3.7 yr old DD speaks (esp.to me) very aggressively...losing friends!

[EggsOvaryZee]

Please help if anyone has any advice to offer/experience to share. This is getting me down so much. And even though I shouldn't, occassionally I am screaming my head off at her which does neither of us any good, but I suffer so badly with PMT/PMS rage that it's often come out before I've had time to calm myself. I keep thinking it's me and the way I speak to her but my 5 yr old DS is not the same, so it can't all be me.
DD has always been 'high maintence'/feisty. We have a very intense relationship - good and bad. She speaks to me extremely rudely. I hadn't really given it much thought until someone at her nursery pointed it out and said she's never like that there (she goes 5 AM's a week).

We have tried 'time out' until she can ask in a nice voice - I keep saying 'tone'...I don't want to go down the route of giving her a social complex by saying that people won't want to play with her because I love it that she isn't a people pleaser but how to get that balance?!

The time out option, with a warning first, isn't working even though I am trying to be consistent. She will just stay in the time out (in our porch) or come out but not really apolgise. Not be able to look me in the eye, change the subject, put her fingers in her ears (!)...

The issue seems to be that it's not always what she says but the way she says it, it's very loud and aggressive. For example: yesterday as I knocked on the nursery door, I could hear her saying to the other children (we couldn't see each other) in a sneery loud totally obnoxious way: 'That's NOT your mummy, it's my mummy come for me, NOT YOU, so neneneee....'
even if she says 'please' and 'thank you', it's got this weird teasing/sarcastic tone to it - I can't exactly describe it but it's awful.

Yesterday in the car because In couldn't do a time out, I screamed so loudly, my throat was horse. She cried and oput her fingers in her ears. Later on, she said 'I still love you mummy even when you shout at me' - my god, I don't want to be this parent that I'm being! This morning, she got out of the car and said, 'I've had enough of you today, mummy'...I know she's parroting a lot but WTF?!

[Iggly]

Ok, you wont like this but she is copying you and your tone... My DS does this.

It all sounds very negative - can you work on being really positive with her? Praise her for being good, tell her what she should do when you dont want he rdo do something.

And can you speak to the doctor about the PMT/rage? It isn't normal nor is it fair on your DD

[narmada]

I am sure iggly is right but another thing to consider is that she is possibly temperamentally predisposed that way. You've said you are, so possibly she is too. What I mean by this is that it's not ALL your fault, and it might not be entirely learned behaviour. NOt to say you shouldn't try and moderate your shouting but I just think there is often more to these situations than can be explained by 'oh it's just learned behaviour' IYSWIM.

I sense that you have two children with very different temperaments. That always makes it harder. How do you relate to your son?