gonna happen, maybe I should call his bluff Wink)

I'm impressed you still have much of a relationship with your mum as she does sound fairly unsupportive, but I guess she is your mum eh? I remember with mine (she is dead 12 years now) she would be being spectacularly unsupportive about my weight, or perceived lack of friends or something but I would know she didn't actually mean any harm and so would put up with it. As you say the psychological damage can be difficult to deal with as a teenager though.

OP posts:
Report
motherpeculiar · 30/04/2006 23:15

mrswoods, not trying to suggest you shouldn't have a relationship with your mum by the way, hope I didn't annoy you

just sounds like there are some issues

but hey ho, aren't there always...

OP posts:
Report
sallystrawberry · 30/04/2006 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeahE · 30/04/2006 23:20

My SIL was adamant at 4 that Santa was going to bring her a willy for Christmas (!). Her friend Rachel insisted on being called Philip for at least a year or two. They're both well-adjusted women in their mid-20s now. You sound as though you are handling this just right.

Report
MrsWood · 30/04/2006 23:30

no offence taken as... we didn't speak for few years recently. Too many issues. We're on "speaking" terms at the mo for the sake of my dd but, as you will see from my other threads, she's not exactly mother or grandmother of the year :)

Report
serenity · 01/05/2006 01:25

Embarrassing, but.....

When I was around that age I really wanted a willy. I was positive that my parents should and would be able to get me a fake one. To that end I refused to wee sitting down, and would sneak into the bathroom and attempt to do it standing up. I used to make a bit of a mess Blush I did stop doing it though (my poor mother!) I never did turn into a girly girl, but I don't think that's a bad thing Grin

I am so going to regret posting this........

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

motherpeculiar · 01/05/2006 22:12

thanks again guys

mrswood, haven't seen your other threads, hope things get sorted for you though, whatever is going on. You do sound really well adjusted though so you are obviously doing something right

serenity - that is so funny. DD hasn't mentioned willies yet, although I am waiting for the day...

sallyS - I agree, I'd be a bit flummoxed by a really fluffy girl, as I am not like that. Never remember actually wanting to BE a boy though.

LeahE, thanks for that story too. Made me laugh.

I am relieved and no longer worried, officially.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.