Can your child laugh at themselves or be the butt of a joke?

[Earlybird]

Just back from an afternoon out with friends, where we reminisced about a visit to a farm a while ago. While there, my friend's dd was intent on jumping up and down in a puddle (wearing wellies), and eventually the inevitable happened....she slipped and fell in a puddle. She was unhurt, but so completely covered in mud mixed with horse poo that the only solution was to strip her naked (in spite of cold temperature), and drive her home in the car wrapped only in a blanket.

We were laughing about it today (almost two years later), and this child suddenly burst into loud and inconsolable wails. My friend wasn't bothered, but said that her daughter had no ability to laugh at herself as she equates it with humiliation. It got me thinking that my own dd also seems to hate it if she thinks someone is "laughing at her".

Is this a typical age related phase, or was I unintentionally unkind? Is there anything I can do in future to help my own dd understand that she needs to learn to laugh at herself when something funny happens?

[mumeeee]

In my opinion your should never laugh at a child as this is humiliation. Laugh with a child but noyt at them. No one what ever age likes to be laughed at.

[7up]

think a lot of it is personality and confidence, ive always laughed at myself or with other people at daft things ive done or said, my 11yr old ds is the same.dont know how old your dd is but i think the confidence to be able to do it comes with ages, obviously if shes 4 or 5 then i think she would be upset, i know my neice would be

[Twiglett]

what's the point in having children if you can't laugh at them .. they're funny

[7up]

twiglet

[Carmenere]

Occasionally laughing at children is important imo as it gives them a more realistic perception of their importance. Being able to laugh at yourself is a very important lesson in life basically if your kid is too precious nobody will like them.

[sparklemagic]

Carmen I totally agree with your point. I remember being taken down a peg or two when I was little if I was being a little bumptious, by my mum and dad laughing at me and I hated it. But it certainly makes you a nicer person to be aroundif you can laugh at yourself.

My worry is that I am like an adoring fan round my son and don't know if I will have it in me to laugh at him in this way. I wonder if the same thing can be taught by being able to laugh at yourself, and therefore role modelling this skill to your child, without having to make them feel so crap as I did when I was laughed at??!!

[Twiglett]

my 5 year old is capable of laughing at himself .. sometimes

it normally starts with him doing something, looking shocked .. DH and I laughing heartily and he joins in

its fun

[Tommy]

DS1 fell over in some mud recently and looked like he was just about to cry until DH, DS2 and I burst out laughing. DS1 had a think about it, then laughed as well. He told eveyone later how funny it had been but I know it could have gone either way.
I think 7up is right - it's to do with confidence and personality

[Elibean]

dd is only 2.4, and laughs at herself and says 'silly Eli'. She sees her parents do the same, and she will ALSO laugh at us and say 'silly Mummy, silly Daddy'. That said, if she found a situation really uncomfortable or humiliating, I wouldn't expect her to laugh - even if I found it funny - and maybe being covered in poo and freezing cold felt awful to a little kid, and the memory stayed with her?

I wonder about the age thing too though - I have a feeling the five year old girls I know take themselves more seriously than the two year olds.

And I don't think you were intentionally unkind at all.

[laurenhannah]

DD1 is 7 and can't bear even a hint that the joke is on her. she doesn't mind making fun of everyone else though.

[Enid]

ditto laurenhannah

[threebob]

Falling over and being covered in shit doesn't sound like something I would laugh about if it had happened to me.

If children can laugh about it at the time - it will be a funny memory for them. Ds was jumping in puddles last week while I waited for a lady to show me a business venue I was thinking of renting. He covered himself in water and autumn leaves and so had to meet the lady wearing his little summer shorts (because I haven't updated his emergency clothing in SOooooooooo long). He thinks that is funny, but I don't think he would have been laughing if he'd been down to his undies for a business meeting. (ds thinks it's his business and I work for him!)

[arfy]

my 6 year old niece can't stand anyone laughing at her (and often thinks that you're laughing at her even if you're not) - she can get quite hysterical about it. I think we're all hoping it's a phase she's going to grow out of....

[arfy]

I wouldn't laugh about being covered in horseshit either - think it must have been a very humiliating experience for her and the memory has stuck - I can still remember a few humliating experiences from when I was that age

[Earlybird]

Hmmm - this is food for thought. Of course, when it happened two years ago, we rushed to her immedately to make sure she wasn't hurt, and to take care of her. She was fine - seemed mainly stunned that she had slipped and was unexpectedly cold and wet. It didn't seem traumatic at the time, but then, I'm not her mum and maybe it had a deeper impact than I realised.

Today's conversation started when her mum suggested we go back to the same farm sometime soon. I then asked her dd if she remembered falling over in the puddle, thinking of it as sort of a "slapstick" moment.....and the wailing commenced. It was meant to be a lighthearted reminder of a disastrous (but harmless) event, and a hope that our next visit to the farm would have a happier outcome.

Of course, it bothered me alot that a child was crying as a result of my comments, hence the original post. I don't know if she was oversensitive (she had been tired and emotional earlier at the playground and perhaps this was simply too much), if I was insensitive, or if it's something that she may be able to laugh about when she's older (but not now). It was never intended as ridicule, and I may have been wrong to joke about it in the way I did.

[Nightynight]

This was one of the things that my mother used to constantly criticise me for, that I "couldn't laugh at myself"

Now that Im grown up and have children, I still feel the same about it. Why should my children or I be the butt of someone else's jokes? My mother let other people ridicule her children, and she never stood up for us. I suppose telling us that we should like being laughed at, was easier than stopping other people from laughing at us. Not meaning to have a go at you earlybird, the particular "joke" I am thinking of was much nastier than your innocent faux pas!

in this case, I guess that the child herself will probably find it funny when she's grown up and can put it in proportion, but it does sound fairly humiliating for a child.

[tigermoth]

I really think it depends on personality and mood at the time. If your comment came when she was feeling fragile and got at it could have been the final straw. But you weren't to know that. I don't think you were being unkind even if this was the case from what you have said. You were just stating the facts of the story - reminiscing, not making a personal comment. If you say something extra nice to boost her up next time you see her, you'd have righted the balance.

My ds1 has always been the but of family jokes - he doesn't take himself that seriously and is very confident so I judge that he can take it. He doesn have a sensitive side though and gets very upset if teasing goes too far. So then I have to think of a subtle way of boosting his ego again. It's a fine balance and I don't know if I always get it right as although he might laugh a comment off, he might remember something and get upset in years to come.

I do agree that learing to laugh at yourself is a very important lesson children to learn. I try and laugh at dh on occasion, and he does with me so my sons can see this in action.

My ds2 is less able to laugh at himself - he can do it sometimes but feels things very deeply. He is much younger, too, so is often at a competitive disadvantage to ds1, so we have to be more careful about joking with him.

[brimfull]

I think some children learn to laugh at themselves when they get older.My dd never found it funny when she was younger but now at 14 she spends most of the day laughing at herself.
Ds on the otherhand laughs at himself at 3.5.But he is pretty funny.