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Behaviour/development

I feel so cross with my dd2 for not settling at playgroup

23 replies

emkana · 25/04/2006 19:21

I've tried for over two months now to settle her in, but it's just not happening. She started off fine for a couple of weeks, then got worse from session to session until she started crying before we even got there. So over the last two weeks I have stayed with her, hoping that she would get used to it and start to enjoy it and stay without me. She did have a lovely time then, so today I left for all of 30 minutes, with the result that she then spent the last 20 minutes of the session clinging to my leg and sobbing and screaming, and when I asked her what she wanted she cried "I want Mummy"
while I was right there FFS!!!
So now I have decided to take her out for the time being, but I feel so cross, because I'm so, so desperate for some time to myself, which is now totally elusive.
Any stories of hope from anybody?
Dd1 was never, ever like that.
Dd2 probably picking up on the anxiety vibes in the emkana household atm, but still I feel this is extreme.

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LadySherlockofLGJ · 25/04/2006 19:24

I personally would stay with her and move towards the door over the space of 30 mins, and then go.

This worked for a friend of mine, her DS was playing her like a fiddle when she was there and unbothered when she wasn't.

It does not sound as though the PG people are giving you much support.

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emkana · 25/04/2006 19:25

I've tried that though when she first cried, and she literally spent the whole time I was gone screaming hysterically, not a chance of getting distracted or being drawn into activities.

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gigglinggoblin · 25/04/2006 19:27

could it be cos you are pg? might just be the wrong time. ds2 was always fab at playgroup until i had ds3 and then he got very clingy. fingers crossed its just a phase (not that it helps much atm, sorry)

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emkana · 25/04/2006 19:41

Yes I think dd2 is struggling with the whole situation atm - me pregnant, things being wrong (she's had to come along to quite a few of the consultations, so she's seen my cry etc)
and my MIL ill who used to look after her regularly.

I do feel for her, poor little thing, but still I SO wish she would stay at PG...

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LIZS · 25/04/2006 19:55

How old is she and has she always been very attached? I've been through this with dd, got to a point where her separation anxiety had to be tackled (she would scream until I returned even when baby sat in an adjacent room) and ended up leaving her sobbing at a playgroup where I knew she was perfectly safe and looked after once I'd gone, but still felt bad. ds had also never behaved like that.

Fortunately she soon settled but we went through it again, to a lesser extent, when she started school 2 years later. However with the stress of your pg I can well understand why you may think now is just not the right time to force it , either for you or her.

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lunavix · 25/04/2006 20:12

I know this sounds harsh but my friend just shoved her 2.6 year old in the door and ran.

Apparently she screamed and hollered the first few months - and I do mean months - but now she's like a changed girl.

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Caligula · 25/04/2006 20:17

How old is she Emkana?

My DS was exactly like this. I held out for six weeks, but in the end, I took him out and he went back three months later and settled.

He just wasn't ready. When he was, he settled within a couple of weeks. I know it's no comfort to you because you need your time now, but sometimes they just aren't ready to be in an environment with lots of other kids without their main carer.

Is there a relative or friend or perhaps childminder who could take him for a day a week? My DS didn't mind going to his childminder's, and I think it was because it was a home environment with only four other children, rather than 20 - less overwhelming.

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Sparklemagic · 25/04/2006 20:26

Caligula, I totally agree! It's all about readiness; found my ultra clingy DS settled at pre-school like a dream - I waited until he was three to start him and felt he was ready then.

I know this may not be what you want to hear Emkana, given your current situation and completely understandable need for a little time to yourself. But maybe it's just an added strain on you trying to get that time alone at the moment? If she is really not ready?

Also agree with Caligula's wise advice about trying a childminder or family member if poss - the homelike environment is very different to 'institutional' childcare.

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Orinoco · 25/04/2006 21:39

What about changing to a different playgroup? My dd2 was like this for a month at one playgroup, clinging to me, crying if I even went to the loo etc. We looked around at some others, and found one we really liked and she ran through the door shouting "bye mum" from the second session.

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collision · 25/04/2006 21:41

I would leave her and run too!!

Children do this to wind us up. I dont know how they learn to do it but they do.

