Urgent, please someone help me, don't know what to do and very upset

[wheretogo11]

I have a DS who is 3.5. He is a very sociable, bright little boy who talks to everyone, he’s lovely, well-mannered, everyone complements me on what a lovely child he is. He goes to nursery two mornings a week and preschool two sessions a week and he loves it, everyone says how well behaved he is, and he appears to have made lots of friends there. However …

We don’t generally have that many visitors, not for any reason in particular, but DS sees most of his friends at nursery or we see them in the park. But usually when we do have visitors DS loves it and loves entertaining and chatting to all that come round.

Then on Wednesday a friend came round who I haven’t seen for a while. She had her DD with her and DS had been looking forward to them coming. As soon as they came in the door DS was happy to see them, and then about two minutes later he started crying. I asked why and he said he was tired. I said that he had been perfectly fine up till then but he just persisted and kept screaming. I put it down to a silly tantrum and ignored it but he kept on. Eventually I got out the chocolate biscuits for the visitors and DS miraculously stopped crying. I asked if he was ok now and he said yes, and he was allowed a biscuit. He at his biscuit, and as soon as he had finished it he started crying again. At this point I got very annoyed with him as I knew there was nothing wrong, so I made him go upstairs. He was made to stay there for a period, during which I could hear him crying. I went up and spoke to him and eventually he came down and he and the little girl played nicely together for the rest of the afternoon. Felt badly about it and had this feeling that the friend was unlikely to come back because of DS’ behaviour, he’s never behaved like this before, not ever. And haven’t heard from the friend since even though her DD left something behind and I text her to tell her, she didn’t respond. I put the behaviour down to sillyness but then today another friend came to visit and exactly the same happened. As soon as they came in DS started crying and behaviour was repeated. And again once DS had calmed down they played nicely for the rest of the visit. I’m really upset about this, my DS is always so sociable, he’s never been like this, and the fact he’s like it in his own home upsets me even more. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or where to go or what to do. I’m afraid to invite anyone round ever again now because it’s embarrassing, and if it keeps up I’m going to lose friends and DS will never make friends, please someone help.

[CountessDracula]

Goodness me my 3.5 yo bursts into tears for all sorts of silly reasons, I really wouldn't worry

Maybe he is just feeling a bit invaded?

[PinkTulips]

is it possible that as you don't often see people at home he feels like this is his space where he gets all of your attention and feels a bit threatened having to share you on his own turf?

[essbee]

Have you got a good friend you could invite over that you could pre-warn? You did the right thing by removing him from the room. I would definitely ignore his attention seeking behaviour as much as I could. I hope it passes soon!

Oh and please don't be afraid of inviting people over, just pre-warn all of them if at all possible. I try and do this wrt my ds as much as I can as it takes the stress of worrying about it aw. hth.

[essbee]

aw = away!

[cupcakes]

agree that it is attention seeking. ignore, ignore, ignore. Bite the bullet and invite (understanding) friends over.

[Pagan]

I agree with Pink Tulips - I think he's just not used to another on his territory - I would invite more folk round so he gets used to it but nothing huge to worry about

[foundintranslation]

Can I just ask why you think you'll lose friends because your 3.5yo ds cries?
He really is very little still, and sometimes he isn't going to be on 'top form' as it were. He is probably just feeling a bit invaded, as CD says, and a bit stressed at the 'having visitors' situation - you sound rather anxious to make a 'good impression' tbh, and possibly that aggravates it a little bit? I really wouldn't feel so upset and embarrassed about it - don't make it into a big issue.

[GarfieldsGirl]

I agree with the others who've suggested that he feels he's been invaded. My ds is often coming to me saying x won't do this, z won't play this when he has friends, and his friends are all the same when we go to theirs. You're not alone with this, I'm sure if you were to go to your friends house, her dd would behave in a similar way to your ds. I agree its irritating, and at first I found it very embarrassing, but I just ignore it now and tell him to get on with it. HTH

[mule]

what was the build up like prior to their visit? the reason i ask is whenever we have friends over i tend to go round like a mad banshee tidying up, getting food prepared and then waiting for them to arrive while pretending i haven't spent all morning tidying up and waiting. also i have now learnt to give my children only a maximum 1 hours notice that friends are coming as they get so excited and the concept of waiting is too much for them.
my children pick up on an awful lot without even saying anything - especially when inlaws are coming

[bubblepop]

goodness me, its just his age, stop worrying! my dd does exactly the same thing, i just try to ignore it.make a joke about it when you pre-warn your friends.it'll pass.

[alardi]

I know this runs against the consensus...

BUT if it were my child I wouldn't keep inviting people and just ignore it. I'd try to get other people to invite us, and during/after those visits I would talk with him about how nice it was to visit other people, and wouldn't it be nice if people came to play at our house. If this tact really didn't work then I still wouldn't push it; some people just don't like their space invaded. I'd keep nudging at the boundary ocasoinally but I wouldn't force him to have guests if he finds it too stressful.