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Socci · 25/04/2006 21:43

I would leave it a few months and then try again. She may settle better next time.

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brimfull · 25/04/2006 21:51

I would leave it a few months and try again,but that really means september doesn't it? So not much good for you.
Can you stay and help for a few sessions ?

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liandme · 25/04/2006 21:53

i worked with a sen child who always wanted his mummy and screamed and kicked when she tried to leave, she stayed with him but his twin would not settle with his mummy there so i asked him what his favourite thing was, which was dogs and fire engines so i borrowed a fluffy dog from my dd which i kept in my pocket and it came out when mummy wasnt there and went back when he had settled and a fire engine and other goodies in my locker should they be needed

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liandme · 25/04/2006 21:55

i would also like to add that when mummy has gone most kids give up after a while especially when they realise it is getting them nowhere amd go off and play only to start when mummy comes back

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Posey · 25/04/2006 21:55

My ds was exactly the same. Started at 2.8y. Fine for couple of weeks then started being very clingy. Stayed with him, which helped but I was resentful of paying for his place but being there! By Christmas I told them I thought we may stop coming because of that so they offered to pay me to stay, as an extra helper and ds got a free place. Now he's well settled, doesn't cling to me and I think/hope he'll settle into his school nursery in September. I think some just aren't ready. Also in view of the emotions around you at the moment, she may be picking up on that. When dd was in nursery, we had a terrible time health wise with me and dh. Dd saw alot of tears and in the end refused to leave the house. She just needed a lot of security. It is hard when you desperately need/want a bit of space though.
I guess you have to decide whether you are strong enough to drop and run or not, and what is most important to the wellbeing of all of you.

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emkana · 25/04/2006 21:58

Thanks for all the advice.

I won't send her again now, even though I feel cross with her I don't think she is doing it to wind me up, I think she gets genuinely very, very distressed.

I will wait till September, MIL should be able to look after her one or two mornings a week again soon, so I will get some time then.

I think those of you who said she's not ready are right, it's just not the right time for her, and I can't force her for my benefit.
It's a shame because I do feel she would get a lot out of it if she settled, but there you are.

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emkana · 25/04/2006 22:01

dd2 will be three in August btw.

I can't do it, just leaving her there, she literally screams hysterically the whole time, and I feel a/ embarrassed and b/ very distressed myself by her unhappiness.

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motherinferior · 25/04/2006 22:06

Emkana, I think my younger daughter would be like this if she could; she's been at a childminder four days a week since she was very small indeed, about five months, but she's noticeably more mummy-centred than her sister and v intent on staying with me at any possible opportunity.

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Janh · 25/04/2006 22:08

2.4 is very young to be starting at playgroup anyway, even without the current stresses in your family. She will be much older in September.

If she enjoys the activities as long as you are there, could you bear able to take her, and stay (as long as the PG people are OK with that) once a week until end of term so she is still in touch with the people and feels comfortable there?

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Janh · 25/04/2006 22:08

Sorry, she's 2.8, isn't she? I used to be able to do sums Blush

OK, scratch that opinion!

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emkana · 25/04/2006 22:14

I stayed with her for several weeks now because she would gradually feel comfortable and become a bit attached to the staff, but after her hysterical outburst today, crying for me while clinging to my leg (!) I got quite cross and told her that if she was going to be like this she wouldn't be able to go anymore, so I kind of have to stick with it now, at least for a bit.
Her little friend will still go, and we see her every morning at school drop-off, so I will make a point of wishing her a lovely time at PG, hoping that dd2 will start to think that she might be missing out.

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Sparklemagic · 26/04/2006 11:19

emkana, I'm sure you've done the right thing, hope you manage to get a little time off now and again though Sad

Like you, I don't agree with collision that kids do this "to wind us up" of course they don't - it's genuine emotion, kids this age do not have the manipulative ability to create this purely to wind someone up. They simply express their genuine emotion, which of course is centred around mum going / coming back, naturally - but it isn't just to wind us up! It's a shame to ascribe this sort of 'cunning' to children in my view.

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duvet · 29/04/2006 21:30

I think you are doing the right thing to, by the sounds of your circs. at least you can have a break thru your m-i-l. Jutstry and keep up social activities with your dd so she is still mixing but with you there for security.

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