[Caththerese1973]

You're over-anxious, petal! Gee, if you knew my dd (approx same age) and her capriciousness....
He sounds absolutely fine to me in all respects: for some reason he doesn't like these particular people. Toddlers develop strange phobias. The toddler psyche is an mysterious thing. Can you remember anything at all about being 3 yourself? I can, and not all of it positive!
Perhaps you could visit these people with your son at their home, and monitor things carefully. His fears may be arbitrary: on the other hand, perhaps the other children are frightening him or bullying hi. Or perhaps it's the mum he's afraid of, for some reason (I'm sure she's a lovely person: but like I daid, toddler fears tend to be arbitrary).
I would not be too hard on him. Don't make hime go to his rooom etc. Just let him sit on your knee or whatever if he seems upset!

[yeamam]

Hiya WTG11.

I know exactly what you are going through. THis may be a long post

My dd is a little older than your ds. She is 4.5. I was a SAHM for the first 3yrs of her life. Then I had a ds. She loves her brother and there was never any jealousy whatsoever. But I began a uni course and she went to playgroup and then on to a c/minder after playgroup. For the first few weeks everything was grand. Then I would go to pick her up from the c/minder and she would have been crying for nothing at all. Sometimes it was because a neighbour had called by, others it would be because the c/minders children had brought people home from school. She started crying at home too, and throwing herself on the floor. We thought it might be jealousy finally emerging from the birth of her db. I was at the end of my tether the day I went to pick her up at the c/minder (whom she actually loved and wanted to go to on a Saturday and a Sunday!!) and she was standing at the hall door crying and my c/minder said she had been like that for an hour.
I came home and called my HV. She came out and has been giving me tactics to deal with the tantrums.

1. Ignore
   
2. Ignore
   
3. Ignore
   
   
   She also suggested that I discuss dd's behaviour with a limited number of people, as if I was saying negative things about DD then I would have negative impact on others...she also told me to think of positive points of dd when she was having a tantrum.
   We have got it down almost to a fine art now... I was giving her attention by saying "Why are you crying?" "Please stop crying" etc... even though it was negative attention she didn't care, as long as she was in the lime light. I now have a set of rules, just 3 rules.
   
   
4. Ignore
   
5. Time out (For a specific offence)
   
6. the phrase "Think about what you are doing!"
   
   And believe it or not, it has been about 3 weeks since her last bad tantrum. The HV told me that some children express themselves differently Some children bite, hit or nip and kick. SOme childre, like ours, have crying fits (extremembehaviour in my dd's case) and I know how tiring it can be.
   
   Before you have anyone over can you tell your ds that if he feels like crying he could squeeze a ball or something.. my dd's new coping mechanism is repeating the alphabet or counting in her head when she thinks she is going to cry..so far it works for us, use whatever would work for you and your wee man xxx good luck, I know what it's like xxx

[fireflyfairy2]

How has it been going wheretogo11?

[Posey]

I've found all these posts really helpful. My ds is like this but only at pre-school, which he comes to with me as I work there. Its an attention seeking thing, an "I don't want you to forget me just because there are other people here taking your attention". I am certain ds knows I get embarrassed when he makes huge fusses and screams etc for no apparent good reason. He never does it anywhere else. I have very supportive work colleagues who understand me ignoring the tantrums. I reassure him when he calms down and things are getting bettter.

But its good to hear other people's experiences. Hope all improves for you soon wheretogo11.

[lilstarry1]

I can't say much on the experience front of toddlers as my DD is only 10 wks old, what I will say however (and I truly hope I don't cause offence) is a true friend would certainly never abandon you because of your child's behaviour, certainly not one with a child herself! Don't put so much pressure on your DS to behave, sometimes children are naughty and disruptive, he might be anxious from your anxieties.. I know it's not easy when you're meeting with other mums (there's definitely a weird sub-conscious desire to impress them..) but any friend/person with child should be able to remind you that all LO's have bad days.

Hope things improve for your DS, it's awful when they seem sad/stressed for no particular reason!
x

[fruitful]

Sounds like you dealt with it well. If I was your friend what would annoy me was if you didn't do anything about it ("there, there, poor ds, he's just so sensitive and bright you know, here darling have some chocolate and of course you can have all the best toys to yourself").

Definitely get yourself invited to other people's houses if you can! We find that the child whose house it is, often finds it quite difficult. They're sharing their toys and space rather than enjoying someone else's toys.

Also maybe you could try starting the visit with juice & snack for the children - sat down in the living room with the grown-ups. And then get them involved in a specific game together - help them set out the train track or whatever. Structure things a bit for him.

I meet up with 2 friends one afternoon a week (we each have a 3-yr-old and a 1-yr-old). I'd say each child has at least one crying episode in the couple of hours. Or a lot more if they're tired or out of sorts. And they like each other and look forward to seeing each other. And we've done it every week since the older ones were born.